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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu? Well, are we being unreasonable?

280 replies

laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 21:32

My stepdaughter will be 13 in December, she regularly takes the bus from her home town to a large city some 20/30 miles away.

She visits every other weekend (commitments permitting) and meeting her mother halfway after work (half5) is costing a small fortune in fuel and with traffic getting worse is taking ages for them to get back here (don't get back till half 6/7pm) and I have 2 small children waiting for dinner and bed.

There is a bus that leaves Just after she leaves school and only takes an hour to reach our town where my partner would meet her, it works out cheaper and means no rush hour traffic so they are back by half 5 latest ( if traffic at complete standstill). She has done it this evening no problem at all. However her mother is saying that come winter she will have more to bring and coats etc and that it won't work...are we being unreasonable to say that she can leave clothes/pjs here and that she will be wearing her coat anyway so no reason it can't work?
Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

Please note: stepdaughter happy to catch bus, mother is the one making a big deal about it. Also my OH is having an op in November and won't be driving at all for at least 4 weeks, he can't even lift a kettle for 2 weeks post-op so won't be able to collect. (And before anyone says- no, I will not collect her halfway (only from the bus) I have two small children and will not drive them for nearly two hours unnecessarily)

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 30/09/2016 23:39

Oh. Sounds like the type of cars that have expensive tyres.

Mycraneisfixed · 30/09/2016 23:39

A 13yo doesn't get to decide whether or not she gets a bus for a longish journey alone in the dark. That's what parents are for.
When your own DC are 13 you'll cringe at what you've posted on here.

MargaretRiver · 30/09/2016 23:39

I don't think my idea would necessarily take up much extra time
Surely at least once a fortnight you would take the little DCs out somewhere for the afternoon, pack a picnic or whatever?
If you don't, it would hardly be worth you running/taxing /insuring a second car.
Just for the worst of the winter months, maybe
And the extra £6+ per month, perhaps £20 per year, could be shaved of the budget for her birthday/Christmas / Easter gifts if you are really that hard up

PickachuPurrlease · 30/09/2016 23:40

Its the ultmatium OP that got people's back up not the fact your stepmum

LiquidCosh · 30/09/2016 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pasanda · 30/09/2016 23:45

Yeah, it would be really fun to take a 1 and 3 year old for a picnic in the park in the middle of December would't it!! Hmm

ffs

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 23:47

No I will not take my children unnecessarily in a car for that amount of time...thought I shouldn't get involved? Surely that means not being involved at all?!
And yes I do have other things I do on Fridays and no they can not be re arranged (nor are they anyone's business). It's a bus through a pretty well to do part of the country not a donkey ride through a war zone.
Yes expensive tyres but luckily not needed that often, unfortunate but necessary or we would get stranded then we couldn't even get her from the bus...oh the irony.

OP posts:
Phalenopsisgirl · 30/09/2016 23:48

Yet more mn charmers on here tonight...'not my monkey' I took as a figure of speech. ''Op used a saying we aren't familiar with, let's hunt her with our pitch forks'' ffs!
Op - I think the ex is just trying to be a bit difficult. Dsd is happy taking the bus, she will be on the bus at a time when lots of other kids will be coming home of an evening IE we aren't talking 11pm, she will probably enjoy feeling a bit grown up. It seems a no brainer to me. She can manage a small overnight bag AND her coat. The way people are talking is like she is some little primary schooler taking the bus half way across the country! My mum left school and entered employment at 14, she also had to take the bus....with her coat on....it's a wonder how previous generations managed.

SaoirseLikeInertia · 30/09/2016 23:48

In 10/12 years time if one of your kids wanted to get a bus, and their dad thought it was an ace idea as it saved him on petrol/time, but you didn't like it for whatever reason... I'd hazard a guess that you'd be putting your foot down and telling their da to jog on

PickachuPurrlease · 30/09/2016 23:49

I agree it wouldn't be much fun to take a 1 & 3 year old to the park

But it's really not acceptable to say catch the bus to a 12 year old or your can't come and visit.

If the only time the father in all this can't drive, is the month of November I really can't see the issue of bundling the OP's kids in a car twice to pick up a 12 year old.

Baylisiana · 30/09/2016 23:50

Wow. I would not be happy for a 12 year old girl to be getting buses alone, I appreciate people have different views on that and also that it is not the key point here since her mother and father both seem ok with it. I think it is wrong. The school bus or going with a group of friends on the bus is different. Waiting a at bus stop alone when frankly it will be getting dark and you are a 12 or 13 year old girl, well, it sounds risky and unpleasant from what I remember of being that age.

Putting that aside, as I know many here are happy with that kind of thing, there are other problems. Do not assume that because your step daughter says she is happy to do things, she really is. She may well be behaving in an accommodating and agreeable way precisely because she is insecure about her position in the family or about her father's affections. Rightly so, since he thinks he has rung her and doesn't realise that was last week! Most fathers I know would be missing their daughters constantly if they had to live apart, not failing to notice a week going by. Not to mention the clear signal that other financial outlays and other children come above her on the list of priorities. If I had even vaguely sensed that it was 'come by bus or not at all' I would have been very hurt and scared and might also have pretended it was ok. Or maybe said ok, not at all.

