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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu? Well, are we being unreasonable?

280 replies

laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 21:32

My stepdaughter will be 13 in December, she regularly takes the bus from her home town to a large city some 20/30 miles away.

She visits every other weekend (commitments permitting) and meeting her mother halfway after work (half5) is costing a small fortune in fuel and with traffic getting worse is taking ages for them to get back here (don't get back till half 6/7pm) and I have 2 small children waiting for dinner and bed.

There is a bus that leaves Just after she leaves school and only takes an hour to reach our town where my partner would meet her, it works out cheaper and means no rush hour traffic so they are back by half 5 latest ( if traffic at complete standstill). She has done it this evening no problem at all. However her mother is saying that come winter she will have more to bring and coats etc and that it won't work...are we being unreasonable to say that she can leave clothes/pjs here and that she will be wearing her coat anyway so no reason it can't work?
Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

Please note: stepdaughter happy to catch bus, mother is the one making a big deal about it. Also my OH is having an op in November and won't be driving at all for at least 4 weeks, he can't even lift a kettle for 2 weeks post-op so won't be able to collect. (And before anyone says- no, I will not collect her halfway (only from the bus) I have two small children and will not drive them for nearly two hours unnecessarily)

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2016 00:33

And to all those saying she's 13, she's not. She's 12.

Like I say, the bus isn't the issue. It really isn't.

Frazzledmum123 · 01/10/2016 00:34

Like other people have said, this has very little to do with the bus itself, it's the attitude. You aren't prepared for your own children to miss a dinner with their dad but you would be happy for her to miss a visit? It's ok for him to miss dinner if it's a work thing but not his daughter?

You aren't prepared for your two to make any sacrifices but think she should. My husbands family live 2 hours away and are too elderly to visit us so we go to them. Do I relish taking 2 kids for a 4 hour round trip, no, but family is important, all of it!

whether or not YOU would be comfortable for her to catch the bus, her mum is not and as a parent of any sort that needs to be respected. I don't think people have issues because you are a step parent as such but it is the way she is treated so differently to your own. If she was yours, and your husband was uncomfortable with her doing something would you say you didn't have enough money to find an alternative because of the younger two?

I'm sure it is really hard having to butt out and leave it between the parents some times and treat her as your own other times and I can see why it sounds unfair of people to say that. But harsh as it is, that's the reality of split families, you are an adult and knew what you were getting into. She on the other hand had no choice

If you really think the mum is being unreasonable then fine, maybe she is, we don't know where she is coming from. Maybe she is being a purposefully awkward cow or just down right unreasonable but doesn't mean you and your partner should be too and the girl stuck in the middle. For her sake be the bigger people and do whatever it takes for her to see her dad. Any man worth anything would go out of his way to keep up contact with his child

ilovegin112 · 01/10/2016 00:37

the girls mother already drives half way to deliver her child to the op oh, how the hell is she being unreasonable?? The oh is wanting to change things, i am sorry i would not want my ds getting on a bus for 2 hours in winter

the aibu was you get the bus don't come at all which i find is disgusting ,

ps op I have a landrover and can get approx 300 on half a tank which costs me approx £30

ilovegin112 · 01/10/2016 00:38
  • 300 miles
Memoires · 01/10/2016 00:44

If the CSA is killing you, perhaps you could think about having he at your more often?

As for those saying that a 12 yo can catch the bus, it really depends on the 12yo, and on where you live, where the bus stops are, what sort of route, how much waiting time there is if the bus generally runs on schedule and is reliable, and so on.

Round here you couldn't count on it, many buses run fairly empty, as we're in a smallish town surrounded by villages the bus stops aren't particularly safe being usually rural (2 stops in the town, then it's fields and long windy country roads surrounded by hedgerows and bushes or woodland. I would not happy about my 17 yo waiting for a bus in many places en route. Fine if she's catching it in town and going to get off at a stop actually in a village at a time when there are likely toe people about, but most of the stops are between the actual villages with track to walk on to get to, say, that hamlet a mile away. Not safe.

Evilstepmum01 · 01/10/2016 01:15

oooh, OP, you posted on AIBU and admitted you are a STEPMUM! The bitter ex-wives hang out on here, you'll actually get good advice on the step-parenting thread on here.
And not be judged or flamed for daring to believe your world does not revolve around your DSD. Poor child, having to catch...a...bus! Oh my god!

Hope you get it sorted, i'm sure once DH has recoverd, if its snowing and windy, he'll go pick her up!
I have a DSD and an ex wife-DSD is also not my monkey, so I leave DH to sort transport/picking up/dropping off. Happy to help/hug/love/play if needed, but I'm being a good stepmum and a good mum by stepping back and letting her parents.....well, parent!

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 01/10/2016 01:18

I don't see a problem with a 13 year old getting on a bus at around 4/4.30, even in winter. At that time it will be full of commuters and she'll be perfectly safe.

Laidbackorlazy · 01/10/2016 01:18

I'm struggling with how many people feel that a teenage girl can't take public transport for an hours journey.

Me three - I don't get it. A bus is quicker, a bus has a driver, why would it not be ok for a 13 year old to get a bus??

PickachuPurrlease · 01/10/2016 01:27

ARRRGGGH It's not an anti stepmum brigade!!!

Lots of stepmums said she was UR

It's not about the bloody bus, it was about saying "if she can't catch the bus she can't visit"

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 01/10/2016 01:29

OP can't win, can she? First of all she gets roundly told off for daring to think it is any of her business, and that it's purely something between her husband and his daughter. Then she agrees that it's none of her business, and we get 20 posts telling her how vile that is.

