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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu? Well, are we being unreasonable?

280 replies

laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 21:32

My stepdaughter will be 13 in December, she regularly takes the bus from her home town to a large city some 20/30 miles away.

She visits every other weekend (commitments permitting) and meeting her mother halfway after work (half5) is costing a small fortune in fuel and with traffic getting worse is taking ages for them to get back here (don't get back till half 6/7pm) and I have 2 small children waiting for dinner and bed.

There is a bus that leaves Just after she leaves school and only takes an hour to reach our town where my partner would meet her, it works out cheaper and means no rush hour traffic so they are back by half 5 latest ( if traffic at complete standstill). She has done it this evening no problem at all. However her mother is saying that come winter she will have more to bring and coats etc and that it won't work...are we being unreasonable to say that she can leave clothes/pjs here and that she will be wearing her coat anyway so no reason it can't work?
Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

Please note: stepdaughter happy to catch bus, mother is the one making a big deal about it. Also my OH is having an op in November and won't be driving at all for at least 4 weeks, he can't even lift a kettle for 2 weeks post-op so won't be able to collect. (And before anyone says- no, I will not collect her halfway (only from the bus) I have two small children and will not drive them for nearly two hours unnecessarily)

OP posts:
alreadytaken · 30/09/2016 22:29

Would you let your own child take a bus in this situation? Sounds like you are using your husband's op as an excuse when your concern is just the cost. You chose to have two more children so it is your monkeys and your circus causing the problem.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 30/09/2016 22:29

Whether or not she would be happy and safe catching the bus is not really the point though is it

The point is that you and her Dad think that giving her an ultimatum which could potentially destroy her relationship with you both is a reasonable reaction to being faced with a minor (but potentially avoidable) inconvenience and extra expense once a fortnight

ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 22:30

chuck it's dark, cold, waiting at bus stops aspect in Winter FFS

Yes - and she would be taking the bus home anyway.

I have got buses in the cold and dark, as a teenager you know! Many of us have. We did not melt.

PickachuPurrlease · 30/09/2016 22:32

I think the reason people have, rightly IMO jumped on you is that you talked about stopping contact and then said not my monkey not my circus

I'm the first to defend stepmums and this just comes across as incredibly cold. Then you mentioned money and you were never going to win.

You are VVVUR to want to stop contact, there is a child at the centre of all of this and she needs to feel loved and wanted in your home. It's really that simple

Starryeyed16 · 30/09/2016 22:34

Chuck this girl isn't even 13 she is 12 turning 13 in December a lot of girls are immature at that age. An hour trip on a bus is far too long to another town. It's obvious op sees the girl as a nuisance and isn't as important as her two precious children

Foldeemort · 30/09/2016 22:35

Well ok - you absolutely can't afford the petrol. Given that the bus is so cheap, why doesn't your dh get it out there to meet her, and then travel back safely with her? Especially over the winter. Gives them some bonding time and let's her know he values her too.

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 22:35

I have got buses in the cold and dark, as a teenager you know! Many of us have. We did not melt

Ok, but what about the other scenarios I mentioned? If she misses the bus for example? Should she just keep waiting for buses until she catches a cold? What if she's already not feeling great, you'd have her waiting around making herself more ill because her dad can't afford all the kids he decided to have?

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 22:36

Our financial situation has changed in the past year, we have to have two cars as I stated before we would be collecting her by car from nearest town where he works.
Bus does not come to our village, we have all attended family events together and he has collected her every other weekend for the past 4 years we have been together, so no it doesn't bother me.

again-CATCHING THE BUS WAS HIS IDEA! Maybe read it?

I have an account so I posted as easier and simpler...you know..while he says goodnight to his 13 year old who quite happily caught the bus 😂

And she has a locker she says is big enough to fit her bag and coat in.
As I said before, dads idea, she is happy to do it, mother is the one being difficult, she takes a bus daily anyway.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 22:38

Chuck you sound just as bad as the OP in your attitudes to step parenting.

Memoires · 30/09/2016 22:38

What contingency plans will be in place if the bus is delayed or cancelled? Will she just have to wait alone as it gets colder and darker, alone, until the next one?
What will happen if she stays at school later, for rehearsals for the school show, misses the normal bus?
What if it's peeing down with rain, or there's snow and it's freezing while she waits for the bus?
How often do they run, anyway?

While I think it's OK for her to catch the bus when it's daylight, and not cold or wet, I do think it will be absolutely miserable for her when the weather gets bad. Sitting alone, soaking wet and cold, for an hour on a bus in the dark would put the kibosh on my wanting to do it week and after week.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 30/09/2016 22:38

Just to add as well (this thread has really pissed me off!), I assume when she gets the bus to school and into the city she is not alone but with her friends.

