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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu? Well, are we being unreasonable?

280 replies

laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 21:32

My stepdaughter will be 13 in December, she regularly takes the bus from her home town to a large city some 20/30 miles away.

She visits every other weekend (commitments permitting) and meeting her mother halfway after work (half5) is costing a small fortune in fuel and with traffic getting worse is taking ages for them to get back here (don't get back till half 6/7pm) and I have 2 small children waiting for dinner and bed.

There is a bus that leaves Just after she leaves school and only takes an hour to reach our town where my partner would meet her, it works out cheaper and means no rush hour traffic so they are back by half 5 latest ( if traffic at complete standstill). She has done it this evening no problem at all. However her mother is saying that come winter she will have more to bring and coats etc and that it won't work...are we being unreasonable to say that she can leave clothes/pjs here and that she will be wearing her coat anyway so no reason it can't work?
Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

Please note: stepdaughter happy to catch bus, mother is the one making a big deal about it. Also my OH is having an op in November and won't be driving at all for at least 4 weeks, he can't even lift a kettle for 2 weeks post-op so won't be able to collect. (And before anyone says- no, I will not collect her halfway (only from the bus) I have two small children and will not drive them for nearly two hours unnecessarily)

OP posts:
thisismeusernameything · 30/09/2016 22:48

Honestly OP, Karma is an utter bitch. It hits you in the face 10 fold when you least expect it. You are treating your stepdaughter terribly. You won't take your precious children backwards and forward in a warm car but you are happy for that poor little girl to get on the bus for an hour.

Honestly, being a step parent sucks. There were days when I wished my stepdd didn't exist. It would have made life much easier but there isn't a day that I would ever make her get on a bus to come here and she's 24.

You need to be there for all of your kids. She's yours whether you like it or not and you should have really thought about that before you got involved with a man with another kid.

Honestly, your attitude is terrible and needs a rethink before she's old enough to realise that you don't want her around.

ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 22:48

Ok, but what about the other scenarios I mentioned? If she misses the bus for example? Should she just keep waiting for buses until she catches a cold? What if she's already not feeling great, you'd have her waiting around making herself more ill because her dad can't afford all the kids he decided to have?

Same as if she misses a school bus and isn't feeling great. Same as millions of other teenagers who might miss a bus and not feel great.

Chuck you sound just as bad as the OP in your attitudes to step parenting

You mean in thinking a teenager might be able to get on a bus. Goodness me, what a bitch.

Will she just have to wait alone as it gets colder and darker, alone, until the next one? What like - erm - other teenagers do?

What will happen if she stays at school later, for rehearsals for the school show, misses the normal bus? Get a later bus? Perchance?

What if it's peeing down with rain, or there's snow and it's freezing while she waits for the bus? Put a coat on, stand under a shelter, put an umbrella up. How does the rest of the population manage, poor sods?

How often do they run, anyway? Most buses do run more than once a day! Good grief.

It is just so fucking bizarre. First it is none of her business then she is a bitch for letting her husband sort it out with the mother and she needs to step up. She can't do both. Either it is her business or it isn't.

And teenagers who get buses in one direction can also get buses in another direction. It is not the end of the world [except on here of course].

AyeAmarok · 30/09/2016 22:48

But children don't always understand safety. That's why their parents have to keep them safe.

She may think the bus, for an hour, in the dark, all alone is safe. But she's 12. She has no idea of the dangers that are out there.

ItWentInMyEye · 30/09/2016 22:49

I Feel for the girl. Maybe mum is being difficult and not allowing her to get the bus, but equally dad is being difficult saying he won't pay the diesel. She's stuck in the middle of this. Ask her dad to cut down on a few car trips between seeing her so he uses less diesel? There must be a few cut backs he can make to make up the difference.

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 22:49

Ultimatum would be for mother not the daughter!

How the hell did you come to that conclusion?? It's not her mother coming to bloody visit, it's not her that gets 'punished' by not agreeing to it! Your partner has a responsibility for his daughter, her mum just wants to make sure her daughter gets from A to B as safely as possible. Considering all the horrible things that have happened to young girls recently, I can't say I blame her (and as I said, I was very used to catching buses young than her).

ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 22:50

Sounds as if you and Chuck are one and the same as you're both equally vociferous in how safe a long journey in winter is, involving missing buses, dodgy people at bus stops etc... Some care for a not yet teenage girl!

Oh give it a rest! News alert - more than one person is able to see that a teenager catching a bus in an opposite direction is not a good reason to call social services.

Foldeemort · 30/09/2016 22:50

Crying with laughter emoticon - really? Confused

Just because a 13 year old shrugs and says it's fine doesn't mean it is - would you apply that to everything?

And just because it's her dad who's suggested the idea doesn't make it right either. Lots of parents have rubbish ideas sometimes, and the other parent has a right to call them on it, especially when safety issues come up.

(Loving your repeated remarks about her "difficult" mum by the way - it's coming across as very mature.)

ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 22:50

She may think the bus, for an hour, in the dark, all alone is safe. But she's 12. She has no idea of the dangers that are out there

Then call social services as she does it every day to get to and from school.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 22:51

Chuck here, I nominate you for wicked stepmother of the year award.

Biscuit or should that be a chip, to go on your shoulder?

