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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH overspending or am I ungrateful

249 replies

Waiting4cakes · 01/10/2016 20:04

Usually on Saturday DH drops me off at the supermarket then takes the DCs swimming. I get all the food shopping from two different supermarkets. Then I meet them in the cafe of the supermarket and we all have lunch.

However today I was feeling really ill this morning so he kindly offered to get the shopping after swimming/lunch. I said he could drop the DCs back here then go back to do the shopping if he wanted but he insisted it would be fine.

So I made him a list of things we definitely need but he said he knew what else to get. Which I assumed he would as well.

He arrives home with loads of stuff. He couldn't actually fit it all in the boot of the car he had that much so the DCs had loads of it on their laps. When I saw it I told him he had bought too much as usually it fits in the boot. He said he had only bought a couple of extras.

He was bringing it in and I was putting it away. There was loads of extras. It wouldn't all fit in the cupboards or the fridge/freezer. I found the receipt in one of the bags. He has spent over double what I usually spend.

I asked him why he had spent so much. He was full of excuses mostly that the DCs wanted stuff and he picked up stuff he fancied and he was doing a good thing for me and I wasn't being very grateful.
I thanked him for going but told him he had gone totally over the top and lots of it wouldn't get eaten.

He eventually muttered about maybe he had spent a little too much but he is still sulking now because he tried his best.

So AIBU or am I really ungrateful.

OP posts:
00100001 · 01/10/2016 22:42

Bread*

bogginsthedog · 01/10/2016 22:43

Five. Bags. Of. Apples.

bookworm9229 · 01/10/2016 22:47

My husband does this. We have a joint account. If he tried to say I couldn't buy this or that I might think that was controlling. I am sorry but complaining about what your husband spends is also controlling . If you need flexibility re what you spend ,this should be reciprocated

Peanutbutterpussycat · 01/10/2016 22:50

Sorry op I've no doubt that your dh has massively over shopped but find it hard to believe that he bought 10 boxes of cereal! How many dc do you have for them to not be able to decide? Sounds slightly exagerated to me...

NameChange30 · 01/10/2016 22:52

Oh and I am going to be ripped apart for this but I don't care.

Most of the replies on this thread are complete bullshit.

Sexist bullshit, putting a woman in her place, telling her off for expecting her man to do a decent job when he deigns to carry out a household task.

FFS.

VimFuego101 · 01/10/2016 22:53

Exactly, AnotherEmma.

leaveittothediva · 01/10/2016 22:58

Can I borrow him when your finished, after the day I've had doing a full grocery shop, I've got the flu, high temperature, hot and cold chills, and I could have done with someone to say I'll do that for you. Sorry, I think your ungrateful, because I'm sick and very crabby. Oh and I had to make dinner for 5 as well. Pity party over. Grin

Bogeyface · 01/10/2016 23:07

I think that this is one of those moments where everyone is wrong but equally no crime has been committed.

Yes you should be grateful that he cared enough about you to leave you kid free and do a job that is normally yours, but equally you are NBU to be pissed off at the massive and unnecessary over spend.

This needn't be a massive row, a bit of kindness and understanding all round should sort this out asap.

LifeGotInTheWay · 01/10/2016 23:10

AnotherEmma I completely agree!!

anotheronebitthedust · 01/10/2016 23:12

Anotheremma - I have found myself wondering if I'd accidentally logged on to stepfordwives.net going through this thread.

I'm honestly intrigued what the same posters would have said if DH had fucked up this way in his manly job rather than doing a silly girly task like food shopping. Or if the answers had been the same if OP's sister rather than husband had offered to do the shopping instead.

leaveittothediva really? Did you have to do the shopping and cook dinner today if you were really feeling that bad? Cupboards so completely bare you couldn't have left it a day or two? Are none of the other four people in the house over the age of twelve and therefore incapable of doing an online shop or sticking some cans of soup in the microwave? Is there nowhere that does takeaway anywhere near you? Or are you being a bit of a martyr?

I just can't believe how low some people's expectations are for men. Somewhere below a child and slightly above a well trained dog. It's insulting to them.

Happyhippy45 · 01/10/2016 23:13

Letting him know he bought too much is ok. Don't make him feel too bad about it though. My DH has "unsupervised" shopping episodes. Comes back with all manner of shite. Mostly pickles and sauces not fresh produce.
Our kids are young adults.
Shopping with kids is an art. When they were younger he'd go shopping with them and come back with all manner of shite convenience food.
Let it go this time but LET HIM KNOW without being nasty.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/10/2016 23:15

anotheremma has it spot on.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2016 23:15

And I dont think that having jobs allocated by preference and ability is sexist.

I do all our food shopping and cooking. Its not because I am the woman but because I love cooking and to be able to cook well I need to be sure that I have the right ingredients. I also plan our menu around what is available, so if I go to aldi and red onions are on the super six then I may change the veg soup to onion soup for example. My dad does all the cooking for him and mum, would anyone be saying that he shouldnt be grateful if she cooks one night when he is ill? I doubt it.

Believe it or not, not every household management disagreement is a feminist issue.

