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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about Christmas plans?

269 replies

Grumpyaboutchristmas · 01/10/2016 19:21

Genuinely would like views. I've name changed as with all other info from previous posts this could be quite identifying.

My family loves Christmas. We do big celebrations, not flash but lots of family and we love the tree, decorations and the whole day together. Husband's family not so bothered. They aren't that close, we've rarely done Christmas together and there has now been a family fall out with one of the in law siblings so no more big dos.

MIL and FIL in different care homes hundreds of miles away from us (different needs). We wanted them to move near us from years ago (so we could look after them in their old age) but they refused. Now they are in care homes we asked if they would move to care homes nearer to us (or one of the other siblings) so we can help care for them, bring them here for meals, do shopping etc for them, bring the kids to see them and so on. They refused.

I get that it would be quite disorientating to move when they are so old, but their quality of life would be immeasurably better. They have few friends and even fewer visitors. All of us live miles away from them and have family, work and other life commitments which means the weekend round trip to spend time in a hotel with care home visits is pretty unrewarding. They are quite old and also old fashioned and have never been hands on with the kids, and to be honest are anecdotally interested in the children but not so much in real life. The kids bring stuff to do when we are there but there's little interaction. To be fair, that's not anyone's fault, it's just the way it is and always was, even before the in laws had to go into homes.

So this year my family are already planning what to do at Christmas (don't judge us, I know it's early but my sibling and husband work shifts which they need to work around). We arrange to meet either for Christmas or for another date in between to celebrate it. We usually do Christmas day with my family just because we love it and husband's family aren't bothered. This year though, husband has suggested we go to his family. It would mean staying in a hotel near them in Xmas eve, with no tree or decorations (in rooms at least) for Christmas Eve or morning, followed by ferrying his mum to lunch in a restaurant, which would be quite low key and reserved (as it always is), followed by visit to granddad (who can't come out his home any more), followed by back to hotel. We would have to bring presents but somehow hide them from the kids - we don't have the biggest car in the world and it would be tricky to say the least. It just feels so unchristmassy. I don't want to do it but feel awful saying that. I think we make Christmas really special for the kids and i don't think that day sounds special. I'd be happy to do this any day but Christmas Day (and do, willingly, and encourage visits usually).

So AIBU to say we go to my family and not his, but go to his family on 27th once we're back? It might mean that his parents are alone in their care homes on Xmas day. One of his siblings did Christmas Day with them several years in a row (I don't think they brought the family with them though) and I don't think the others would do it at all. It makes me feel terrible to think of the in laws alone, but I also feel, somewhat terribly, that if they had moved to be near us then there wouldn't be this issue (we'd have Xmas morning here, and then bring them here, visit grandad etc). We'd have control and we could make it special for them and for the kids. In a random hotel, with Christmas dinner in a random pub or restaurant, we can't do that. The fact that they refused, in my view somewhat pigheadedly, to move anywhere near any of their children has created a situation where Christmas with young children and them is nigh on impossible to accommodate. We did say that our wings were clipped by the distance and logistics and we can't help or do as much from this distance, and I guess that includes things like Christmas. AIBU?

OP posts:
brasty · 01/10/2016 21:16

If though it could possibly be the in laws last Christmas, then I think you should go for the sake of your DP.
If FIL lasts till Christmas we will be doing this. Not for FILs sake, but for my DPs sake.

RobberBride · 01/10/2016 21:17

I say this as an absolute Christmas fiend with a nightmare family situation: I think you're setting your children a poor example, as they are seeing that it is ok to be selfish. Christmas is supposed to be about family and celebration, but also about sacrifice and not getting everything you want.

