Am I being unreasonable about Christmas plans?

[Grumpyaboutchristmas]

Genuinely would like views. I've name changed as with all other info from previous posts this could be quite identifying.

My family loves Christmas. We do big celebrations, not flash but lots of family and we love the tree, decorations and the whole day together. Husband's family not so bothered. They aren't that close, we've rarely done Christmas together and there has now been a family fall out with one of the in law siblings so no more big dos.

MIL and FIL in different care homes hundreds of miles away from us (different needs). We wanted them to move near us from years ago (so we could look after them in their old age) but they refused. Now they are in care homes we asked if they would move to care homes nearer to us (or one of the other siblings) so we can help care for them, bring them here for meals, do shopping etc for them, bring the kids to see them and so on. They refused.

I get that it would be quite disorientating to move when they are so old, but their quality of life would be immeasurably better. They have few friends and even fewer visitors. All of us live miles away from them and have family, work and other life commitments which means the weekend round trip to spend time in a hotel with care home visits is pretty unrewarding. They are quite old and also old fashioned and have never been hands on with the kids, and to be honest are anecdotally interested in the children but not so much in real life. The kids bring stuff to do when we are there but there's little interaction. To be fair, that's not anyone's fault, it's just the way it is and always was, even before the in laws had to go into homes.

So this year my family are already planning what to do at Christmas (don't judge us, I know it's early but my sibling and husband work shifts which they need to work around). We arrange to meet either for Christmas or for another date in between to celebrate it. We usually do Christmas day with my family just because we love it and husband's family aren't bothered. This year though, husband has suggested we go to his family. It would mean staying in a hotel near them in Xmas eve, with no tree or decorations (in rooms at least) for Christmas Eve or morning, followed by ferrying his mum to lunch in a restaurant, which would be quite low key and reserved (as it always is), followed by visit to granddad (who can't come out his home any more), followed by back to hotel. We would have to bring presents but somehow hide them from the kids - we don't have the biggest car in the world and it would be tricky to say the least. It just feels so unchristmassy. I don't want to do it but feel awful saying that. I think we make Christmas really special for the kids and i don't think that day sounds special. I'd be happy to do this any day but Christmas Day (and do, willingly, and encourage visits usually).

So AIBU to say we go to my family and not his, but go to his family on 27th once we're back? It might mean that his parents are alone in their care homes on Xmas day. One of his siblings did Christmas Day with them several years in a row (I don't think they brought the family with them though) and I don't think the others would do it at all. It makes me feel terrible to think of the in laws alone, but I also feel, somewhat terribly, that if they had moved to be near us then there wouldn't be this issue (we'd have Xmas morning here, and then bring them here, visit grandad etc). We'd have control and we could make it special for them and for the kids. In a random hotel, with Christmas dinner in a random pub or restaurant, we can't do that. The fact that they refused, in my view somewhat pigheadedly, to move anywhere near any of their children has created a situation where Christmas with young children and them is nigh on impossible to accommodate. We did say that our wings were clipped by the distance and logistics and we can't help or do as much from this distance, and I guess that includes things like Christmas. AIBU?

If one of your DH's siblings has made the effort two years in a row to spend time on Christmas Day with his parents, I would think it's definitely time for him to step up.

In the last, say, 10 years what have you done? How many times have you and your DH spent Christmas with your family? You do seem to be fudging the specifics a bit

It is sounding very very one sided and I really think your DH's wishes should be respected for one Christmas. How would you feel if this was their last Christmas and he resented that he had to spend it with your family as you didn't want to change your plans? It's a very possible scenario, sadly.

I absolutely love Christmas and have been frequenting the Christmas board for ages so am hardly a grinch, but I do tend to feel a bit about absolutely everything about Christmas having to be child centred. All the emphasis on presents, the planned list of activities throughout December and elves on shelves and every other family member taking second place to the children on Christmas Day. I think Christmas is about family not just children. Your DH is your family too. His parents are family too.

I know there's a lot of "yes but..." to all the suggestions people have made, and you feel a lot of resentment that they haven't moved closer to you. If you try, however, to look at the bigger picture that realistically they may not have many Christmases left, your DH has fallen in with your plans for many years and that you hopefully have plenty of years to have your DC at home for Christmas, you may change your mind. It just seems to me that everything has to be on your terms. It's just one day in one year, hopefully you have plenty more.

