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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be confused that dh has said I should get a part time job

178 replies

oopsIdiditagain21 · 30/09/2016 17:32

DH has a good well paid job and we have always agreed that he goes out to work and I support him by looking after home, DC, him etc. I thought we were both happy with this arrangement and he has only recently said he couldn't do what he does without me doing what I do so he can relax, do hobbies and so on when he is not working. I don't complain about my role and have always felt lucky. Then today he said I should get a part time job to get out the house. I do have a hobby I love and friends so it's not like I'm stuck in all the time. How do I take this?

OP posts:

LikelyLama · 02/10/2016 11:49

I don't think it's helpful to portray non-working women with older kids as downtrodden bored and boring housewives. I've a big circle of friends some of whom work because they have to, some of whom work because they want to and many of whom don't work. Some are happy, some are bored and some are stressed..... There is no common denominator. It's horses for courses isn't it? It's about working out what suits you and your family and making sure you have the ability to make positive choices rather than being forced into things. That's what I try to teach my daughters (and my sons)

I love not working. I'm busy, happy and I find lots to do that is intellectually challenging. I find it hard to fit it all in. I've two holidays coming up in the next month and a big sporting event. I don't know where I would fit work into my schedule.

Im friends with a few Boffin type supermums and I've nothing but admiration S for them as they thrive on what they are doing. I have nothing but admiration a for them. However I also know a few quiet 'homely' types who seem equally content with pottering about. Whom I to judge them?

(Sorry for typos but I'm crap at English and I'm on my phone... It's a bad combo)

DuckingAunts · 02/10/2016 12:04

I don't think it's necessarily about working vs not working rather it's about feeling fulfilled and valued and useful.

I think a lot of mothers on both sides of the work/non-work fence don't feel any of those things.

AlbertaDewdrop · 02/10/2016 13:17

I'm on maternity leave again and intend to go back to work. Even paying childcare for two DCs, it will still just about be worth it, but only just.

You have to think long term. My childcare and travel was MORE than my take home pay for a few months when I went back after my 2nd. But my career would have stopped completely had I not gone back.

20 years later I am pretty much at the top of my profession and I assume I must be in the highest earning bracket with my background in the country. I was headhunted this week and when I told him it would be a pay cut he was shocked however what I do is now very specialized though and the role he was offering was wider.

So sometimes you need to take the long term view. 20 years ago I was on a typical career trajectory. Maybe having children and all that entails was what made me push that bit harder and so go that bit higher.

blueshoes · 02/10/2016 14:09

Just wish to echo what Boffinmum said with bells on.

On a slightly irrelevant point, ICI no longer exists and has not for some time.

OneFootinFront · 02/10/2016 14:54

Given that - statistically - women live longer than men, I think also that women need to be thinking about pension contributions and so on.

And sometimes, I get a wee bit irritated by the "My children are all at school/left home, but I'm still happy not WOHM" - yes that's nice for you, but for those people (women & men) who don't have a choice about not working, they're the ones paying NI, superannuation etc to support your old age ...

MrsSchadenfreude · 02/10/2016 15:39

I agree with BoffinMum and Alberta, about taking the long term view.

LikelyLama · 02/10/2016 16:29

BlueShoes. I knew that ICI aren't about. It's the same industry that my DH works in.

LikelyLama · 02/10/2016 16:35

OneFooInTheGrave. Apt name considering the comment lol,

..don't worry I haven't worked for years but I've more than covered my costs and on the outside possibility that I haven't DHs contributions will have many times over.

Headofthehive55 · 02/10/2016 18:45

Yes boffin I know that it was against the law. I'm actively looking to bring my talents and desire to word hard to a new place...fingers crossed.

NowThatsClosureJen · 03/10/2016 11:51

I'm guessing the DC are in fact older and at school/uni and your DH can't understand what it is you do all day..?

yoowhoo · 03/10/2016 12:53

I agree with what so many people are saying. I am not going to name everyone because I'm on my phone so hard to look back but someone said they fill their time with holidays etc.. which is lovely, but most of us need to work to be lucky enough to go on holidays. I also don't really fully get why people don't go back to work when the kids are at school but I think that's just the upbringing I've had with 2 working parents.
I really don't care if other people are SAHP or working parents but please don't class SAHP as working... Yes housework is work but seriously the food shop is not working. I have to do that on top of working 40 hours in 4 days. So does everyone else. Food shopping and housework are just normal things that need doing.

