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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu? Well, are we being unreasonable?

280 replies

laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 21:32

My stepdaughter will be 13 in December, she regularly takes the bus from her home town to a large city some 20/30 miles away.

She visits every other weekend (commitments permitting) and meeting her mother halfway after work (half5) is costing a small fortune in fuel and with traffic getting worse is taking ages for them to get back here (don't get back till half 6/7pm) and I have 2 small children waiting for dinner and bed.

There is a bus that leaves Just after she leaves school and only takes an hour to reach our town where my partner would meet her, it works out cheaper and means no rush hour traffic so they are back by half 5 latest ( if traffic at complete standstill). She has done it this evening no problem at all. However her mother is saying that come winter she will have more to bring and coats etc and that it won't work...are we being unreasonable to say that she can leave clothes/pjs here and that she will be wearing her coat anyway so no reason it can't work?
Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

Please note: stepdaughter happy to catch bus, mother is the one making a big deal about it. Also my OH is having an op in November and won't be driving at all for at least 4 weeks, he can't even lift a kettle for 2 weeks post-op so won't be able to collect. (And before anyone says- no, I will not collect her halfway (only from the bus) I have two small children and will not drive them for nearly two hours unnecessarily)

OP posts:
Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 01/10/2016 08:24

No, we looked at that but due to work commitments on BOTH sides we just can't.

OP posts:
busyboysmum · 01/10/2016 08:35

I can't understand why the bus journey means less time stuck in traffic. If so why don't you follow the bus route? Surely both you and the bus are using the same roads?

I think YABU and I feel sad for your SD that her father can't be bothered to pick her up once a fortnight.

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 01/10/2016 08:58

The bus is at a completely different time, it is before the traffic, whereas once they have finished work it is hell. Traffic has got much worse over summer we are not sure why)

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 01/10/2016 09:06

It's once a fortnight ffs

If you're Dh wants to see his daughter then he needs to sort it himself, you are obviously not going to put yourself out in any way for the journey. Could he liaise with her mum and agree something between them whilst he has thus major surgery?

Think you are just making things worse.
If he genuinely can't afford a few pounds for petrol every other week then that's a sad state of affairs....
Feel sorry for her.

MoreCoffeeNow · 01/10/2016 09:10

It's a son, Scoop.

MoreCoffeeNow · 01/10/2016 09:11

Sorry, Scoop, wrong thread. Too many open at one time.

choli · 01/10/2016 09:16

What exactly is it that poster think would happen on a bus "in the dark" that wouldn't happen in daylight?

Any of us brought up in rural areas spent lots of time on buses in the dark and in the light and survived. I presume the child would be dropped at the bus stop by one parent, and collected at the other stop by the other parent. What exactly is the danger that some fear?

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 01/10/2016 09:26

Unless I missed something the father in all of this is only unable to drive.

You did miss something. He will be unable to lift anything after the operation.

Youarenotprepared · 01/10/2016 09:27

Lots of kids catch buses for up to an hour at 11 to get to school and back. I did it.

I think some people are missing the fact the child ALREADY CATCHES A BUS from school, this is just a slightly longer bus.

If she's getting the bus from a decent bus stop/station where she won't be isolated and is picked up at the other end I actually can't see the issue.

I would have happily caught a bus from school to my dads at that age if there had been one. As it was I got buses to work or my grandmas.

You would be very unreasonable to say. No bus no visit but I don't think catching a bus is in itself unreasonable, especially if she already regularly catches buses.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 01/10/2016 09:32

People are being incredibly precious about "not my circus, not my monkeys." It's just an expression regularly used on here to mean "none of my business", and it is utterly ridiculous to suggest that OP is referring to her stepdaughter as a monkey. If she'd said it was none of her beeswax you wouldn't (I hope) be telling her off for comparing her stepdaughter to insects, yet it's precisely the same thing. And if you want to tell her off for saying it's not her business, you need to reconcile that with the posters who keep telling her precisely that.

Youarenotprepared · 01/10/2016 09:35

OP, why is the bus not stuck in traffic, taking two hours, like your dh is?

I assume the bus (from school as established) would leave around 3.30 and get into the village at around 4.30 when the daughter could get off it and then meet her dad at 4.30/5.00 and get home much faster.

The other journey seems to involve the child getting a bus home being picked up by mum then dropped half way by mum (or in fact just getting a bus to mums work I can't tell) then dad driving at 4.30/5.00 in the wrong direction for 30 mins before he heads home through rush hour traffic.

I really can't see what the bus issue is? If it was snowing or pitch black at 4.00 I would pick her up but from what I can tell she would still have to get on a school bus anyway so I can't see how it's different?

Youarenotprepared · 01/10/2016 09:36

If the nearest bus stop is 10miles away, don't you still need to drive to pick her up?

The bus goes to the town dad works in so he can just bring her home with no extra journey needed.

MillionToOneChances · 01/10/2016 09:40

But yes, I insist on family dinner...god help me I'm a terrible person!

Actually, yes you are a terrible person if you think your family dinner on one night a fortnight is more important than ensuring your DSD gets to see her dad. Don't be so selfish. I agree with you about the bus, but if you can't persuade her mother to agree it's not fair to punish a child.

I suggest the best approach is to stop being so combative but ask for it to be a trial during your DH's recovery period. By the time he's recovered hopefully everyone will see that it's best to continue.

Youarenotprepared · 01/10/2016 09:56

Op I think you lost when you said csa is killing us. Surely the extra expense of an unwell child and running two fuel heavy cars in a rural area is also killing you to name just two things. CSA is a cost that doesn't change unless your wages do so you should have always known this cost, it's one of few which does not alter frequently like fuel and utilities do.