Honey I don't think the Op has forgotten what Christmas is about she wants to have a family time.

Personally I would not want to try and deal with 2 disappointed kids on Christmas Day, if you try and tell them that Santa has left gifts at home that is where they are going to want to be. All you will get is "when can we go home" esp as Granny doesn't sound the best fun to be around. Not to mention the questions "how do you know?"

Op my MIL had great dreams of a big family Christmas this year which she tried to organise last November. I thought "we'll see" a heck of a lot can happen one year to the next (and it has). However I would try and get everyone committed to going away next year if you think that would make DH happier at the idea of not seeing him mum on Christmas Day this year.

It might also be nice to make it a biannual event to meet up with his family. If it works and you all enjoy it. Allowing the kids to bond with their cousins on both sides and giving you the family Christmas on both sides. I am getting the feeling DH doesn't see much of his siblings.

In my grandmother's care home there was always a Christmas party a couple of weeks before the actual day - maybe you could go to that instead if your MIL's care home has one? Care homes are lovely on Christmas Day - sherry, nice food, decorations - so I don't think you need to worry about that too much, focus on the kids!

If you do decide on the holiday cottage option and think taking big presents will be a problem then you could do what I did when my DS was on a school residential on his birthday. I made something a bit like an advent calender and sealed it in an envelope so he could open all the windows and find what was in the present behind. This meant he had the excitement of finding out what his presents were on his birthday and then opened them a few days later when he got home. Maybe Father Christmas could write to your DC's beforehand and tell them he will be doing this and only small presents will be left at the holiday cottage. Father Christmas is very considerate about things like transporting large presents in cars after all.

I can put myself in the OP's DH's shoes as well. Torn between wanting to do my duty by seeing my elderly parents, but not wanting to compromise DSs' enjoyment of Christmas day.

In our circumstances as my parents only live an hour away, we've fashioned a compromise - so we'll go to theirs in the afternoon (haven't told them yet - they may not even want us there ) so we can just about achieve the best of both worlds.

In Op's DHs position I'd probably want to just drive there and see them myself. That way I'd be happy that I'd done my duty, but I'd also not compromised my DC's enjoyment. Also that I'd escaped from my overly jolly in-laws family for a few hours.

Holiday cottages cost a blinking fortune over Christmas week. DCs like the routine of the familiar, so does the OP. The DH (if he's like mine) may well enjoy a few hours of child-free motoring on Christmas day.

At 5 & 6, put the children first. Christmas day when you are 5 only happens once, it's important that it's special!

Thanks for all these comments. Trying to respond to specifics, apologies if I forget who asked what.

Re fudging the specifics, I don't mean to. I honestly can't remember exactly what we did for the last ten years, I just don't have that sort of recall. Because my family often work shifts, sometimes we've spent Christmas Day with the ILs simply because that's easier for us. But I have freely admitted that we've spent more actual Xmas days with my family and prioritised Christmas with them - think that admission ought to be enough to avoid giving a breakdown which I can't provide?

We have historically done both families for Xmas day and once on our own at the request of DH, which I would never do again because of what CruCru says about being the organiser - it's entirely true and I spent the whole day organising everything on my own, rather than it all being divided up between lots of family members over a Christmas tipple, and it was shit. My OH is predominantly great but crap at Christmas and doesn't get it - I would never do that again, however much we relish family (just the immediately family) time at every other time of the year.

Historically I have always encouraged meeting up with the other side of the family for Christmas. I encourage meeting up with the IL cousins, I encourage the siblings meeting up, and all this in the face of not much excitement for it all. They are not close. Feeling I wanted to be equal between the cousins on my side and those on the other, I have tried my best but it's quite tricky being equal when you are a) not the first point of contact between families and b) your other half and their siblings are not overly interested in it. The 'wives and partners' make extra effort to ensure all the cousins get gifts for bdays and Christmas and meet up, often without the actual siblings themselves. It's an unusual set up. But suffice to say I absolutely see the importance of equality between sides of the family, even if it's difficult to bring that to fruition if the other parts of the puzzle aren't that interested.

I hear all the calls of selfish and I am digesting it, honestly. We do not have a decision here yet. I am very much open to options.

