Aibu? Well, are we being unreasonable?

[laidbackmummy13]

My stepdaughter will be 13 in December, she regularly takes the bus from her home town to a large city some 20/30 miles away.

She visits every other weekend (commitments permitting) and meeting her mother halfway after work (half5) is costing a small fortune in fuel and with traffic getting worse is taking ages for them to get back here (don't get back till half 6/7pm) and I have 2 small children waiting for dinner and bed.

There is a bus that leaves Just after she leaves school and only takes an hour to reach our town where my partner would meet her, it works out cheaper and means no rush hour traffic so they are back by half 5 latest ( if traffic at complete standstill). She has done it this evening no problem at all. However her mother is saying that come winter she will have more to bring and coats etc and that it won't work...are we being unreasonable to say that she can leave clothes/pjs here and that she will be wearing her coat anyway so no reason it can't work?
Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

Please note: stepdaughter happy to catch bus, mother is the one making a big deal about it. Also my OH is having an op in November and won't be driving at all for at least 4 weeks, he can't even lift a kettle for 2 weeks post-op so won't be able to collect. (And before anyone says- no, I will not collect her halfway (only from the bus) I have two small children and will not drive them for nearly two hours unnecessarily)

LadyConstance - has anyone said she's comparing the stepdaughter to a monkey? I think they (including me) think it's a very dismissive way to refer to a member of her family and it implies a lack of care

To be honest, I thought people could only be getting so indignant because that is precisely what they were alleging. If they were only telling her off for saying it wasn't her business, that is even sillier, because she has repeatedly been told in equally aggressive terms that it was, guess what, none of her business.

But I suspect that the reality is that in the earlier stages of the thread there has been the usual phenomenon of bandwagon-jumping.

I insist on a family dinner

Ah yes, because "family" is so very important to you. Yet you've said you wouldn't be prepared to adjust your DC's mealtime once every two weeks in order for your DP to have a relationship with his daughter. Do you realise how hypocritical that is?

Look, the suggestion of DSD catching the bus wasn't in itself unreasonable. Very few of the people on this thread saying YABU have an issue with the idea of her catching the bus or even if they agree with your DP's ex about the bus, they haven't said you were wrong to suggest it. What they have an issue with is the ultimatum. It doesn't matter if you are a paragon of reasonableness and virtue and your DP's ex is the most difficult, unreasonable bitch who ever walked the earth...it's not ok to punish an innocent child for her Mother's unreasonableness. Especially when the punishment is losing her Dad.

The family dinner is really not a valid reason to object to him meeting her halfway. If the only chance you had to eat as a family happened to be on those two Fridays a month that DsD was due to come then yes, it could be considered a reason to adjust the current arrangement. But you've said yourself OP you eat together every night, so it's not a big deal at all that your husband misses two dinners a month with his younger children.

Sorry OP but you are being very unreasonable. I had to re-read to check that you said once a FORTNIGHT! I don't see why you can't change your routine whilst your partner is unable to drive. I'm a step mum and it wouldn't even cross my mind to make DSS take a bus to stay with us when I have access to a car. I'd find a way to ensure I had enough fuel money. Just a thought but it would be lovely for you and your DP to spend these evenings with your DSD when your children are in bed so she has one on one time with you both and feels part of your family. Change your routine for one evening a fortnight and feed the kids early so you can relax when they get home and make the most of your time together. I agree with PPs who said your DP sounds useless, a typical man doesn't forget to contact their own child! That's far from typical...

A couple of hours alone together in the car could be great bonding time if he were interested in what makes her tick, her friends, school, politics etc. They can talk about music and sing along to the radio loudly together. Lots of things they can do stuck in traffic. Does your dh not talk to her much, or does he just get stressed and angry when he's driving in heavy traffic?

They could stop along the way and have supper together. You and the babes eat at home, put them to bed, and be ready to spend the rest of the evening with your dh and dsd not doing baby stuff or talking about babies, but really focussing on dsd and her role in your family.