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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu? Well, are we being unreasonable?

280 replies

laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 21:32

My stepdaughter will be 13 in December, she regularly takes the bus from her home town to a large city some 20/30 miles away.

She visits every other weekend (commitments permitting) and meeting her mother halfway after work (half5) is costing a small fortune in fuel and with traffic getting worse is taking ages for them to get back here (don't get back till half 6/7pm) and I have 2 small children waiting for dinner and bed.

There is a bus that leaves Just after she leaves school and only takes an hour to reach our town where my partner would meet her, it works out cheaper and means no rush hour traffic so they are back by half 5 latest ( if traffic at complete standstill). She has done it this evening no problem at all. However her mother is saying that come winter she will have more to bring and coats etc and that it won't work...are we being unreasonable to say that she can leave clothes/pjs here and that she will be wearing her coat anyway so no reason it can't work?
Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

Please note: stepdaughter happy to catch bus, mother is the one making a big deal about it. Also my OH is having an op in November and won't be driving at all for at least 4 weeks, he can't even lift a kettle for 2 weeks post-op so won't be able to collect. (And before anyone says- no, I will not collect her halfway (only from the bus) I have two small children and will not drive them for nearly two hours unnecessarily)

OP posts:
Somerville · 30/09/2016 23:23

A girl in my city was abducted and raped this week so it's very much on my mind, SuperFlyHigh. We're all accompanying our daughters to and from school on police advice, unless they have a group they can travel in.
I say this because the mother of OP's step child might have read about it in the press this week and got nervous.

Also, when my DD was getting bus home, the one time I never let her was after staying late for a music lesson on a Friday. Some people go out straight after work so there are more young, drunk men around.

Whether the bus this 12 year old usually gets is a public bus or a school bus, she'll be getting it with horses of other kids from her school. But that is not so for a bus journey to a town an hour away.

JenLindleyShitMom · 30/09/2016 23:23

You need to change to a cheaper run car. £15 for a 2 hour drive???

KatieC0811 · 30/09/2016 23:23

Sally when I say late bus, I mean 4:30/5pm when in winter is getting dark, and most teachers stay at school until 5/6pm anyway. It was one of the support teachers, so not one who had any marking or lesson planning to do. And they didn't have to but they understood the circumstances and were happy to, it's 10 minutes out of their after-school chit chat...

katemess12 · 30/09/2016 23:24

It makes me cringe to think you'd actually put that ultimatum to her... Horrible.

If you can't afford the petrol, cut back on another expense (I am SURE you have non-necessity expenses in your life), so that you can afford it. She shouldn't be pushed to the side because you lot can't manage your finances properly.

Somerville · 30/09/2016 23:25

Hordes, not horses.

OP this is over £30 a month? Seriously?!

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 23:26

Probably not the best choice of words on my part (not ,y monkey...) however I can see I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. This is not set in stone and we are going to see how it goes. However during November it HAS to be the bus as post op he is not allowed to do much at all.

Should not have mentioned she is my step daughter as I have obviously rattled a hornets nest.

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 30/09/2016 23:27

Yes I'm sure you actually can find £15 a fortnight to cover this cost. It's £7.50 a week. If your car is so expensive to run then you'll save that easily by cutting out all unnecessary journeys.

ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 23:28

Chuck over and over again, you choose to ignore that this isn't just about the bus ride

I choose to argue that it is about a bus ride. One in a different direction to the bus ride she will be taking anyway.

I am not choosing to dissect the ins and outs of a person's whole attitude to their family based on one thread. I am also choosing to say it is disgusting that the OP is told to butt out, then when she says it is not her issue, she is filified for it.

Because that is what happened.

Mistletoekids · 30/09/2016 23:28

YABU
Did you not see the news from Oxford this week?

Somerville · 30/09/2016 23:28

It's not the fact that she's your step daughter. It's the dismissive way you've talked about her and your clear resentment that spending 4 days a month with her father costs you £30 more than it needs to. Confused

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 23:28

Ad because he is a man, he forgets everything! He is a typical male! That's why I have to remind him about everything! The same as I have to remind him when it's his dads birthday or mine or the youngest children's!