It sounds like none of the adults involved will step,up, so it is pointless commenting really. Just do not kid yourselves that you are being fair. You could find ways round this but you won't.

Incidentally, you would never under any circumstances be sat in traffic, as I assume you know. You cannot be sat.

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 23:52

The ultimatum is that he physically will not be able to drive! (For a while he can't do anything but walk to the bathroom).
And what I do with my children is irrelevant. i can assure you my stepdaughter has many treats etc as well. They are treated as equally as age gap allows

OP posts:
thisismeusernameything · 30/09/2016 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Baylisiana · 30/09/2016 23:54

If money is really a factor, why even mention the inconvenience of bundling your children into the car for the drive? It is irrelevant if you could not afford to go anyway.

Brazenhussy0 · 30/09/2016 23:56

thisismeusernameything - What the hell is wrong with you?

Op, ignore the completely batshit insults being slung at you... Wine

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 23:57

It's a bus through a pretty well to do part of the country not a donkey ride through a war zone.

I'll bite, one last time. Living in a 'pretty well to do' place didn't stop a guy trying to get me into his car from a bus stop, aged 13. If it hadn't been light and a few cars going by I still wonder what would have happened. Obviously, it isn't likely to happen to your step daughter, but it isn't impossible. These things do happen, and sadly they are most likely to happen to young girls. It should always be on your mind when making such decisions.

thisismeusernameything · 30/09/2016 23:57

Oh and two 4x4s. Really? I live in the absoloute arse end of nowhere. If I didn't have a car, I'd be screwed. We have one land rover and one normal car.

Unless you live up a mountain, you do not need two 4 wheel drive vehicles. If I ever get stuck (never happened and we never see a snow plow here) I would be pulled out by DH.

Get a better MPG car and then your DP may be able to spare a few pennies to pick his DD up.

MargaretRiver · 30/09/2016 23:58

Poor little 12 year old stepdaughter
Her father and you need to give her time and love
Not "treats"

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 23:59

My "deadbeat" partner is actually a very good hardworking father hoping that this makes everyone's life easier...when mine are older and if they need to take the bus they will...he and I did and didn't kill us...danger? Yes there is but there is danger just stepping out the door every morning so what's the difference?

OP posts:
thisismeusernameything · 01/10/2016 00:01

My problem brazen is that she is not prepared to put HER children in a nice warm car for a few hours for a drive that she deem unnecessary but is prepared to let her step daughter get on the bus.

She says the children aren't treated differently. Utter bollocks.

EdmundCleverClogs · 01/10/2016 00:05

Yes there is but there is danger just stepping out the door every morning so what's the difference?

Seriously? No, I'm just giving up here. You're either that deluded or you're on a wind up. I'm not giving any more time to this. In future, don't bother asking for opinions when all you want is for people to agree with you.

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 01/10/2016 00:05

She will be getting the bus from the main bus station in her school town, to the local supermarket in our town where an adult will be waiting for her.
And I am..I am quite secure in the knowledge that I am a good stepmother and mother and that my partner is a good father just a bit of an airhead and that we have what we need. My car(my Landrover is mine) is financed by my money and his by his...mine is needed to get everyone in...we did have an estate but he had an accident on the way to collect his daughter cause he was bloody exhausted and totalled it...so yes two Landrovers...rant away.

OP posts:
Somerville · 01/10/2016 00:06

I'm not interested in your AIBU any more. You asked if you were, almost everyone said yes, and now you're telling us why we're all wrong. Yet very point you make only makes you or your husband look like even bigger twats.

Your poor step daughter.

Phalenopsisgirl · 01/10/2016 00:07

Amen to that brazenhussy......I'm struggling with how many people feel that a teenage girl can't take public transport for an hours journey. My ds ( also will be 13)starts school in a city an hour from here soon, at peak times it would take me over 2 hours to go and collect him. He'll be getting the train, on his own, not because I don't love him or that I can't afford fuel but because it would be rediculous for him not to, he can get himself to other side of the world even now, so he can definitely manage a train ride. I think people should read Richard Branson's autobiography, he talks about how his mum instilled self sufficiency and problem solving in them as kids by getting to them find their own way home at a much younger age than 13, he seems to have done ok.

SaoirseLikeInertia · 01/10/2016 00:08

If you, as the parent, decided the bus wasn't safe for whatever reason, I don't think you would let your 12 yr old have the final say.

Anyway, maybe her mum is being totally unreasonable - it doesn't really matter. If her dad wants to see her, he will have to go and get her. If he's not well enough after his op, I can't see one good reason why you can't put you and your kids out of routine 2/3/4/however many times to get her.
Your posts stink of your kids being more important than your stepdaughter. There shouldn't be any difference