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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu? Well, are we being unreasonable?

280 replies

laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 21:32

My stepdaughter will be 13 in December, she regularly takes the bus from her home town to a large city some 20/30 miles away.

She visits every other weekend (commitments permitting) and meeting her mother halfway after work (half5) is costing a small fortune in fuel and with traffic getting worse is taking ages for them to get back here (don't get back till half 6/7pm) and I have 2 small children waiting for dinner and bed.

There is a bus that leaves Just after she leaves school and only takes an hour to reach our town where my partner would meet her, it works out cheaper and means no rush hour traffic so they are back by half 5 latest ( if traffic at complete standstill). She has done it this evening no problem at all. However her mother is saying that come winter she will have more to bring and coats etc and that it won't work...are we being unreasonable to say that she can leave clothes/pjs here and that she will be wearing her coat anyway so no reason it can't work?
Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

Please note: stepdaughter happy to catch bus, mother is the one making a big deal about it. Also my OH is having an op in November and won't be driving at all for at least 4 weeks, he can't even lift a kettle for 2 weeks post-op so won't be able to collect. (And before anyone says- no, I will not collect her halfway (only from the bus) I have two small children and will not drive them for nearly two hours unnecessarily)

OP posts:
RetroImp · 01/10/2016 00:08

This thread left me sad. It's pretty clear that the OP does see her DP's child as a nuisance, both for the precious little time she gets to actually spend with her dad and the money she costs them. My father would have travelled to the world and back to pick me up. That is what a loving dad does. Never mind that it might be quicker and more convenient for the OP. It's not even about safety but being cherished and made to not feel second class within her family. As for the IP's DP - WTF?!! The Fifties aren't calling to get him back. If he is holding down a job and appears to otherwise function as an adult, he can bloody well remember basic important tasks, like call your first born and organise to see her. I'd tear him a new one for being such a selfish mentally lazy cockwomble! And once he can't pick her up - then FFS go and get her. Remember it could be your kids being treated this appallingly in a few years time!

GreatFuckability · 01/10/2016 00:09

I think you all need to grow up and think about what all your petty squabbling about buses and car journeys is saying to this child. that she isn't worth an hour or annoyance once a fortnight so she can spend time with her dad and siblings and stepmum. honest to god, the mentality is ridiculous. the mother also sounds petty and obstructive. so be the bigger person and maybe she also will grow the fuck up.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2016 00:09

The bus issue is a red herring though isn't it?

The real issue is the nasty snide contempt coming through from the op to her step daughter. Jeez I can't get over the circus comment Sad

PickachuPurrlease · 01/10/2016 00:10

The AIBU is not about IF it is ok for a 12 year old to travel on a bus.

IT is about, AIBU to say if the child's RP says no to catching the bus that we just don't bother seeing the child.

And the answer to that from step parents and parents has been yes UABVU.

EdmundCleverClogs · 01/10/2016 00:11

I also bet Richard Branson didn't have dirty pervs 'accidentally' rubbing their crotch onto him, or grabbing his arse on public transport though....

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 01/10/2016 00:13

And those asking if I would let mine when they are that age? Yes, because eventually you have to cut the umbilical cord and let them grow up! Because I want my girls to have that confidence and independence, to be sensible enough to be safe....she has a phone, she has our numbers, we all know the timetable. So as a mother? Yes once they are 11-12/13 I will allow them to take the bus...

OP posts:
pasanda · 01/10/2016 00:14

I'm struggling with how many people feel that a teenage girl can't take public transport for an hours journey.

Me too..

LyndaNotLinda · 01/10/2016 00:15

He can't afford the petrol, CSA is killing you, blah blah.

Perhaps he and you should have thought about his existing child before you had more.

I hate these threads. You got together and had children with a man who you knew already had a child. And you decided to have more children and suddenly his first child is an inconvenience.

It's so unkind

MrsC2810 · 01/10/2016 00:16

YABVVVU for even thinking of saying she can't come if she doesn't get the bus.

I'm a little Shock at the fact you couldn't/ won't do it for 4 weeks, and when your partner does do it, all you talk about is how it inconveniences you and your dinner etc.