Toffee you have summed up my feelings in a sentence.

If my DS was old enough to know about Santa or young enough not to care I would not be worried about me (and potentially DH) not being there. Christmas is something special when you are that age.

Someone asked about kids visiting postnatal, my hospital limit visiting times but allow mothers kids in.

Just to clarify my position.
One Christmas I was in Hospital on Christmas day from 12 to 8. I was sitting with the person who was very important to me. We, the family, had been told that there was no chance of recovery so we knew this would be the last Christmas.
No other family member even called in to visit for a few minutes.
During the years of illness Christmas became a time of isolation and restriction due to people just want to have their fun and not considering those who could not have fun.
I did not expect the hospital to give me food and they did not.
I thought among the nearest in relationship and distance would have thought to have had some consideration to my position and perhaps offer cup of tea and sandwich (of turkey). I would have been the one to drive to whoever thought of me.
There have been Christmases since this time. I realise that there can be a lot of tension over Christmas and who goes to whom.
As a result of the worst Christmas ever I do not feel inclined to visit or invite any of the people you might expect me to. This year we are hoping to do something completely unusual. It may be nice or a total disaster but it will certainly be different.
It is tough to spend Christmas driving miles but I would like to think that there is still some kindness in the UK than the selfish pursuit of fun and material acquisition.

Stay at home and do it your way. The PILS made their choice, and they can lump it. Make a visit there after Christmas if you can.
I don't expect to see our (adult) DCs Xmas day, so we have a family Christmas if and when they can manage a visit sometime around the date. We don't put any pressure on them, which makes them happy to come!
Your own children are the most important people in this equation, and then yourself and DH. Everyone else needs to come trailing in afterwards. Don't get guilted into stuff - supposed to be the season of good cheer, not of familial guilt trips.

I wouldn't go for Christmas Day. The thought of waking up in a Travelodge on the big day sounds like hell. Go either before or after Christmas.

In response to your last post OP, I don't think you need to treat both sides equally and I'm not accusing you of being selfish. But this time, this one year, frame it around your DH.

Just ask yourself this OP, if one (or both) of your DH's parents died before next Christmas, and you hadn't spent this one with them, would you feel guilty? Would your DH feel guilty?

He's not asking for much. Christmas isn't just about Santa and presents, it's about family and the people we love most. It won't kill your kids to not be the centre of attention and for it to be all about them and their presents for one year.

Your DH has compromised and spent more Christmases with your family than his own. If I've read right, he's only every asked for you to do what he wants for Christmas once before in ten years. Would it really kill you to compromise this time?

Has your dh asked his mum what she would like? We have a family member who works in a care home and they have a real build up to Christmas day, with a very special lunch etc that she might not want to miss. Not sure how affected his dad is, dementia care covers such extremes, some folk only have the familiarity of their surroundings to give them any security at all. Visiting on boxing day would be the compromise but your dh May indeed be feeling this is his last chance to have Christmas with his mum. My own mum was deep in the grip of dementia on her last Christmas but I am so glad spent it with her.

But why shouldn't DCs be the center of attention at Christmas?

They love it - their enjoyment provides happiness to those around them. I think it's sad that it's viewed as selfish to want your DCs to have a good time.

Truly what will the GPs appreciate more?

A solo visit from their beloved DS with his attention fully on them and a full family visit a few days earlier, so two visits in total. Or the alternative - a slightly grumpy family visit on Christmas day from all and no additional visit?

I believe the OP has a slightly higher stake in this than her DH as she is the one who does it all. Sure they could all decamp to a ridiculously expensive cosy cottage for Christmas, but who's the one ordering and hiding all the presents, getting the dinner delivered, and trying to ensure the DCs have a not quite as good as they are used to day?

DH does the visit, feels good about himself, MIL and FIL get to see him - having seen the GCs and DIL two days ago. OP and her DCs get to enjoy a lovely Christmas without Op having to do everything herself. As they've not spent a fortune on an overpriced Christmas cottage they will be able to do more weekend visits over the course of the year during those other 364 days that everyone seems to be forgetting.

Seems like an all round winner to me.

So it's OK for the children to not spend Christmas Day at home when it's with your family, but not when it's with your DH's this year? OP, you are not doing yourself any favours here!

