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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu? Well, are we being unreasonable?

280 replies

laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 21:32

My stepdaughter will be 13 in December, she regularly takes the bus from her home town to a large city some 20/30 miles away.

She visits every other weekend (commitments permitting) and meeting her mother halfway after work (half5) is costing a small fortune in fuel and with traffic getting worse is taking ages for them to get back here (don't get back till half 6/7pm) and I have 2 small children waiting for dinner and bed.

There is a bus that leaves Just after she leaves school and only takes an hour to reach our town where my partner would meet her, it works out cheaper and means no rush hour traffic so they are back by half 5 latest ( if traffic at complete standstill). She has done it this evening no problem at all. However her mother is saying that come winter she will have more to bring and coats etc and that it won't work...are we being unreasonable to say that she can leave clothes/pjs here and that she will be wearing her coat anyway so no reason it can't work?
Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

Please note: stepdaughter happy to catch bus, mother is the one making a big deal about it. Also my OH is having an op in November and won't be driving at all for at least 4 weeks, he can't even lift a kettle for 2 weeks post-op so won't be able to collect. (And before anyone says- no, I will not collect her halfway (only from the bus) I have two small children and will not drive them for nearly two hours unnecessarily)

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 23:00

Are you royalty? no but obviously the OP is as she need a car Hmm.

If the nearest bus stop is 10miles away, don't you still need to drive to pick her up?

Starrystarrynight456 · 30/09/2016 23:02

I'm finding it hard to believe money is so tight you can't afford £10-20 petrol once a fortnight when you also run 2 cars and chose to extend your family fairly recently.

If you're that hard up you need to make some changes because a Father unable to pick his daughter up once a fortnight when he only sees her 2/14 of the time isn't really acceptable. If you can't make cut backs then maybe one of you needs to increase your hours.....at minimum wage you'd need to work about 6 more hours a month between you to cover the petrol at most.

She may not be your child but you're part of the reason (the decisions you made together) why he's struggling to afford seeing her. I mean seriously he's left the majority of parenting to the mum you're so quick to criticise, surely picking her up is the least he can do....ffs the mum is coming half way.

I'm sorry but the two of you sound so utterly self absorbed, heaven forbid your step daughter causes your own children to miss dinner with their father once a fortnight or have to wait till 7pm.

ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 23:02

If the nearest bus stop is 10miles away, don't you still need to drive to pick her up?

nearest bus is in the town ten miles away where dh works

Reading the words sometimes really helps.

classof2017 · 30/09/2016 23:03

If she were your own child would you have these same expectations?

I would look at it from her mum's perspective because I think you are treating her like an outsider and not family.

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 23:03

ChuckBiscuits, you do know there's a difference between a school bus and other buses, right? And I believe the anger towards the op has been her attitude in general, the fact she seems cross that her partner's daughter dare 'cost' them anything on top of the csa that is 'killing them'.

PickachuPurrlease · 30/09/2016 23:06

Chuck

you don't know the circumstances of how this little girl is catching the bus on her other regular trips.

The fact is her RP doesn't think it is a good idea in November when the NRP has a car and could once a fortnight pick up his daughter so she can spend time with him.

I'm a stepmum and I think the OP has an appalling attitude towards her stepchild, and quite a few other stepmums have also said they think it is an appalling attitude.

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 23:07

Not being an argumentative dick for the sake of it helps as well.

The fact is, I bet anything that in 10 years time the OPs children will not be expected to just 'catch a bus'.

stitchglitched · 30/09/2016 23:08

Her Dad doesn't want to make half a journey every two weeks to collect his child. He wants his 12 year old to make all of the effort to facilitate their relationship. I can see why her Mum doesn't agree and I imagine before too long the child may not want to bother doing that journey in the dark and the cold. So contact will drop and it will be framed as her fault for refusing to come. Nice.

Somerville · 30/09/2016 23:09

OP your husband shouldn't have had more children if he couldn't affford to see the child he already had.

And of course her mother doesn't want her getting the bus in the dark in the winter!

When he has his op her father can take the bus to pick her up. It'll give them more time together.

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 23:09

P.s. on a normal weekend (before the bus). She would leave school and get the BUS home to wait for her mother to collect her to drive halfway to here sooo instead we are asking her to catch a bus straight to the town her father works in and be collected there!

OP posts:
PickachuPurrlease · 30/09/2016 23:10

its £10-£20 at the end of the day, and if it's a choice between buying that child presents or making sure they can get home safe and sound then I know what I would choose.

But what really is the crux of this is that rather than collecting this girl in a car the OP and her partner, from what she has said would prefer to say no she can't come and stay. That is what is appalling.

ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 23:10

Chuck

you don't know the circumstances of how this little girl is catching the bus on her other regular trips

Neither. Do. You.

Not being an argumentative dick for the sake of it helps as well.

So, having an opinion that goes against the vitriol that mumsnet throws consistently against stepmothers is being an argumentative dick now?

Would you care to pop me over the rules of what i can and cannot argue for as I must have missed that memo? I also missed the memo that noted you get to decide what people argue for or against. So sorry for having an opinion that a teenager cannot get a bus in a different direction. Which she managed perfectly well doing today.