I have a step daughter and although I don't drive, I'd walk miles to go and collect her, with my 2 year old also.

katemess12 · 01/10/2016 00:16

Has two Land Rovers, whinges about money.

What a cock up. You and your partner both need your heads screwed on properly.

Your poor stepdaughter.

SaoirseLikeInertia · 01/10/2016 00:17

Ok, but if you weren't happy to let them do something- who would get the final say? You or your 12 yr old?

MrsC2810 · 01/10/2016 00:18

And also YY to the CSA comment, really?!

FWIW - I agree the girl is old enough and happy to get the bus alone but also if her mum isn't happy about it, it's up to your partner to sort it with her.

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 01/10/2016 00:19

Ahhh...I was waiting for the "firstborn" comment...I've had that before...retrolmp - mostly from those who feel it's ok for the mother to move on, have more kids etc but not the father! No! He should spend eternity at the beck and call of his ex and their child together and cave to their every demand...bollox!

OP posts:
katemess12 · 01/10/2016 00:21

He has his daughter for 2 weeks a month. That's not "at the beck and call". That's fairly mediocre "parenting" at best.

Your attitude is appalling. Karma will get you eventually.

PickachuPurrlease · 01/10/2016 00:22

its not about the bloody bus!

I have seen so many good stepmums who are at the end of their tether reach out for help on here and been met with utter disgust for the meer mention of the word stepmum And I'm the first to jump to their defence as they are met with utter hatred, but all that has come across is that this child is a massive inconvenience.

I just hope people who actually read the thread, see that a lot of stepmums don't think like this and would for the sake of £20, bunging their own children in a car and/or giving up their free time to help whilst their DP couldn't drive - actually would and do this for their stepchildren on a far more regular basis.

SovietKitsch · 01/10/2016 00:22

You'll have to pay even more CSA if she doesn't come EOW anymore...

Discobabe · 01/10/2016 00:23

Asking for her to be collected half way between your homes once every two wks is hardly being on her beck and call.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2016 00:24

God you really resent this child don't you? The more you say, the more spiteful and cold you sound about your DC's half sister.

Nasty nasty comments from you op about a child. Your partner 'a child. Shameful

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 01/10/2016 00:24

Wow!! Read it, don't scan it! He is not, he realised he is allowed a life, and that we are also allowed a life. One that doesn't revolve around a child or an ex, god knows ours doesn't revolve around our youngest two...
But yes, I insist on family dinner...god help me I'm a terrible person!

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 01/10/2016 00:24

this isn't about the bus. at all. this is about the fact the child's mother doesn't want to do anything that will make her dads and stepmothers life easier, and the fact her dad and stepmother don't want to do anything that makes the mothers life easier. so basically, its because 3 supposed grown ups can't get over themselves long enough to realise in the middle of all this ridiculous, petty, bullshit is a child. a real person.

you all need to compromise. one weekend she gets the bus, one weekend, you pick her up. that way you only need to put yourself/your dp out once a month and she only needs to drag her shit around on the bus once a month. or something. just GROW UP.

metaphoricus · 01/10/2016 00:24

mother is the one being difficult

No. Her mother is not being 'difficult'.
She is trying to keep her daughter out of harm's way.
Catching a bus on a warm, light summer evening is a world
away from catching a bus on a dark, rainy or snowy winter's night.
I would not allow my 13yr old DD to do this either.
Perhaps it sounds over protective to some, but she sounds
as though she could do with a bit of protectiveness from somebody.
Good for mother. I hope she sticks to her guns.

SovietKitsch · 01/10/2016 00:24

My DCs' step-mum regularly makes a 4 hour round trip to pick them up for contact. I think I'll hug her the next time I see her after reading this thread!

BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2016 00:27

God you're vile and the more you say they more vile you sound

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 01/10/2016 00:29

Tell you what, I'll let you all know how it goes...for now I need sleep...you know after making cakes with my girls and my stepdaughter in that extra time she got here this evening..maybe I should call social on myself?!

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 01/10/2016 00:31

The mother does half the journeys to facilitate contact, it would no doubt make her own life easier if her DD got the bus. The fact that she would prefer to keep doing the driving suggests that she has genuine concerns about the bus.

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