PickachuPurrlease · 30/09/2016 22:51

Are you really 100% sure that little girl is happy to do it when it is cold, wet and dark? Ok she is happy to do it now, so it's not a problem but come November?

Because you only see her once a fortnight and maybe she doesn't feel she can tell you she doesn't really want to do it. I think it often falls on the RP to say something that is on the child's mind.

I really wouldn't want to do it and I'm nearly 40, this is a 12 year old child would you really hand on heart want to do it? Would you want your DC to do it?

it really can't cost that much in petrol to travel that distance once a fortnight.

Starryeyed16 · 30/09/2016 22:52

Of course op will likely have Sky the latest smart fone, can run two cars, tax,not insurance on two cars but can't afford petrol once a fortnight for half a journey to get his DD. I think op doesn't like the fact her oh is out from the house for a couple of hours getting his DD and she's at home with the two youngest.

ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 22:52

Chuck here, I nominate you for wicked stepmother of the year award.

By all means nominate me for the 'able to see a teenager get a different bus' award. Because that is all that has happened here. If you cut through the drama and hysterics.

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 22:53

Well as I said we wanted some varied opinions, we will give it a try and see how it goes before making a permanent decision. I have stated before why we have two cars as nearest bus is in the town ten miles away where dh works.
The financial hit we have taken is the rare condition my three year old has that requires frequent visits to hospital and specialised ointments etc.

no chuck and I are not the same person but I am grateful at least on person actually read my posts...I am a step mother but far from a nasty one..this was his idea not mine. So his decision. He wanted an opinion and we have decided to see how it plays out

OP posts:
ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 22:54

Are you really 100% sure that little girl is happy to do it when it is cold, wet and dark? Ok she is happy to do it now, so it's not a problem but come November?

She is not 3! She is 13.

I really wouldn't want to do it and I'm nearly 40 What - catch a bus? Are you royalty?

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 22:54

This is a really disturbing and disgusting thread.

My own mum had an evil stepmother who threw a sofa over the banisters at her in their flat.... She moved to live with her mum soon after at 13. Their relationship strangely got better as the years went on.

I'm going to bow out I think, too much vitriol out there!

ThatStewie · 30/09/2016 22:54

Children often agree to things they are uncomfortable with to placate the non-resident parent. I've played the 'bad guy' many a time to prevent my child getting flack.

At 13, she will know how she fits into the family hierarchy. If your husband wants to have a healthy relationship with his child that continues into adulthood, then he needs to make sacrifices now. Otherwise he will find himself a spectator on the sidelines of his daughter's life and no ability to connect with her.

user1473454752 · 30/09/2016 22:56

You are being mean to say you come on the bus or not at all, if you want clothes at your house for her then buy them and keep them there xx

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 22:56

Same as if she misses a school bus and isn't feeling great. Same as millions of other teenagers who might miss a bus and not feel great

At that point most kind parents would pick their children up Hmm. You know that though, you're just being deliberately argumentative. You fail to see that, even though the girl could catch the bus and possibly will most of the time, her dad has a responsibility to make sure she gets to his house one way or another, with her welfare wholly in mind.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 22:56

Drama and hysterics Chuck do you not read the news and see how many children teen girls in particular are attacked, groomed etc every year?

No didn't think so.

OP you sound a bit more measured now and it's given you food for thought at least.

Memoires · 30/09/2016 22:57

Chuck, where I live there is a bus to a village about 15 miles away which run once a day. If you wanted to get to that village from here, you would catch the bus at noon on Monday and get the bus back on Tuesday at 9.30am. The bus which runs to our nearest city, about 20 miles away, every 3 hours, so if you miss the one at 4 you will have to wait until 7.

I wouldn't subject a 17 yo to our public transport system. Many of the 17 yos round here have mopeds as otherwise they simply could barely socialise at all.

OP, why is the bus not stuck in traffic, taking two hours, like your dh is?

PickachuPurrlease · 30/09/2016 22:57

Chuck firstly the child is 12 not 13

And I am of course not royalty but if I had a choice between someone coming to collect me to take me home or stand at a bus stop on a cold dark November evening with bags to then sit on a bus for an hour no I bloody wouldn't prefer to do this.

StarryIllusion · 30/09/2016 22:57

FFS she is a teenager not a 10 year old. I was in and out of London on tubes by myself at 14 and often in the dark. As long as you are sensible and stay in well lit and well populated areas the chances of being abducted are pretty low. No wonder so many kids are growing up so entitled and spoilt if all parents are this hysterical about a teenager sitting on a bus for an hour with an adult meeting her at the other end.

ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 22:58

This is a really disturbing and disgusting thread.

It really is - the poor OP is being hanged for thinking a teenager can get a bus in a different direction. It is hardly the same as throwing a sofa over a bannister [so why mention it?].

Starryeyed16 · 30/09/2016 22:59

Jesus op make some sacfrices in the budget don't get any many treats, knock the sky on the head. Sorry to hear about DD my DS has problems with his spine but your DD needs don't triumph a girls need to have contact with her DF once a fortnight. You can find the diesal money just budget it you've only got to put money aside twice a month there is no excuse!

ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 23:00

Drama and hysterics Chuck do you not read the news and see how many children teen girls in particular are attacked, groomed etc every year?

Yes. but the person in question is already getting a bus! She is just being asked to get one to a different location.

Any opportunity to bitch about step mothers on here and they all pile in. It really is vile behaviour.