I was with you on the buses 100% but I can't back you up on the ultimatum or csa being the only financial issue you face.

yeOldeTrout · 01/10/2016 10:03

I can't get past the claim that anyone thinks a 13yo is going to wear a coat.

Discobabe · 01/10/2016 10:44

I lol-ed at that too trout. Unheard of here Grin.

It's perfectly ok for a 12 yo to get a bus. A lot of hassle if she has to lug all her w/e stuff to school, including her valuables she might want to take, then lug it to her dads after, along with her school bag, possibly pe kit etc etc but doable. But it's not about getting a bus. It's about the fact that her dad and step mum think it's ok to say if she doesn't/can't get on the bus then she can't visit. If her mum is ok to sit through all the rush hour traffic when she too could have a much easier more relaxed evening by her dd catching the bus straight from school I can't imagine she's objecting to the bus just to be difficult.

HmmmmBop · 01/10/2016 10:46

YeOlde Grin

LadyConstance - has anyone said she's comparing the stepdaughter to a monkey? I think they (including me) think it's a very dismissive way to refer to a member of her family and it implies a lack of care (well I do anyway). I use that phrase a lot in real life, but when it comes to family (through blood, marriage or law) it is 'my circus', to say that it isn't is horrible.

Discobabe · 01/10/2016 10:51

Aibu to ask her to get the bus? No

Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all? Yes. I'm surprised anyone thinks otherwise Confused

.

TaterTots · 01/10/2016 10:57

Things I don't get on this thread:

'If you can afford to run two cars you can afford to pick her up

In what, if they're selling one of the cars?

All those saying she's 13, she's not - she's 12!

Am I missing something? Does a magic dial click over when you're 13 and suddenly you go from being a vulnerable child to responsible adult?

She can't be expected to get the bus in winter with a big coat and heavy clothes

How fucking big is this coat?!?

GabsAlot · 01/10/2016 10:59

so lets say her mum is concerned for her daughters safety and not being difficult

does that mean she will be escorting her to school an trips out with friends because shes not allowed on the bus?

no prob not

sound like the ex is stirring to try andmake life more difficult for op an her partner

the kid doesnt mind she says its quicker she feels safe and she gts picked up from bus stop

i wason the tube at that age going to school-yes in the dark!

SuperFlyHigh · 01/10/2016 11:19

Gabs from 12 etc onwards yes you allow a bit more freedom and responsibility but I still feel as a parent you have to ensure they're safe, stranger danger and all that. If that involves pick ups sometimes then that's fine.

I know I probably "felt" safer at that age but I was sometimes in contact with strange people/situations when it was darker because I was a young naive teenager. Factor in a long bus ride, this child hanging around and being approached possibly by strangers eg at a supermarket and I wouldn't be happy as the mum.

I don't know it's hard, I'm sure I got buses home in the dark in winter but not this length of time, after school and the journey (which isn't OPs fault the length of it).

The other major factors here are if she doesn't get the bus she does not come at all and the OPs charming attitude towards her SD. All those can't be denied. In fact I think many posters could overlook the bus trip in winter in the cold etc were it not for OPs attitude towards her SD otherwise.

PepsiPenguins · 01/10/2016 11:56

I feel so sorry for this child, how on earth can anyone justify giving an ultimatum to a child let alone your own child (the AIBU was a "we")

Even if her mother is the most unreasonable PITA it doesn't matter this man (who apparently is amazing) should not be even considering giving ultimatums to his child.

My father did this to me he decided it was cheaper and easier for him for me to catch a coach to go and see him. The reason being that he and his wife didn't like leaving their babies dogs alone for the day. I hardly ever saw him as it was and then he wanted at my mums expense for me to catch the coach. I didn't want to catch the coach, I didn't feel I could tell him that so my mum said no. He stopped seeing me at all after that always some excuse and I then after a while stopped asking to see him. I'm pretty sure that was about the time I realised his new family just didn't have space for me. I only ever saw him twice after that.

It doesn't matter if other kids catch the bus, or if back in your day you caught the bus, or that hundreds of children use the tube alone that is completely and utterly irrelevant this child isn't going to be allowed to catch the bus, and the OP in this case wants this little girl to then not visit for the sake of £20 or for putting her kids in the car for an hour because of how important a family dinner is (it's two nights a month)

And people are defending this, heartbreaking for that little girl.

corythatwas · 01/10/2016 11:59

What you do need to realise, OP, is that this girl is your dp's child in exactly the same way as your younger dc are your children.

So if you expect him to accept the attitude of "if it's inconvenient or we can't afford it then I can't see her" about his daughter now, then you can't be surprised if he shows the same attitude towards the children you have together in a few years time. You're ok with that? You think that would be an acceptable attitude towards your 1yo once he's a few years older? Well, you won't be able to complain, because you are telling him that this is your idea of fatherhood.

SuperFlyHigh · 01/10/2016 12:09

I am wondering why the SD doesn't just travel into her DF and DSM's house on Saturday morning stay Saturday night and then get picked up etc by her mum on Sunday evening OR stay Sunday evening and make her own way to school on Monday morning.

This way would cancel out the darkness and cold in winter to a large extent and only 2 x a month. And OP could then do the family meals at a normal time etc.

Bet OP comes back to say "this timescale/weekend arrangement is NOT convenient for me!".

MNHQ
IonaMumsnet · 01/10/2016 12:29

Afternoon folks. We know the OP has asked if she and her partner are being unreasonable so presumably she wanted to hear opinions on both sides of the debate but we do think it's possible to offer opinions without being rude or personal. We're going to remove any PAs that are reported. Could we ask for a bit of peace and love, please? Thanks.