On a practical level, Christmas day is THE best day of the year to travel. Can you not get the kids up early (should be no problem!) for Xmas morning at home, then leave whenever you need to to dash across the country for the lunch? It will take half the time it normally does! Play Christmas games and music in the car. Then as pps suggest, book a nice hotel or Airbnb for that evening, and make sure you've kept back a few smaller presents for them to open in the evening. Then plan something awesome in a new place for the next day - Christmas panto or another show?

brasty · 01/10/2016 21:20

Just want to reply to your comment about weekend visits to their care homes being pretty unrewarding. I hate visiting my FIL. It is a long way to drive and my FILs memory is going, so he just ends up telling us the same few stories again and again. But we don't go because it is a rewarding weekend away. We go because he is very elderly all ill and needs his family to visit him. It is not a fun weekend away.

DirtyDancing · 01/10/2016 21:23

I've spent part of Xmas day in a care home. I've spent part of it in a hospital. That was the same year.. My Xmas in a care home and hospital. It's not for everyone, but my Nan and Uncle were very pleased to see us.

Sometimes, now and again, life is about a little bit of give as well as take. It doesn't sound like you are able to do a lot for them throughout the year due to the distance. My Mum looked after 2 relatives daily for 10 years, so for her she got Xmas 'off' to spent it how she wanted. You said other relatives have done it for several years in a row... Perhaps it's your turn this year.

Why not give a little this year and do it for them? I'm sure they would appreciate the company

EweAreHere · 01/10/2016 21:25

Based on what you've written, I wouldn't do it either OP. They made their decisions, they refused to consider the logistics for everyone else in the family, and you have young children to consider.

Your children's Christmas should take priority. Visit the Inlaws on the 27th.

sparkleglitterdaisy · 01/10/2016 21:26

I totally agree with not moving care homes , it's very traumatic once an elderly person has got used to and likes where they are - don't forget the care home is just that - their home, and asking them to move is unreasonable. You can have a nice Christmas away from home , some hotels go to lots of effort . And by organisation you can still do all the things you would normally do . Think it would depend on how well your MIL is whether it's worth it though , would you take her out for lunch ? If you're just popping in to see her at the home for a couple of hours & then she gets tired , perhaps it's better to go before or after Christmas . After all she is not going to be alone , she'll have the staff & other residents for company . Do you manage to visit them on a regular basis anyway ? Think that's more important . Christmas Day is just that - one day .

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/10/2016 21:27

You're getting caught up on the day and tbh on a practical level, there's no need. I had lots of Polish friends growing up and for them, the highlight of Christmas was always Christmas Eve. That was when they would have a family meal, exchange gifts etc. My point is that you can create the magic of Christmas on any day for DCs and they won't feel they have missed out.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/10/2016 21:30

They made their decisions, they refused to consider the logistics for everyone else in the family

So very elderly parents should up sticks and move for everyone else!?

CotswoldStrife · 01/10/2016 21:33

OP, you really seem to be bearing a grudge about their refusal to move - on the first page of this thread you had six posts and four of them mentioned the distance. I understand it is frustrating but I do think you need to let that go. It is what it is.

It is a tricky situation as I can understand not wanting to spend Christmas in a hotel. However - it's really not fair to expect your DH to spend Christmas day with your family knowing that his parents are alone (they are not even with each other). I'm not sure what the best solution is for your family but I do think that your DH is going to be quite resentful if he doesn't get to see them.

I hope you manage to sort something out.

LucyLot · 01/10/2016 21:34

It's quite unreasonable to expect your elderly inlaws to live where is convenient for you.

rogueantimatter · 01/10/2016 21:36

Talk about it with your DH more.

Catzpyjamas · 01/10/2016 21:36

Found some advice on Sykes Cottages page about spending Christmas in a rental holiday home.

mumontheedge123 · 01/10/2016 21:38

Hope when you're older and in the care home your son comes to visit you!

bummyknocker · 01/10/2016 22:31

Spending Christmas with your just your family every year is unfair. As RobberBride said, mentioned that Christmas is about family, just has it has been for you in the past but not just your family for once. You need to do this, and be enthusiastic about it too DO not do it under sufferance.

You can still bring the magic for your kids ,it'll need some planning. If you can hire somewhere then you can make it your own, otherwise, a hotel will be fine too, the kids may love doing something different!

