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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH overspending or am I ungrateful

249 replies

Waiting4cakes · 01/10/2016 20:04

Usually on Saturday DH drops me off at the supermarket then takes the DCs swimming. I get all the food shopping from two different supermarkets. Then I meet them in the cafe of the supermarket and we all have lunch.

However today I was feeling really ill this morning so he kindly offered to get the shopping after swimming/lunch. I said he could drop the DCs back here then go back to do the shopping if he wanted but he insisted it would be fine.

So I made him a list of things we definitely need but he said he knew what else to get. Which I assumed he would as well.

He arrives home with loads of stuff. He couldn't actually fit it all in the boot of the car he had that much so the DCs had loads of it on their laps. When I saw it I told him he had bought too much as usually it fits in the boot. He said he had only bought a couple of extras.

He was bringing it in and I was putting it away. There was loads of extras. It wouldn't all fit in the cupboards or the fridge/freezer. I found the receipt in one of the bags. He has spent over double what I usually spend.

I asked him why he had spent so much. He was full of excuses mostly that the DCs wanted stuff and he picked up stuff he fancied and he was doing a good thing for me and I wasn't being very grateful.
I thanked him for going but told him he had gone totally over the top and lots of it wouldn't get eaten.

He eventually muttered about maybe he had spent a little too much but he is still sulking now because he tried his best.

So AIBU or am I really ungrateful.

OP posts:
JacquettaWoodville · 01/10/2016 20:46

"An interesting couple of drips when the thread isnt going your way?"

Don't be ludicrous. OP posted relevant information in her first post is twice as much stuff and twice the cost.

I can store two or three boxes of cereal on top of the cupboard, not ten. Buying ten because the kids couldn't decide is naff: they pick or he picks.

Agree with Binary though - he can go back to the shop and return a sensible amount of stuff.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/10/2016 20:48

The OP might not have spare fridge/freezer space, though?

I don't. I've a half-size fridge and one of those freezers that fit under the counter, and they really don't take much if they're well stocked already.

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 01/10/2016 20:48

Surely you can't take food back to a supermarket? Surely that would be a breach of food safety rules? It could easily be tampered with.

snakesalive · 01/10/2016 20:48

I do Tesco saver delivery..£6 a month unlimited deliverys...I have two shops a week come.i plan every thing and order food for 3 days at a time,so I get fresh fruit and veg...if I did it weekly the veg dosnt last a week....it means no one has to go to supermarket at a weekend ....my dh does exactly the same as yrs op,given half a chance

00100001 · 01/10/2016 20:49

Of course you can take food back to the supermarket.... People do it all the time.

If its sealed, why wwoukd it be a problem?

Allthewaves · 01/10/2016 20:50

Just take it back Monday when he's at work if you can't afford it

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 01/10/2016 20:53

"An interesting couple of drips when the thread isnt going your way?" Don't be ludicrous. OP posted relevant information in her first post is twice as much stuff and twice the cost

Don't be rude.

Twice as much & twice as expensive is NOT the same as 5 bags of apples & 10 boxes of cereal.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/10/2016 20:56

Also, maybe after this, you should alternate who goes shopping and who goes swimming?

Then he won't fuck up again.

It sounds mean, but if you think to the future, I don't imagine either of you wants a situation where he's 84 and widowed and has no idea how to cope. Which is what happens to a lot of couples who rigorously split duties.

FirstShinyRobe · 01/10/2016 20:57

Don't you do anything, OP!

If it doesn't cost him in what he values (money, effort or time) then he'll just crack on doing the same thing.

I work in a male dominated field and have for years. Trust me, lessons are only learned when it becomes real. Not when a woman is talking and their voice is clearly at a pitch that even dogs don't hear,for all notice that is taken. Make it cost.

SolomanDaisy · 01/10/2016 20:58

Oh, with that detail that is bizarre shopping incompetence. We eat a lot of apples, but 5 bags? Was he letting the kids just throw stuff in the trolley and not looking at what was in it? And ten boxes of cereal is just weird.