KatieC0811 · 30/09/2016 23:11

YANBU!! Not sure why everyone is jumping down your throat OP, must be the whole 'stepmum thing'...
I got the bus to and from school from day 1 of year seven, including after -detention clubs both summer and winter until the day I left at the end of year 11. It was about 15 minutes between my school and my town, so not as long as your stepdaughter's journey, however getting the bus every day for 5 years makes you accustomed to getting the bus anywhere! DP and I sat on a coach for 7 hours a few weeks ago and he hated it as he never really had to go anywhere by bus however I found it fine!
And 13 really isn't that young... surely she knows all the 'stranger danger' stuff? If she feels happy to do it then I'm not sure why her mum is having such a problem with it.
If she does have to leave school particularly late she/her mum can request that a teacher accompany her to the bus stop and wait with her until she gets on the bus. Not even engage with her, just literally be there to ensure that no harm comes to her, this is something my mum requested for me at about 14 when I was getting a later bus home in the winter, as there had been alerts of a pervert/predator about the area, and the school were more than happy to do it.
Hope you sort this problem OP as it would be awful for your DP to miss out on time with his daughter Cake

MargaretRiver · 30/09/2016 23:13

The reason she arrives so late is that SDs Mum can't drive her half the way until after the Mum finishes work, when the traffic is bad

My suggestion is that OP and the little DCs drive over to SDs town earlier in the day and spend some time at whatever parks/ library/ activities that town has to offer
Then pick SD up from school as soon as it finishes (3.30 pm?) and drive straight home before the traffic builds up

Home by 4.3O ish to play with her young siblings for a few hours before their bedtime

Same amount of petrol as the family are spending on driving half way but taking twice as long in traffic, win/win for SD and DCs, everyone can eat together when DH home from work!

Somerville · 30/09/2016 23:14

Yes just teach her the stranger danger stuff and she'll be fine on a public bus in the dark. Hmm

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 23:14

Katie the OP covered herself in glory when she said "not her circus not her monkeys" and objected about the CSA costs as well as other points...

Fantastic attitude towards her DSD.

KatieC0811 · 30/09/2016 23:15

Edmund who said she was on a school bus? She gets the bus to and from school, doesn't make it a school bus. I don't actually know any schools that have dedicated buses, just the local service that makes a special slot to pick up the school kids, anyone else can still get on...

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 23:16

Somerville totally with you re stranger danger etc...

She is also 12 right now not 13.

Good god if I thought back to what I was like at that age the mind boggles.

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 23:17

Oh and she would catch the 3.50 bus and gets in at 4.50. So even in winter it's not particularly dark or late. All in well lit areas with lots of officials and dad or I will be at this end before the bus arrives (and in case of emergency we have others on standby) when she has trips or rehearsals she doesn't come that weekend anyway, we swap it to the next one..

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 30/09/2016 23:19

Can't see any of the teachers at my DC's school being especially thrilled to hear that on top of everything else they do, they must now accompany teens to the bus stop and wait with them for a late bus. The OP is not being unreasonable in hoping it could be a solution, but wd be massively unreasonable to issue an ultimatum. That poor girl will never, ever forget it if she hears about it.

Jellybean83 · 30/09/2016 23:19

YANBU, I'm not too sure why you're getting such a hard time, I guess people just see 'step mum' and it makes them foam at the mouth!

Try it out for a few weeks and see how it goes, then sit down as a family, evaluate the situation and if everyone is happy and it's all going to plan then I see no reason not to continue. Obviously only if mum is on board as well, everyone has to be in agreement.

KatieC0811 · 30/09/2016 23:20

OP perfectly explained her use of not my circus not my monkey, yes it may have been a bit of a bad choice of words, but she wasn't overstepping the mark.
Regarding getting the bus in the dark, don't you think predators prey in the daylight too? A boy I knew got approached by 'one of those men' on his way to school...Surely if she's not safe to get the bus in the dark she's not safe to get the bus at all?

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 23:20

Chuck over and over again, you choose to ignore that this isn't just about the bus ride, this is about the whole dismissive attitude and the fact the daughter just has to deal. The fact that they want to give an 'ultimatum' in terms of how she visits should be a big flag! Talking about paying for the girl is a pain, that it disturbs the routine of the other children, all these little details makes it sound like the older girl's rare visits are just a pain and inconvenience. It's not about 'hating step parents', it's just this particular situation does not paint her or her partner in a good light at all. There doesn't seems to be any conceding on her part either- a typical 'I don't think we're being unreasonable so will keep arguing my same point over and over'. It should be about compromise, there's no evidence of that being an option here.

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 23:20

And no, I do not have the time to drive there and spend the day and I do not have the fuel to do so either..the bus will cost 14 a month as opposed to 10-15 each time. And also it means she gets here earlier as well, which she has already stated she likes...

OP posts:
Discobabe · 30/09/2016 23:22

Lots of schools have dedicated buses. We live 3 miles away and have a dedicated bus (two actually) as do all the other surrounding villages.

I'm yet to find a school where teachers offer free babysitting services at bus stops though.

Margarets idea is a fab one!

Still wondering why op has to facilitate the contact between her dh and dsd during the week though Hmm