OP posts:
Starryeyed16 · 30/09/2016 23:28

Your telling me you cant spare 20-30 a month for his DD that's bollocks!

Mistletoekids · 30/09/2016 23:29

And get her some clothes to leave at yours. She's family not a visitor.

JenLindleyShitMom · 30/09/2016 23:29

Ad because he is a man, he forgets everything! He is a typical male!

Oh you absolute fool.

Somerville · 30/09/2016 23:29

Typical males don't forget to communicate with their children.

Just shit ones.

katemess12 · 30/09/2016 23:30

Because he's a man he forgets to talk to his daughter?

Well, I've heard it all now.

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 23:31

Ad because he is a man, he forgets everything! He is a typical male!

Oh, now this is just bollocks. I'm out.

Mistletoekids · 30/09/2016 23:31

Ps OF COURSE she would say she's happy to take the bus! She's 13 and wants to see her dad and you are making her feel like she has to choose between a bus and seeing him. Pick her up the poor mite

Gwenhwyfar · 30/09/2016 23:31

"Drama and hysterics Chuck do you not read the news and see how many children teen girls in particular are attacked, groomed etc every year?"

So, what are you going to do? Keep them in a cage until they're 18?

Brazenhussy0 · 30/09/2016 23:34

Oh ffs, this thread is so full of shit I’m choking on the stink.

Look OP, the only mistake you’ve made was posting here without being suitably apologetic enough for simply existing as a stepmother.
Of course it’s not ridiculous to insist your stepdaughter gets the bus.
She’s fine with it, it costs less money and less time, your DP won’t be able to drive for a while anyway (hence the comment ‘she either gets the bus or won’t be coming at all.’ right? It wasn’t a threat but a statement of fact. If your DP can’t drive and her mother won’t let her get the bus then she won’t be visiting.)

And you’re right, it’s not your monkey or circus to deal with – it’s your DP’s. No idea why everyone’s having a complete meltdown over you saying that. It’s the usual advice trotted out to stepmums here – ‘Don’t get involved. It’s none of your business.’
But as soon as you say the exact same thing in your own words, they all jump down your throat for it.

Anyway….
The mother is being overprotective on this one. I quite happily got the bus (90 minute journey) at least twice a day/evening when I was that age and I lived to tell the tale, as did many other kids.

SaoirseLikeInertia · 30/09/2016 23:35

Nothing about him or his parenting sounds "typical" if he is contemplating giving his 12 yr old an ultimatum and isn't interested enough in her to want to call her

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 23:36

Yes because he will think he has already rung when in fact that was the previous week, or because he tried but she was busy, money is not the only issue here, she will also get here over an hour earlier. We tried buying her clothes and she refused to wear them. But she is welcome to leave them here as I stated before...
He is asking her to get a bus, a rather busy bus, not bloody walk over nails for an hour! She would be getting a bus anyway! It will only really be dark when she gets this end and there will be someone there waiting.
Our cars are suited to where we live, so not the cheapest to run, nearly 20 yrs old and mean we can always get home no matter the weather.

OP posts:
pasanda · 30/09/2016 23:38

I really don't see the problem OP. Like you say. She will be getting on a bus from school directly to be picked up by your dh in his town of work.

And you say she is happy with the idea, especially in that she gets to arrive at your house earlier so has more time to spend there.

Seems a win-win situation to me. Confused

And I think the OP said the circus/monkey comment in response to pp's saying it wasn't her business and to leave it to the parents. i.e. not get involved. Perhaps not the best phrase to use (on MN anyway!) but surely you must know what she meant??

DiegeticMuch · 30/09/2016 23:38

What kind of man have you got yourself involved with?! Remember - if he moves on from you and impregnates someone else, your children will be the nuisance stepkids. Think about how that wild make you feel.

thisismeusernameything · 30/09/2016 23:38

However during November it HAS to be the bus as post op he is not allowed to do much at all.

No, you put your perfect children in the car and go and get her. Seriously, what is wrong with you? Regardless of whether she gets on the bus everyday or not is irrelavant.

When it comes to contact, he goes to pick her up. If he can't, you need to do it. I've done 400 mile round trips to pick mine up on my own.

Thanks though, you make me look like step mummy of the year.