VinoTime · 01/10/2016 23:16

He was doing the OP a favor/he was doing something nice for the OP? ShockShockShock

Are you kidding? It's the bloody grocery shopping. I assume he needs to eat as well and was therefore doing the shopping so that he and his family don't starve over the next week. It's hardly a favor or something he should be patted on the head for. It's a basic human necessity and as a grown up, he should be more than capable of sensibly shopping to feed his family for a few days without putting said family in a financial tight spot. Jesus wept.

The OP has stipulated that he is well aware of the budget they have for groceries having worked it out together. She has also said that they can't simply afford to just flush money down the pan. Why a grown man cannot take his children into a supermarket without doubling the food budget and buying 10 boxes of cereal I will never know! How utterly absurd. I can understand any parent wanting to treat their children on occasion by buying a box of cereal. Not 10!

YANBU OP. Please don't apologise to him for pointing out just how ridiculous his actions were.

VioletRoar · 01/10/2016 23:19

I'm so stressed that some people think your dh doing the family food shop really poorly was "helping" and "doing you a favour"

nolongersurprised · 01/10/2016 23:26

"I don't think having jobs allocated by preference and ability is sexist."

I agree. Although the ability comes with practise. We have a similar arrangement, I shop, because I am at home more than he is (part-time vs full-time) and do more, but not all, meal prep. I am better at the shop than he is because I do it every week. But, he's pretty practised at taking the 4 DC swimming. I always forget who needs to be in the water when, forget the snacks, water, sunscreen, current fave swimmers etc.

We divide up the boring work and don't berate each other if the other person does it "wrong". Id be pissed off if he made a point out of the time I'd forgotten underwear for the babies and they had to go back home in wet swimmers (there's quite a walk to the car from the pool). Or the time DC 3 locked herself in the toilets and skinny DC 1 had to slide under the door to get her out.

JacquettaWoodville · 01/10/2016 23:31

"I am sorry but complaining about what your husband spends is also controlling"

Eh?

He spent double the food budget

Topseyt · 01/10/2016 23:33

This is the sort of thing my DH would do. Not to quite the same extent as OP's DH, I will give it that

If I give DH a list he will get what is on the list plus the whole supermarket besides. He is quite simply the worst impulse buyer I have ever met and it is the reason he rarely does the family shopping.

He is even more of a disaster if let loose in Aldi or Lid. He seems to think it is obligatory to buy lots of useless trash from the bargain baskets both have in the centre of their stores.that is in addition to any food he has gone for.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/10/2016 23:34

And I dont think that having jobs allocated by preference and ability is sexist.

Of course not - but what kind of world does anyone live in, that when you are ill, your partner cannot take over such a very basic and simple job?

I could understand him getting all sorts of elements of that job wrong - assuming they're mistakes the family space and finances could accommodate, which isn't the case here.

I can't understand him being defensive and unwilling to step in to sort out his mistake.

That suggests that he isn't treating this as a job to be done by whoever has the preference and ability, doesn't it? It suggests he's treating it as her job. And even if she's too ill to do it, and too ill to rectify his mistakes, he won't do it adequately or work to rectify errors, because even if she's ill, it's somehow ok for him to do a half-assed job.

nolongersurprised · 01/10/2016 23:43

But I think of the jobs DH does with the kids and around the house as his jobs. And I am pretty bad at his jobs because I don't really do them. It's not gendered - we both do the shit work.

CockacidalManiac · 01/10/2016 23:46

I'm a bloke. I can manage to shop, remember birthdays, and all the other stuff that functional adults can do. I don't understand where this 'he can't help it, he's a man, he's doing you a favour' bullshit comes from. It seems to me that either he's a bit dim generally, or he's done it so spectacularly badly so he's not asked to do it again.

CockacidalManiac · 01/10/2016 23:47

There is no inherent programming in men's heads that would indicate an inability to do everyday household stuff.

CockacidalManiac · 01/10/2016 23:49

*AnotherEmma', you're spot on.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2016 23:50

I dont think that it is as you say.

My dad is a terrible impulse buyer, which is why he not allowed in Aldi on his own as he gets very carried away in the Aisle of Mysteries. The shite that man has brought home! They can easily afford it, which is probably part of the problem, but they dont need it and have nowhere to put it. My sister is the same, which is why my BIL does their shoppping, is her massively fucking up on the shopping somehow a sexist message about how she views him? No She does tend to get defensive and cross when she fucks up, because she is embarrassed, not because she looks down on what he does. She can easily spend £100 in Tesco and still have no meals. Some people are a supermarket psychologists dream, they buy the "bargains" in their eyeline, they dont check whether the "on offer" beans are in fact cheaper than the non offer beans etc. They fall for that shit. I used to, until I got wise and realised that I was being ripped off, and that does come with experience. He went out of kindness, he could have brought the kids back home but he didnt, out of kindness. And he fucked up. He wont do it again and the OP has expressed her feelings about it. I dont see the point in trying to insist that he is a sexist prick and she is a stepford wife when clearly neither are true.

ThymeLord · 02/10/2016 00:01

"Chalking up to experience"!! For a full grown man! Oh the fucking lolz....I dread to think how this sweet little manchild filled his tum tum before OP came along.