EweAreHere · 01/10/2016 22:35

So very elderly parents should up sticks and move for everyone else!?

They were asked before they were very elderly ... they were asked years ago, and now they are very elderly. They chose to locate themselves somewhere where they weren't close to family, knowing it would be difficult for people to visit them. I'm sorry, but you have to live with your choices under this scenario.

Family is still trying to do right by them, but, no, they shouldn't expect to get everything they want based on the logistics that they insisted upon.

bummyknocker · 01/10/2016 22:39

PS, whilst it might be inconvenient or you for them to be there, they are home, with people and accents they are familiar with, talking about places they know; or people, they may even know people in the home form when they were younger, or somebody works there who is the daughter of somebody they worked with etc. The thing is, they have connections there they would never have coming elsewhere so far away.

Secretmetalfan · 01/10/2016 22:42

Christmas is all about the kids imo which is why we always stay at home on the day. Could your mil come to you? Otherwise I would have the day at home and visit both sets of parents either side of the day

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/10/2016 22:44

They were asked before they were very elderly ... they were asked years ago, and now they are very elderly. They chose to locate themselves somewhere where they weren't close to family, knowing it would be difficult for people to visit them. I'm sorry, but you have to live with your choices under this scenario.

Actually the OP hasn't said the parents moved away.

They could have lived in the same area all of the lives and the children that have moved away.

The children chose to locate themselves far away from the parents too.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 01/10/2016 22:46

YANBU.

Christmas Day is for the kids. I'd drive up Boxing Day.

DiegeticMuch · 01/10/2016 22:48

Christmas Eve in a travelodge with such young children? No way. If they were teenagers who didn't believe in FC etc it might be a good lesson in compromise and family values etc etc, but that's a few years away yet. Prioritise them whilst they're still little. especially given that the grandparents sound a bit stubborn and self-centred anyway.

You could always do the travelodge thing on Friday 23rd, maybe going out for an early dinner with MiL that night and spending time at your FiL's care home on Saturday morning, before returning home.

ny20005 · 01/10/2016 22:50

I think you need to talk to your dp & see what he wants to do & then go with it. you can still make it special for the kids if you do go, you don't have to compromise on that

Blueskyrain · 01/10/2016 23:09

Christmas is wonderful for children, but it should be about the whole family, not just the kids.

I feel the parents are being penalised for not being willing to up sticks and move to where their children have gone. There's an argument that if anyone is moving, it should be the adult children, not the elderly parents. But certainly no one should feel forced to move, including the parents.

confuugled1 · 01/10/2016 23:10

I would talk to the home and find out what they have planned as well as when their quieter days are after Christmas.

Then say that as the home has lots organised and it's going to be a lovely day that would be a shame to miss, you will be coming on one of the quieter days.

Then I'd have a lovely christmas with my relatives and ensure that the kids had a fantastic time with all their cousins - and do a special post Christmas trip to the PIL. No guilt. No messing around. Enjoy both.

Verbena37 · 01/10/2016 23:10

Are your in-laws anywhere near a Center Parcs?
If yes, and it's financially viable, could you book your family in there for Xmas week and visit the inlaws for a couple of hours in the afternoon on Christmas Day?

We don't see out families at all at Christmas because we love going away together, just dh, me and the kids. We see each sets of parents before and after. Nobody minds.

Wayfarersonbaby · 01/10/2016 23:10

I wouldn't do it. Adults have had lots of Christmasses, they understand what it's about. Children of 5 and 6 only have a couple of years left as believers and these are the Christmasses they will remember as adults. I know it is sad when adults are in this situation (my grandmother is in a dementia care home). Your FIL won't even know, so it's really MIL that is the issue. I think that she might have to accept that you'll see her a couple of days later. A care home is not the right place for children of that age either, especially at Christmas. I think you need to prioritise your children here, even though it is a sad situation for your DH and his mum.