FirstShinyRobe · 01/10/2016 20:59

You don't have to humiliate him - just let him work it out for himself. And get him to do the shop for the next 4 weeks - he clearly needs more practice.

anotheronebitthedust · 01/10/2016 20:59

For all the posters saying "don't worry about apples etc. chop up and stick in freezer did you miss the part in OP where she specifically said " It wouldn't all fit in the cupboards or the fridge/freezer" i.e there is already not enough room in this magic empty giant freezer than everyone has lying around to fit the actual freezer food let alone all the fresh stuff too.

ABCDE.... Exactly. He IS a grown man, not a child. So as a grown man he should be responsible and stick to a budget. Saying "Oh it's too hard to decide between them so let's just get all ten boxes then" is exactly how a child would go shopping.

Blondeandinept · 01/10/2016 21:00

Let it go.

You e made your point. He won't do it again. Then again, he probably won't offer again either.

DeadGood · 01/10/2016 21:00

"Just take it back Monday when he's at work if you can't afford it"

allthewaves ... Just wow.

Has the OP said she doesn't work?
Has she said that her husband does?
But my main "wtf?" is Why the hell should the OP fix this?

Original poster
Waiting4cakes · 01/10/2016 21:00

Thanks for your replies. I will check what can be sent back to the supermarket.
We really don't have any freezer space left now. It's usually tight anyway but now there is loads of it I can't get anymore in. Everything has been taken out of boxes it just won't all fit.

I see that the majority of post think I was wrong so I have apologized for being mean when he tried to help. He has agreed to sit down tomorrow to rearrange the budget

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 01/10/2016 21:02

You can't return food to the supermarket for a refund.

It's for health and safety reasons.

FirstShinyRobe · 01/10/2016 21:06

You're not wrong!

It's not play money he's spending without any though, ffs. That's been earnt with hours of work.

ToastDemon · 01/10/2016 21:07

The majority of posters who said you should apologise appear to have teleported in from 1950.
Male deliberate helplessness is very unattractive, and women falling over themselves to defend it doubly so.

Heidi41 · 01/10/2016 21:08

Sorry op and I hope you feel better but you're being unreasonable

LucyLot · 01/10/2016 21:10

It's better than buying too little. Unless you are on a strict grocery budget of just be pleased and enjoy eating all the extras! Just make sure you et the perishable stuff first. It's no big deal really I actually think it's quite nice.

00100001 · 01/10/2016 21:12

Well, then my local supermarkets and the ones my sister go to must all be breaking rules.

I have returned all sorts of food, especially after Guide camps, and there's never ever ever been a problem.

Ever.

00100001 · 01/10/2016 21:13

19lottie82 ^^

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/10/2016 21:13

He knew what your budget was and he spent double after telling you he didn't need direction?

I wouldn't be very grateful about that. In fact I'd be a little bit raging that he'd made me feel I couldn't trust him with a relatively simple household task.

Also, getting 10 boxes of cereal because the DCs couldn't make up their mind? The type of rationalization that sees that as a helpful way of dealing with children's desires would annoy me all on it's own.

After he's rearranged the budget I would ask him to do it again next week as it's clear he needs more practice.

JacquettaWoodville · 01/10/2016 21:13

Latte

Accusing the OP of drip feeding was ludicrous. Obviously if he bought twice as much volume and spent twice as much as usual, with a full freezer, he bought too much. If OP had detailed all purchases in her first post, some would have accused her of being dull.

It hacks me off when adding information is described as drip feeding. You think I was rude to you; I think you were rude to the OP.

Unicorntrainer · 01/10/2016 21:14

He did a lovely thing. He could have taken dcs to McDonalds and ordered takeaway for lunch and ordered takeaway tonight and hoped you would be well enough to shop tomorrow. Maybe he didn't do it the way you would have, but he did it because you were ill. Good on you for apologising, hope you feel better soon 💐