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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH overspending or am I ungrateful

249 replies

Waiting4cakes · 01/10/2016 20:04

Usually on Saturday DH drops me off at the supermarket then takes the DCs swimming. I get all the food shopping from two different supermarkets. Then I meet them in the cafe of the supermarket and we all have lunch.

However today I was feeling really ill this morning so he kindly offered to get the shopping after swimming/lunch. I said he could drop the DCs back here then go back to do the shopping if he wanted but he insisted it would be fine.

So I made him a list of things we definitely need but he said he knew what else to get. Which I assumed he would as well.

He arrives home with loads of stuff. He couldn't actually fit it all in the boot of the car he had that much so the DCs had loads of it on their laps. When I saw it I told him he had bought too much as usually it fits in the boot. He said he had only bought a couple of extras.

He was bringing it in and I was putting it away. There was loads of extras. It wouldn't all fit in the cupboards or the fridge/freezer. I found the receipt in one of the bags. He has spent over double what I usually spend.

I asked him why he had spent so much. He was full of excuses mostly that the DCs wanted stuff and he picked up stuff he fancied and he was doing a good thing for me and I wasn't being very grateful.
I thanked him for going but told him he had gone totally over the top and lots of it wouldn't get eaten.

He eventually muttered about maybe he had spent a little too much but he is still sulking now because he tried his best.

So AIBU or am I really ungrateful.

OP posts:
GingerbreadLatteToGo · 01/10/2016 20:31

He OFFERED to do the shopping, he INSISTED on taking the children. Why the hell would he deliberately do it badly. That's a ridiculous statement in this situation.

gingerbreadmanm · 01/10/2016 20:31

one of my greatest memories as a kid was when my dad tagged along to the food shop, we were literally allowed anything!

as a one off, i wouldnt worry too much. let dp think he did a good job and the dcs enjoy the time that df took them shopping and they got EVERYTHING.

Next time write a list and make dp stick to it Grin hope you are feeling a little better and the extravagant shop included a nice treat for you Flowers

Waiting4cakes · 01/10/2016 20:32

Again in his defence he bought all the cereal because the DCs couldn't decide so he just bought a bit of everything.

OP posts:
witsender · 01/10/2016 20:32

He's a grown up. He didn't do it your way, but got everything you need. I'd be a bit peed off if dh criticised me like that, not because he was 'doing a favour' or anything like that, but just because I'm an adult and don't need to be 'parented'!

What food can't you keep? Make a list and I'm sure we can think if things to do with it.

Mimicat44 · 01/10/2016 20:32

I can't believe you're going to apologise to him. He's a grown adult and the other parent - why is him doing the shopping ONCE (presumably he always eats some of it) to be seen as some massively helpful favour to you rather than something he's got equal responsibility for? Seriously can't believe so many people going 'aww he was only trying to help' - he's not 5 years old.

witsender · 01/10/2016 20:33

I'd rather shop than swim any day of the week.

LifeGotInTheWay · 01/10/2016 20:34

YANBU. Double the usual amount is ridiculous.

And he is not helping you out. You both run a household together and one of you legitimately couldn't do a task is the other one picks it up. That's how it works in a partnership and you don't have to be grateful when he does a rubbish job.

I would make him meal plan for the week, saying as he did the shop and didn't need further help with the list, please could he plan the meals so there is minimal waste.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 01/10/2016 20:34

Maybe more training needed to be let loose in the supermarkets??

Coconutty · 01/10/2016 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

00100001 · 01/10/2016 20:35

Just take the cereal back tomorrow?

What's the problem?

anotheronebitthedust · 01/10/2016 20:35

He 'tried his best.' What is he, five? It's food shopping not astrophysics.

Genuinely can't believe some of these comments. He's not being nice or doing his DW a huge favour by buying food for HIM and HIS KIDS to eat when she's ill. It's not a nice treat it's an everyday chore that has to be done. What would he do if OP was ill longterm, or on holiday, or they split up? Poor diddums would have to do his own food shopping then.

Unless they are really well off then more than double the usual amount is a huge waste. Even if it's not a financial issue for them then it's an environmental one to throw loads of food away.

Yes you can store a lot of food but not everything, and you still have to faff around planning meals just to get rid of stuff, finding somewhere to store it that's not in the way, making sure

Unless by 'kids' you mean the Von Traps and not a standard 2.3 then who the fuck buys 5 packs of apples and 10 packs of cereal on a weekly shop?