I am fine with my DD13 getting the bus to school and into town with her friends on a weekend but I wouldn't be happy with her getting a bus alone in the dark

AyeAmarok · 30/09/2016 22:39

Yes he could get the bus there and then back with her. That's an option.

Only1scoop · 30/09/2016 22:40

If she doesn't get the bus she doesn't come?Sad
Maybe if you split one day the same may be said about your DC....

NotAnotherUserName1234 · 30/09/2016 22:41

OP you are missing the point - but you think everyone else is.

fuzzyllama · 30/09/2016 22:42

Perhaps you would be better off discussing this on another platform.

www.itv.com/jeremykyle/be-a-guest

HobnailsandTaffeta · 30/09/2016 22:43

I'm just assuming OP doesn't have sky, broadband, a shiny smartphone? Doesn't have her nails done, haircut, he doesn't go to the barbers, smoke, drink anything but plain water, shops at Aldi, charity shops new clothes, doesn't go for meals out or get takeaways, don't have any pets, don't go to the pub or shopping for fun?

Because I would let go of every single one of those things to scrape a tenner a fortnight to see my kid.

The point is OP that while the bus may be reasonable, you may feel it's safe and convenient. Her and her mother DO NOT. And you can't change that. So whilst you may find it unreasonable you or your DH get in that car and go to get her.

BTW she may say she's ok with it but my DD agrees to all sorts of shit to keep her erratic father happy, none of it how she really feels. Just consider that her mother may be being "the bad guy" for her DD.

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 22:43

Still have no idea why you have to have two cars. Especially if you've taken some sort of financial hit.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 22:43

OP catching the bus was your DH's idea but you're not prepared to give a little or help re your SD, in fact you see her as an inconvenience on lots of counts.

Sounds as if you and Chuck are one and the same as you're both equally vociferous in how safe a long journey in winter is, involving missing buses, dodgy people at bus stops etc... Some care for a not yet teenage girl!

Of course she says she will be ok, she either doesn't want to cause a scene or is a bit naive re travel in dark etc. you as parents are the ones meant to help, look out for her and guide her.

stitchglitched · 30/09/2016 22:43

She isn't too young to catch a bus to school or travel on one for a trip out with friends. She is to young to be responsible for her own travel arrangements in order to visit her parent though. She only sees her Dad once a fortnight, I think it is important for him to travel to pick her up, spend a bit of time chatting in the car, and make her feel cared for, valued and worth the effort. Her Mum does half the journey too!

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 22:44

Oh and as I stated... stepdaughter is very happy to catch the bus...it's the mother who is not..stepdaughter prefers it as less time stuck in car and traffic and stated today that it's good as she gets more time here than in the car.
Ultimatum would be for mother not the daughter!

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/09/2016 22:45

No need to make a decision now.

She has only made one bus journey. Mum is still nervous.

It is the beginning of autumn, you've got a few more journeys until winter.

Make no decisions, make no ultimatums, "let's see how it goes".

With time, DD's mum will likely feel more open to the idea that DD is fine on the bus, and maybe you will be open to the idea that DD is not fine on the bus, depending on how things turn out.

NoMudNoLotus · 30/09/2016 22:46

I'm a step mother.

My DH used to do a 5 hour round trip to collect his DC - we had children also - but it was for the good of his children .

You sound awful OP.

1potato2potato3potato4 · 30/09/2016 22:46

Our financial situation has changed in the past year

Well it would do, if you have a 1 yr old.

Starryeyed16 · 30/09/2016 22:47

Everyone says your Yabu .... Op but no we are not 🙈

Discobabe · 30/09/2016 22:48

Why do you make sure they talk once a wk? Can her dad not manage that all by himself?

Ok so it's not you asking advice. In that case it's her dad that's making a crap parenting choice if he wants to tell her she gets the bus or doesn't visit. When you add it to fact he doesn't buy her presents, you do, and he needs you to remind him to ring her once a week and he needs you write on the calendar when she's visiting it doesn't exactly paint him as father of the year. You of course are innocent as clearly you are not agreeing with his rubbish parenting choices at all and you are just hard done by being forced to eat late occasionally, pay child support to his dd's mother, whilst affording to run two cars which you can't afford diesel for once every other bloody wk (commitments allowing meaning it's probably frequently less often) to collect his dd.

Why did you have kids with him Confused