PoldarksBreeches · 03/10/2016 13:07

Lol at the woman who is too busy to work because she has 2 holidays in the next month...

Sahping is only equivalent to going to work if you have pre school children IMO. Once your kids are at school then you have acres of free time more than a working parent.

GillyMcFizzleSocks · 03/10/2016 13:20

Being a SAHP isn't paid work or valued in our capitalist society but caring for children is important and it is certainly an occupation. If someone is paid to look after a child all day they are a nanny. It's a job! But when a parent looks after their own child during the day people seem to delight in saying that it isn't a job and that they themselves do everything a SAHP does AND work full time. If the OP's children are at school then it's different, but it's frustrating when people try to claim that SAHPs with children at home are idle or that WOHPs do everything they do on top of working. The childcare part is the key difference!

happyandsingle · 03/10/2016 13:24

if a woman can afford to stay at home why not? I am a single mum work part time but even though my daughters at school I still struggle with holidays, when she's sick etc. children still need you even when there at school.

BoffinMum · 03/10/2016 17:13

I really am not supermum. I am an overweight 48 YO with a box set habit, a peculiar love of libraries and dreams of being a rock star in my dotage.

chaplin1409 · 03/10/2016 17:26

This always gets me when your children are in school you are suddenly made to feel you should be working but what are you meant to do with your children school holidays, random inset days (two schools so different days) and illness?

Headofthehive55 · 03/10/2016 17:31

I think the most awkward age is primary school. Realistically need childcare, and lots of odd days off here and there, hospital appointments, every few weeks, Inset days but not needed at home full time.

yoowhoo · 03/10/2016 18:57

chaplin I agree with you. It's awkward. But everyone copes. I'm not saying they should go back to work. If you're fortunate enough to stay at home then that's great. But lots of people can't. And they manage with inset days and holidays.

Want2bSupermum · 03/10/2016 19:02

There is a problem with returning to work because of the spouse having to take a step down in 'status'. DH's colleagues are all married to SAHMs (yes not one female with a spouse or children for that matter) and I work. My 'identity' is that I work for big4 in a junior role (in the grand scheme of things) but working my way up through the ranks. Their, as in the wives, 'identity' is that they are the wife of an executive. If they suddenly found themselves divorced their new 'identity' would be at best an admin/secretary role which is a lot less glamorous than being the SAHM of an exec. I fully understand why they don't resume work beyond doing something for charity. It is also often very important to the executive that their spouse is doing something others consider more 'elevated' (and that they have a spouse who enables them to work/travel as demanded by their employer).

It isn't a simple decision and everyone has to find what is right for them as a family. We make both of us working FT work but others think we are crazy.

Want2bSupermum · 03/10/2016 19:05

Forgot to say that some people, like myself, don't care about 'status' of DH's colleagues spouses. Others do and its never nice to feel that judgement.

Also, I repeat that staying home doesn't always mean you are boring. It is really hard to be a good SAHP and you have to be very disciplined.

gillybeanz · 03/10/2016 20:11

Want2b

I totally agree with your last sentence, apart from the discipline bit, for me anyway
I don't think my career made me more interesting, I was never bored, but have never been bored as a sahp, or a retired sahp, there's never a dull moment.

Headofthehive55 · 03/10/2016 22:03

yoohoo yes some people manage to live near helpful parents or there is childcare nearby which suits. There isn't always these options. Here our holiday care runs 10am - 3pm.

BoffinMum · 03/10/2016 22:22

People tend to organise themselves so either they use some sort of childminder, or if they have space they get an au pair in. That covers wraparound stuff very well.

Headofthehive55 · 03/10/2016 22:59

Lots of people don't have the sort of job that can take on paying for wraparound care. If you are not earning much yourself I can see why people give up, and then find it difficult to get back into employment.

It's like pieces in a jigsaw, sometimes they just don't fit.

BoffinMum · 04/10/2016 07:27

Hive, I honestly think it comes down to force of will. The parents that use the after school club and childminders around here are a real mix. Being a relatively low earner does not mean you have to throw in the towel completely.

I've also been in the position where we spent more on childcare than I was able to generate in income, but I just ploughed on doggedly. Sometimes I would try to create extra income by teaching piano or babysitting for other people at weekends or whatever. I knew it would pay off in the long term, and it's starting to.

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