Not to mention the pisspoor 'the kids wanted it' excuse so now that mum won't buy £3.50 lucky charms or whatever expensive sugary crap every other week she'll be the bad guy because "dad let us have it!"

Tootsiepops · 01/10/2016 20:36

Who the hell buys 10 boxes of cereal?!

Actually, I can't really judge. I was sick a few years ago, and my husband offered to make dinner. He put seven chicken breasts in the stew. For two of us. My face Shock

LifeGotInTheWay · 01/10/2016 20:38

Op says they are going to have to cut back on other things though because he spent so much money

That's not doing it differently from the op, or the op being uptight about it not being quite how she wanted it, it is a rubbish lack of awareness of the household budget and a totally rubbish job.

Op - make him the budget plan with you on where you are going to cut back to accommodate this grocery spend. Don't have a go, just present it as a factual task. Why should you do it alone and fix his mistake?

LyndaNotLinda · 01/10/2016 20:38

Don't apologise! 5 bags of apples is bonkers! And 10 boxes of cereal. It sounds like something my dad would have done on the rare occasions he did the shopping when we were kids but I'm talking 40 odd years ago. I'd have thought things would have moved on

PonderingLikeAPond · 01/10/2016 20:38

Cereal doesnt go off though does it? Certainly not quickly. So put two boxes in the cupboard and the rest on the top of the cupboards. If any of them can be made into crispie cakes he can do that with them tomorrow.

Apples - dice and freeze a bag for cakes/pancakes. Take a bag to a local farm and feed the animals.

00100001 · 01/10/2016 20:39

JUST TAKE THE FOOD BACK!

The shops are open until 10pm.... And open tomorrow.

FirstShinyRobe · 01/10/2016 20:39

Don't you dare figure out what to do with the surplus. It's for him to figure out.

Ask him to work out the budget shop for next week as well. He doesn't get to do glory shops.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/10/2016 20:40

I really don't get some of the replies here.

OP, he presumably did food shopping as a single adult before he met you?

It's not rocket science.

If I had done what he'd done, and got to the car and realised I had stuff on the children's laps, I would be already aware I'd probably messed up.

At that point, to get defensive is childish. He must realise he did something daft.

Unless you're on a budget, it may not be the end of the world, but it is something he should be saying sorry for. Basically, when you were ill, he took on a job (as he should, obviously, because partners do things for each other when one of them is ill) and he actually made extra work for you.

A normal person in this situation apologises, and then pays more attention to what their partner does.

GizmoFrisby · 01/10/2016 20:41

5 bags of apples and 10 boxes of cereal. I've changed my mind. He has not done his best. That is just ridiculous.

Ginseng1 · 01/10/2016 20:41

Yanbu my DH does this when he goes shopping comes back with loads of useless stuff like ooh love the look of this crabmeat for 6.99 yeh lovely that's one lunch for one sorted. Lo n behold I criticise tho! Right now we ca afford it n he rarely does the shop so I say nothing but if we were on a budget I'd go mad. N yeh why on earth should she be grateful her other half does the shopping (badly at that) for once?

00100001 · 01/10/2016 20:41

No. He just needs to take the food back to the shop.

Its not rocket science.

The only things they probably won't take are things like milk, meat and dairy.

Anything else, as long as its sealed etc will be fine. Including the 5 bags of apples.

You still have 1hr40 minutes and alllllll of tomorrow

OhTheRoses · 01/10/2016 20:42

Cereal lasts.

Apples: Two bags for eating. Three for peeling, blanching, bunging in freezer for puree and pies.

No need to waste owt. Save on cereal and apples for a few weeks.

Is it really worth a row?

DeadGood · 01/10/2016 20:43

Why the hell should you be grateful?

Also - stop fretting about stuff going to waste. Return what you really, really can't use, but come on. I live in a small flat and even I could stash things like extra boxes of cereal about the place. Apples keep too. Got any outdoor space - store them carefully in a box outside if you have to. I know there will be other stuff too that you haven't listed but with 4 of you you should be able to get through it or share it with neighbours/family

SheldonCRules · 01/10/2016 20:43

I'd have just laughed, he and the kids got carried away. Not hard to do if shopping is normally a set list and the same all the time.

My dad did this with cereal etc and I have fond memories of shopping with him.

Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz0 · 01/10/2016 20:43

YABU! He's a grown man, not a child... I'm sure one week of extra shopping isn't going to hurt.