I really do not see the big deal. Girls of this age all over the country are getting on buses in the dark every day after school, often laden down with school books, lunch boxes and musical instruments, many for journeys in the region of an hour or more. No-one comes on here claiming that their parents are being unutterably cruel to them.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 01/10/2016 01:33

It's not about the bloody bus,

It is for many, many people on this thread. I've lost count of the number of posts saying how children will melt if it rains when they are waiting for the bus, or will get attacked, or will suffer massively but in a wholly unspecified manner as a result to having to sit on a bus for an hour. Never mind that if she was at home, chances are she would be sitting down messing around on her phone, which is exactly what she will do on the bus.

Somerville · 01/10/2016 01:33

This is becoming cancel the cheque.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/10/2016 01:34

The child's mum doesn't appear to think it's unsafe for her to get the bus, nor her father, nor the child herself, so I really don't think a bunch of Internet posters who know neither the route nor the child should be listened to in that front. The hysterics on this thread about how awful catching a bus is are mildly shocking - you'd think public transport was one of the circles of hell.

OP you say the mother's concerns are around the logistics of all the stuff she'll need in the winter, so I think a wait and see approach is probably wise and trying to ensure the quantity of luggage stays reasonable. But it seems like a bit of a vague, ill defined concern to voice at this point - more of a flag waving that she's not really comfortable with it later in the year in general. So maybe, after a few goes of it working well, your husband should have a bit more of an indepth chat with his ex about the whole thing and see if there is anything else niggling at her. On the whole the bus solution seems to suit you all better than the driving solution, so it would be great not to stumble into a road block you could have avoided.

RunningLulu · 01/10/2016 01:38

I don't think you're being unreasonable expecting her to take a bus if she's not SEN. My dd has been travelling by bus an hour each way to school since she turned 11, and I frequently see 10 year olds on my commuter train to London.

PickachuPurrlease · 01/10/2016 01:38

It became about the bus

But it's actually about a child who is 12, stuck in the middle of this.

The OP's AIBU was - if she can't catch the bus are we being unreasonable to say she can't come at all.

Then she said not my monkey not my problem and it became all about money

its for me about a 12 year old kid stuck in the middle of all of this. Her RP doesn't want her catching a bus all that way in November her step mother and father can't pay the £10 in fuel

It's two weekends the OP needs to get in a car and pick up her step daughter whilst her husband gets better from an operation. Surely he can look after their children for an hour

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 01/10/2016 01:45

If OP's husband can't lift anything, it really isn't practical for him to look after a three year old with health problems and a one year old.

MoominKitten · 01/10/2016 01:45

YABU.

It's not an unreasonable thing to suggest. But if any of the parties are uncomfortable with it, it is unreasonable to push it.

Your attitude displays a lot of unwarranted hostility to your stepdaughter, and I agree with many PP that you may well be trying to push your step-daughter out of the picture. If so, that is absolutely disgusting and abhorrent behavior that will alienate decent people from you.

And as for CSA killing the family budget, well, you knew that was a fact before you had children with him. So your choice, your circus, your monkeys. I suspect some of them fly tbh.

PickachuPurrlease · 01/10/2016 01:54

Unless I missed something the father in all of this is only unable to drive.

That does not make him completely incapable of doing anything

Careforadrink · 01/10/2016 02:07

You really are determined to live up to the wicked step mother stereotype aren't you?

Poor child.

Your selfishness is appalling. And his.

2 landrovers but don't want to shell out £10 on petrol. Should have thought of this before you had 2 more kids. Suck it up.

You're a disgrace.

SpareASquare · 01/10/2016 02:19

I am a step mother but far from a nasty one

Your very own words say otherwise. One of the worse attitudes I've ever seen.
You and your 'typical male' (gag) will get yours.

And no, so not about the bus

MoreCoffeeNow · 01/10/2016 06:45

YANBU, OP.

11 year olds all over the country are catching buses home from school and there's no reason why your DSD can't.

Some people on this thread are being utterly ridiculous. Some haven't even bothered to read it properly. Or they chosen not to, just so they can have a go at a step mother which seems the norm on MN.

wheresthel1ght · 01/10/2016 07:24

Oh wow op you just get better.

2 landrovers?!! Ffs live within your means - you do not need a landrovers to get everyone in - actually they are the worst possible cars to get car seats in - I know we have one. It is utterly impractical with 2 adults and 3 kids as 1 on on a car seat so I traded my fully paid for, immaculate condition focus on for a family car to accommodate my step kids. It is massively economical so I suggest you look at swapping cars

You really are the reason us step parents get such a beating on this forums.

HmmmmBop · 01/10/2016 07:45

I'm a step mum, I think you're well out of order (and its people like you who give the rest of us a bad name).

You're treating your step daughter like she's less worthy than your birth children, you're infantilising your husband whilst expecting your step daughter to act more maturely than him, you're blaming child maintenance for being skint when you're still able to afford luxuries and also the saying is not my circus not my monkeys rather than the other way around and to use that in relation to a child is fucking awful.

Chocolatecake12 · 01/10/2016 08:11

I knew a lad once that went on the train for an hour and a half a journey to meet his dad halfway to where his dad lived, then his dad picked him up and they travelled the rest of the way together.
You need to do what works for you. I'm sure she has a mobile. She can text when she's near and you could meet her. She could text if there was a delay and a contingency plan could be put in place.
Between her parents and her maybe they could agree to trial it and see how everyone feels about.
Good luck op. I don't think YABU

HaPPy8 · 01/10/2016 08:19

If the traffic is bad at the times your dsd comes to you would changing the 'handover' times/days be an option?