Am I being unreasonable about Christmas plans?

[Grumpyaboutchristmas]

Genuinely would like views. I've name changed as with all other info from previous posts this could be quite identifying.

My family loves Christmas. We do big celebrations, not flash but lots of family and we love the tree, decorations and the whole day together. Husband's family not so bothered. They aren't that close, we've rarely done Christmas together and there has now been a family fall out with one of the in law siblings so no more big dos.

MIL and FIL in different care homes hundreds of miles away from us (different needs). We wanted them to move near us from years ago (so we could look after them in their old age) but they refused. Now they are in care homes we asked if they would move to care homes nearer to us (or one of the other siblings) so we can help care for them, bring them here for meals, do shopping etc for them, bring the kids to see them and so on. They refused.

I get that it would be quite disorientating to move when they are so old, but their quality of life would be immeasurably better. They have few friends and even fewer visitors. All of us live miles away from them and have family, work and other life commitments which means the weekend round trip to spend time in a hotel with care home visits is pretty unrewarding. They are quite old and also old fashioned and have never been hands on with the kids, and to be honest are anecdotally interested in the children but not so much in real life. The kids bring stuff to do when we are there but there's little interaction. To be fair, that's not anyone's fault, it's just the way it is and always was, even before the in laws had to go into homes.

So this year my family are already planning what to do at Christmas (don't judge us, I know it's early but my sibling and husband work shifts which they need to work around). We arrange to meet either for Christmas or for another date in between to celebrate it. We usually do Christmas day with my family just because we love it and husband's family aren't bothered. This year though, husband has suggested we go to his family. It would mean staying in a hotel near them in Xmas eve, with no tree or decorations (in rooms at least) for Christmas Eve or morning, followed by ferrying his mum to lunch in a restaurant, which would be quite low key and reserved (as it always is), followed by visit to granddad (who can't come out his home any more), followed by back to hotel. We would have to bring presents but somehow hide them from the kids - we don't have the biggest car in the world and it would be tricky to say the least. It just feels so unchristmassy. I don't want to do it but feel awful saying that. I think we make Christmas really special for the kids and i don't think that day sounds special. I'd be happy to do this any day but Christmas Day (and do, willingly, and encourage visits usually).

So AIBU to say we go to my family and not his, but go to his family on 27th once we're back? It might mean that his parents are alone in their care homes on Xmas day. One of his siblings did Christmas Day with them several years in a row (I don't think they brought the family with them though) and I don't think the others would do it at all. It makes me feel terrible to think of the in laws alone, but I also feel, somewhat terribly, that if they had moved to be near us then there wouldn't be this issue (we'd have Xmas morning here, and then bring them here, visit grandad etc). We'd have control and we could make it special for them and for the kids. In a random hotel, with Christmas dinner in a random pub or restaurant, we can't do that. The fact that they refused, in my view somewhat pigheadedly, to move anywhere near any of their children has created a situation where Christmas with young children and them is nigh on impossible to accommodate. We did say that our wings were clipped by the distance and logistics and we can't help or do as much from this distance, and I guess that includes things like Christmas. AIBU?

If your in laws aren't bothered about Christmas then would it really be such a tragedy to go see them on the 27th? I think in this instance that trekking about in care homes all day would make for a confusing and very disappointing Christmas for your children. Has your DH considered what Christmas day would be like for your children if you go to see your in laws? Will your DH be sad if you don't go to see his parents or does he feel duty bound to go?

Personally I think Christmas is so important to children that you should put them first.

Why do the children have to be prioritised though? They have most of the rest of their lives ahead of them.

Plenty of people have fun without having a big family get-together. Your children will barely even remember this Christmas once they're older as they're so little anyway. You can spend most of the day playing with them and their presents and watching cornyfilms. Presumably you don't need to spend the whole day with their gps. Think how lovely it will be for all the other care home residents too - to see your lovely little DC.

Rogue - but wouldn't that shatter the whole excitement thing of Christmas Eve, waiting for him to arrive? I remember it, it's magical. It's a first world issue for sure, but I want to keep that magic as long as possible.

Re moving care homes, they have both been disjointed by being in and out of hospital over the years, they have coped brilliantly. I don't see why they want to continue the isolation and Put upon everyone else who has to drop everything in a crisis and travel for hours. There is another way. It would be be better for them, most importantly, but also Better for the entir family.

I do like the holiday cottage thing though, make a home from home. We'd need a bigger car but maybe we could hire.

Having worked in a care home, it was always lovely on Xmas day. Staff ate with the residents, there was a lovely atmosphere and it was surprisingly lovely. It can sometimes be very disorientating to take someone out from their environment as they age - we used to get well meaning families taking out relatives for lunch/drive out and they'd take days to settle back in again. There's no way I'd sacrifice the kids day for one in a grotty hotel somewhere. They're no little forever and by teenage years, you spend all day shouting to get them out their room and join in!!

Christmas Day in a cars home is quite festive. My mum worked in one for years and we went to see the residents sometimes.
I would guess that the rest of the "festive season" is a lot less festive so I think you should go Boxing Day if you possibly can, or 27th would be OK.

Are dh's parents expecting you to go now? If they are then compromise and post stockings to the hotel and sneak them to the room. Larger presents ready under the trees as suggested earlier and and a big get together with the rest of the family on the 27th when you get home. If you think they wouldn't mind either way then leave the whole thing until 27th.