Your anger and bitterness about them not moving is really coming across. I do think YABU there. Your DH's siblings have visited them in recent years and it really does sound like your DH wants to be the one to do it this time.

I can see why you would rather not go but I do think YABU. By your own admission you prioritise more time with your family so I think in this case that you can inconvenience yourself and spend it with your IL's who may not have that many other Christmases It will be a faff, but could be very exciting it you do it properly. Mine would love to have a christmas holiday! Bring some decorations, presents etc. Make it into an adventure!

Because Christmas isn't about children being the centre of attention. Families aren't just about children. Christmas is about spending time with the people we love most, and the people we might not necessarily get to spend much time with throughout the rest of the year.
Christmas never revolved around us. We had to wait until everyone else was up before we had to sit around and open presents one at a time because heaven forbid children should actually have to be patient and considerate of others we seemed to have turned out OK.

It won't kill them for one Christmas.

I agree madge Ditto!

I would be pretty pissed with you off if you were my partner and you told me that if I wanted to see my parents on Christmas day - possibly for their last Christmas - I would have to go on my own because basically you didn't fancy it.

But then I'm another one who doesn't think Christmas should be all about the children.

Well I have a different memory of Christmas as a child and perhaps it has made me selfish.

Every year we would open the presents and then drive to my mothers DPs, who lived over an hour away, as they refused to travel any where else, even when they were able.

I enjoyed seeing my cousins as I am an only DC, but to be honest I don't think my GPs were that bothered if people were there or not - it was more so they could say that their family was there on Christmas day, rather than taking any true enjoyment from it.I couldn't wait to get home until I could play with my new presents again.

I loved it when I was a bit older and one year the 3 of us went skiing over Christmas day, then in my 20s I got to spend it with my then BFs family one year surrounded by children and genuine cheer.

My parents say they wish they'd put their feet down more when I was a child and refused to go every Christmas. They never guilt me about what we do on the day - I'm an only DC so there is no way of sharing it.

I know this is just one year, but it seems like a huge amount of faff for Op to try to recreate the magic in a rented cottage, when DH could visit this year and start looking at a big place to hold everyone near the ILs next year ( and yes we know they may not be there, but ditto for OPs parents).

We are definitely not a family which panders to kids usually or for whom life revolves around the kids. They can be and are usually very well behaved and can be asked to stay in bed until it's time to get up and to visit and behave well even on days which are hugely boring for them, spent entirely in cars, care homes and restaurants. They are bloody amazing at taking it all in their stride and behaving really well. Of course they are bored but they have never once said so. They've never once said they prefer the other grandparents who play football with them, take them swimming etc. They accept them for what they are and what they can offer. I'm very proud of them for that.

The magic of Christmas is entirely for children. We don't believe in FC anymore, but for them it's a massive event, not because he brings loads of swag but because it is the realisation of a year long awaited fairy tale. The drama of putting out a snack, putting out a stocking, writing a letter, asking yet again how Fc can fit down a wood burning stove, it's bloody heart meltingly wonderful, and I say that as someone who is usually entirely unromantic both about my kids themselves and parenthood. It's the one time of year where I welcome pandering to them, and don't apologise for that. I want to revolve my Christmas around them.

Adults can understand why you can't make it on a particular day. Children wouldn't really understand why Christmas is postponed. It's a simple as that really. Of course we could jazz it up and sell it to them, but the basic facts are unchanged - it would entail 4 hours in the car, possible visits to one or more care homes, travelodge overnight, Christmas morning in hotel, travel to care home number 1, do Christmas lunch in a restaurant or pub and have fairly unfestive lunch, travel to care home number 2 and be subjected to a couple of hours of adult talk and the requirement of sitting down and being quiet, followed by dropping grandma back to care home number 1, and back to hotel, before 4 more hours back in the car the next day. Writing it out I'm exhausted, it just sounds like a shit Christmas to me.

Except that, this year, your husband wants to do something else.

So why are you on here? You've mad up your mind, you just want others to back you up so you can justify yourself.

I just feel sorry for your DH. I know if my OH said no and it turned out to be my parents last Christmas, (which is quite possible in this scenario) I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive.

Sometimes we do things for others because we love them. Not because it's what we want.
Christ, your husbands spent enough Christmases doing whatever you want.