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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu? Well, are we being unreasonable?

280 replies

laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 21:32

My stepdaughter will be 13 in December, she regularly takes the bus from her home town to a large city some 20/30 miles away.

She visits every other weekend (commitments permitting) and meeting her mother halfway after work (half5) is costing a small fortune in fuel and with traffic getting worse is taking ages for them to get back here (don't get back till half 6/7pm) and I have 2 small children waiting for dinner and bed.

There is a bus that leaves Just after she leaves school and only takes an hour to reach our town where my partner would meet her, it works out cheaper and means no rush hour traffic so they are back by half 5 latest ( if traffic at complete standstill). She has done it this evening no problem at all. However her mother is saying that come winter she will have more to bring and coats etc and that it won't work...are we being unreasonable to say that she can leave clothes/pjs here and that she will be wearing her coat anyway so no reason it can't work?
Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

Please note: stepdaughter happy to catch bus, mother is the one making a big deal about it. Also my OH is having an op in November and won't be driving at all for at least 4 weeks, he can't even lift a kettle for 2 weeks post-op so won't be able to collect. (And before anyone says- no, I will not collect her halfway (only from the bus) I have two small children and will not drive them for nearly two hours unnecessarily)

OP posts:
shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 30/09/2016 21:56

YABVU

Your DH and SD getting home at 6:30/7 once a fortnight is hardly intolerable and incompatible with family life

Your DH can't afford the diesel? If your SD lives an hour away and her mother is prepared to drive her half way then your DH is only driving for am hour, that can't cost more than than a tenner in fuel surely? But you & your DH see potentially damaging his relationship with his daughter as the best way to save some money?

Starryeyed16 · 30/09/2016 21:57

What is with the attitude of some women who resent their step kids but happily have kids with their DP but hell bent on pushing their DP kid out and refusal to accomadate them! This is the second thread tonight. It's makes me worried for my poor DS.

catinbooots · 30/09/2016 21:57

Not my monkey, not my circus^

Poor kid. You sound vile.

bogginsthedog · 30/09/2016 21:58

I'm guessing the bus to school doesn't take an hour. That's a long bus journey.

Starryeyed16 · 30/09/2016 21:58

You owe to be ashamed about your attitude towards this girl wish people would think about the existing children before having their own it's as if they don't measure up.

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 21:58

She pays journey here, he pays back. It's the traffic that means it's nearly 2 hours sat in traffic burning fuel

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 21:58

'Come on a bus or don't come at all' is a horrible thing to say to a young girl Shock. I cannot believe you're even contemplating it! Don't get me wrong, I lived in a very rural area as a girl/teen, so many times I've had to get a bus 'in the dark'. At thirteen it should be manageable.

Sometimes though, it won't work. She might miss the bus, have too much to carry, be feeling under the weather. It would be awful for her to miss contact with her dad and (presumed) siblings because it's too much effort anymore to pick her up (dad's new family is more of a priority than her, that will go down well).

I agree with others - let her parents come to a compromise, but do not give the poor girl ultimatums unless you just want her to stop coming over at all.

1potato2potato3potato4 · 30/09/2016 21:59

Not my monkey, not my circus.

Really?? But, she's your step daughter, she might not be your monkey but I do think when you married her father she very much became part of your circus!

AGruffaloCrumble · 30/09/2016 21:59

Not my monkey, not my circus
My DD will end up with a step mum one day, and I really do think step mums get the raw end of the deal sometimes, especially on here but I desperately hope she doesn't end up with one like you.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 22:00

I wouldn't have been happy on a bus in winter at 13 in the dark but if she coped with it... Maybe

However when you said "not my monkey not my circus" that cemented it just right there how you feel about your SD.

Poor child.

1potato2potato3potato4 · 30/09/2016 22:00

CSA already kills us

Ahh, I see.

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 22:01

Just read the monkeys/circus line. Wow. Oh, how about one you get rid of one of your two cars, that will surely save you money! Take the bus, I hear it's easy enough...

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 22:01

My own stepmum was always very polite, kind, even offered to have me live with them, don't think she drove but always made my dad drive to get me from 13 onwards, but this was from tube station and during the day. I stayed over at nights.

Disgusting attitude you have there OP.

AGruffaloCrumble · 30/09/2016 22:02

Why did you decide to have two more kids when he was struggling to support the one he has already?

HeddaGarbled · 30/09/2016 22:02

csa already kills us

bingo Biscuit

Starryeyed16 · 30/09/2016 22:02

CSA killsHmm ,he's suppose to provide for her! You said you've got two cars get rid of one problem solved and save you some money a month 👍

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 22:03

I see you're not married... Well this will make it easier for your OH/DP to leave you down the line...

allegretto · 30/09/2016 22:03

I don't get why it's a problem being on the bus in the dark - buses have lights on! It's not a late bus.

Pollyanna9 · 30/09/2016 22:03

You lost me at "Not my monkey not my circus".

Vile.

Shameful.

Poor kid.

That's just the point though, she became 'your monkey' when you got with a guy who already had a child. If it wasn't in your heart to effectively become her mum and advocate whenever she is with you, then you should't have got with someone who already had a child.

AGruffaloCrumble · 30/09/2016 22:05

allegretto My worries would be more if Dad was running late or if she missed the bus and ended up waiting around alone in the dark. Buses are cold in winter too. I would have no issue with it anytime apart from in the dead of winter.

wheresthel1ght · 30/09/2016 22:05

Not my monkey not my circus

Wow. I am not even sure I can find the words to tell you how angry that has made me.

I may not love my step kids on the same way I love my own dd BUT I would move heaven and earth to make sure they are happy and secure. They are my family and were so before dd arrived. They have never been spoken of in the manner you speak about your step daughter.

And if half of what you say your DH says is true then the pair of you ought to be mortally ashamed of yourselves. Disgusting behaviour from both of you

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 22:05

allegretto all sorts of nut cases on the bus in the dark or at bus stops etc... Oxford school girl abduction anyone?! Fred West picked up one of his victims from a bus stop...

Hateloggingin · 30/09/2016 22:08

Why have 2 more dc if he can't even afford petrol for one journey every other weekend?? He must be pretty poor Hmm

When you say eow 'commitments allowing', whose commitments prevent it? Hers or yours?

Let's hope he never treats your dc like this eh?

Theimpossiblegirl · 30/09/2016 22:09

Not my monkey, not my circus
Fucking hell! Poor kid. This is the sibling of your children, no? I hope her dad makes more of an effort for his daughter, it sounds like she's being slowly pushed out to me. A 13 year old child is being told come on the bus or don't bother coming. I bet she's really feeling the love right now.

witsender · 30/09/2016 22:09

No-one is this dim, surely?