I don't think this is about the pil's but rather it's about your dp - in your poition if I went it would be out of respect for dp and his wishes to spend Christmas with his family rather than for pil's sake, particularly if they have chosen to remain living a distance from the rest of the family.

I wonder what age your DCs are. It would be interesting to know how may Christmases you have had children and how many of those Christmases you have spent with your parents and how many you have spent with PILs. From the sound of your posts I think you have spent most if not all with your family. How do you imagine your PILs have felt all these Christmases. The PILs have been ill for some time by the looks of it with the both of them now in Care Homes. They have likely thought that they are not graced with a visit due to being less robust than your own parents.
I really do not think it is too much to ask to have one (probably the last) Christmas with the PILs even if you do stay in an hotel and go out for dinner.
Christmas is about the love of God in sending his only son etc etc. do you have no love for anyone but your only family?

Sorry but if this were DP's parents, there's no way I would be travelling to spend what sounds like a bloody awful Christmas with them. If your DH is insistent, couldn't he go alone while you and the DC spend the time with your family?

TBH - and I know I probably sound like a right killjoy - which I'm not despite spending my Saturday night on mumsnet instead of doing something more exciting I don't remember believing in FC and my own DC didn't believe in him for long either. We've always had a nice time at Xmas though. I know this will probably sound judgmental but I honestly think all the hype about FC and presents encourages materialism.

Could you take your MIL to your holiday cottage for Xmas dinner perhaps?

It's really hard isn't it. We have a similar situation involving my parents who are still healthy enough but not keen to have Christmas Day at ours when SIL and family are here as its too noisy for them . However DS loves Christmas day with his cousins -it's his favourite day of the year.

This year DF has been ill so I do feel we need to spend it with my parents. Luckily as they only live an hour away we've concocted a plan to visit them in the afternoon. Also it looks like we will be taking them to their home town for a few days the week before Christmas, so maybe the day itself won't matter much to them.

Could you plan a longer visit before or after Christmas?

YA absolutely NBU. There is no way I'd put my 5 and 6 year olds through a Christmas Day like that. It is such a (relatively) short period of time that children are completely enamoured by Christmas and you are at the very best bit! Going up on 27 sounds like a perfect compromise.

We did Christmas with them (and whole extended family) a few years ago. But they are so not bothered by it, when my family is, that we have naturally prioritised mine. My partner has not been that bothered to be honest band never pushed it. The only reason he has raised it at all this year was because i asked him, to be honest before I'd actually thought of the practicalities of what it actually entailed.

And yes, I am being selfish and I admit it. I spent so much time exploring living options for them here over the years, with their blessing, and felt the eventual refusal was a bit of a slap in the face and a waste of my time. I was more than willing to take on the major responsibility of looking after my in laws, as it would have fallen to me to do the lions share ( not sexist, just true from an organisational perspective). Im definitely still bitter. As someone said up thread - you can't expect your family to look after you if you insist on remaining hundreds of miles away from them, that's just logistical common sense. For me, this is an extension of that. I'd have no issue alternating homes, which we did for years. I have an issue with the children having no Christmas Day to speak of at all, with shuttling between care homes and hotels.

This isn't just about the parents though, it is about your husband. They are his parents, he wants to spend Christmas with them. Even if it is a sense of duty, that's fine...it's his and I see nothing wrong with wanting to meet it. I would rent a cottage, have a lovelycoay Christmas with a visit to them, even joining in with the home's lunch or something.

How do they see each other if in different homes....and why can't they share a room in the same home together

Bouquet - I love them enough that I was willing to care for them. I don't bloody love God though, no.

Snakes - very different care needs. FIL is in a secure dementia unit, sadly.

There's so much pressure for Christmas day to be an amazing, perfect time. I didn't realise it at the time but my DM used to feel xmas as a huge burden as she was a single parent with hardly any money. The advertisers have done a great job in making people feel obligated to spend a lot of money.

Witsender, I'm hearing you, what you are saying is sound. Im digesting.

No i wouldnt do it. I don't like to be away from home at Christmas and I wouldn't stay in a hotel at all for it.

They aren't christmassy anyway and it wouldn't be overly great for young children and it's really far. 27th is a good compromise given his family aren't even arsed about Christmas.

I think you're being a bit unfair. There won't be that many years left for your DH to see his parents, from the sounds of things. You can't monopolise Christmas as just your family all the time - that's rotten for your DH

Oh my...that's sad,they must miss each other terribly...is yr dh in charge of finances for them....I can't think of the word.but I am for my mum....so I could move her where ever I thought best....could you just move them to where you live ,I know it takes time...but is it possible?

I don't think you'll necessarily have a rubbish time if you go to the IL's. The four of you will be together, you'll have a lovely meal, presents, corny films on the tv, care staff making a fuss over your DC.... And next year you'll appreciate spending Xmas with your family all the more.

Rogue - with you on materialism, we initially fell foul and have since reigned it way back in. It's not about sackfuls of stuff to us and the kids, it's about the excitement of the FC visit and putting out a beer and mince pie, getting a stocking, spending time with cousins and family, playing games, making and eating a celebratory meal together, the whole shebang. Very little emphasis on 'stuff'.

And I always felt the magic. Nothing to do with God. It's like believing in the faraway tree, it's something that lasts only a few years and is something I treasure from childhood.

Snakes we've tried. POA for dad, but mum is well in possession of all her senses, thank goodness!