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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu? Well, are we being unreasonable?

280 replies

laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 21:32

My stepdaughter will be 13 in December, she regularly takes the bus from her home town to a large city some 20/30 miles away.

She visits every other weekend (commitments permitting) and meeting her mother halfway after work (half5) is costing a small fortune in fuel and with traffic getting worse is taking ages for them to get back here (don't get back till half 6/7pm) and I have 2 small children waiting for dinner and bed.

There is a bus that leaves Just after she leaves school and only takes an hour to reach our town where my partner would meet her, it works out cheaper and means no rush hour traffic so they are back by half 5 latest ( if traffic at complete standstill). She has done it this evening no problem at all. However her mother is saying that come winter she will have more to bring and coats etc and that it won't work...are we being unreasonable to say that she can leave clothes/pjs here and that she will be wearing her coat anyway so no reason it can't work?
Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

Please note: stepdaughter happy to catch bus, mother is the one making a big deal about it. Also my OH is having an op in November and won't be driving at all for at least 4 weeks, he can't even lift a kettle for 2 weeks post-op so won't be able to collect. (And before anyone says- no, I will not collect her halfway (only from the bus) I have two small children and will not drive them for nearly two hours unnecessarily)

OP posts:
Starryeyed16 · 30/09/2016 22:12

Unfortunately these people exist and give step parents a bad name. I hope your oh sees sense and leaves you.

yorkshapudding · 30/09/2016 22:12

This kid didn't choose you as a step Mum, but you chose her when you chose to enter into a relationship with her Dad. So the responsibility to facilitate contact, and your DP's financial obligations to support her aren't some kind of bad luck that has befallen you, it's a part of the life that you chose.

Suck it up basically.

JenLindleyShitMom · 30/09/2016 22:12

Thinking of myself at 13, if my dad had told me to get a bus or not come at all it would send me a pretty strong message regarding how much he valued my presence in his life. If have told him "fine, I'll inconvenience you no more and hair stay where I am" now isn't that a lovely way to end your relationship with your daughter? Over the cost of fucking petrol! Hmm

FuzzyOwl · 30/09/2016 22:12

I am so glad you are not my stepmother or my partner. So, so glad!

ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 22:13

However her mother is saying that come winter she will have more to bring and coats etc and that it won't work

Won't the buses let kids on when wearing coats and carrying bags now?

What would happen if he didn't drive? It's just a bus in a different direction surely?

GDarling · 30/09/2016 22:13

Actually is doesn't matter what time she turns up to yr house, u could put her food in the oven when she gets to you, my god, can't you help instead of hinder?
It's every other week, come on now, evaluate how you would treat yr own children in this circumstance.
I would not let a child of 13 travel for hours on a bus alone, I would/do travel with my daughter for company and protection, winter nights are long and dark.
You could pick her up when your DH is home after his op, as he can look after the young ones, don't keep making excuses and making it more difficult than it is.
Remember you took yr DH on, knowing he had a daughter!! ( and an ex wife!!!)

JenLindleyShitMom · 30/09/2016 22:14

csa already kills us

No, your financial commitments kill you. All of them. Not sure why CSA is being singled out as the cause of your financial distress. Perhaps it's the food your youngest child eats that kills you. Could that child eat less perhaps?

sarahquilt · 30/09/2016 22:15

Poor girl:(

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 22:15

Starry my sentiments exactly!

What a horrible, horrible uncaring woman this poster is!

I suppose there may be a back story or drip feed from her in due course though.

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 30/09/2016 22:16

How old are your monkeys again?

totalrecall1 · 30/09/2016 22:17

Yes yabu

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 22:18

Bet the OP won't come back to answer now... If she is for real though, hope she's really taking a good look at herself and her attitude towards her partner's little girl.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 22:18

FFS chuck you move heaven and hell to help a child visit their parent when the living arrangements have changed permanently for a child.

I presume her mother would drive her if her father didn't drive her, but he does and so does his partner.

ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 22:18

Just read the monkeys/circus line. Wow.

First she gets told it is none of her business - it is between her husband and the mother of the child then when she says it is not her circus she gets told she is out of order. Typical MN reaction to a stepmother issue. We all know step mothers aren't allowed an opinion on anything.

ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 22:20

FFS chuck you move heaven and hell to help a child visit their parent when the living arrangements have changed permanently for a child.

Or you let them get a bus in a different direction. The mother isn't moving heaven and hell to get the child back from school using a golden chariot is she? The child is perfectly able to walk to a bus stop and sit on a bus and get off again. She isn't made of chocolate.

Original poster
laidbackmummy13 · 30/09/2016 22:20

If there is no money then there is no money and I think you are all missing the point, HE is asking for advice, He is talking to her mother. Why we have two cars is that it is necessary because of where we live.
The journey to school is not much less then the journey here. If he couldn't get to the bus stop then I would ( I simply won't confuse my kids with her mother).
I don't interfere thus "not my monkey", I am not her parent "not my circus".

When here she is fed and she has her own room, bedding and is treated just like my two (age appropriate). I buy her birthday,Christmas,Easter presents and make sure her weekends here are put on the calendar and that they talk at least once a week on phone ( she has numerous after school clubs).

Amazing how many jumped on me when it quite clearly states this is his question and started abusing my parenting. Maybe you should read it properly?

OP posts:
ChuckBiscuits · 30/09/2016 22:21

I would not let a child of 13 travel for hours on a bus alone

One hour. When she would be on a bus anyway.

Fucking drama llamas on here. Jesus.

SparklyLeprechaun · 30/09/2016 22:23

Won't the buses let kids on when wearing coats and carrying bags now?

I'm sure the bus would, but the kid would still have to cart her stuff around school all day if she was to take the bus (I suspect this is where the coat becomes an issue and it's not just the mum being awkward, our secondary only allows the uniform blazers in school even in winter). But I suspect the op has left out a lot of the mum's arguments.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 22:24

chuck it's dark, cold, waiting at bus stops aspect in Winter FFS.

Oh go on then let the child be abducted or catch cold.... I mean it's only 20/30 miles away isn't it and she's only 13?!

Sad
Elland · 30/09/2016 22:25

Turn the situation around and put yourself in their shoes, if you and your OH were to split up do you think it would be reasonable for him not to see your children for the same reason?

Starryeyed16 · 30/09/2016 22:25

Many families manage on one car, you have chosen to have additional children knowing you had this commitment and that money should be set aside for petrol costs, you can look at your budget you just refuse to. Your whole attitude about this is appalling you expressed your opinion on the matter even suggested her not coming if she doesn't get the bus!! Getting an hour long bus at that age in dark nights in the cold is massively unreasonable.

Heidi41 · 30/09/2016 22:26

I am just wondering if the fact your dp has to meet up with the mother is the real reason you don't want her to be picked up ? Are you feeling insecure op? Are you afraid he still loves her and you are jealous? Just an observation

Butteredparsn1ps · 30/09/2016 22:26

It is your DPs circus. And his Daughter is his business

AyeAmarok · 30/09/2016 22:27

This reply has been deleted

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EdmundCleverClogs · 30/09/2016 22:27

Chuck, I never said it wasn't her business, I said it wasn't up to the op (or partner) to make such ultimatums. The planning should be between the parents, but using such a crass line as the monkey/circus one just makes the OP sound line she cannot be arsed with her partner's child.

Op - why do you need two cars, sounds like there is a bus service near you? What does 'confuse your kids with her mother' mean?? And why couldn't your partner start his own thread? Or can't he be arsed doing that either...

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