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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused that dh has said I should get a part time job

178 replies

oopsIdiditagain21 · 30/09/2016 17:32

DH has a good well paid job and we have always agreed that he goes out to work and I support him by looking after home, DC, him etc. I thought we were both happy with this arrangement and he has only recently said he couldn't do what he does without me doing what I do so he can relax, do hobbies and so on when he is not working. I don't complain about my role and have always felt lucky. Then today he said I should get a part time job to get out the house. I do have a hobby I love and friends so it's not like I'm stuck in all the time. How do I take this?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/09/2016 18:20

I agree with ImperialBlether.

But OP, why are you asking people who cannot possibly tell you why your husband feels this way. Ask HIM!

I don't think that being a SAHM is a job that is evergreen. As your children grow they don't need a parent hovering behind them so much and they can also start doing their own jobs at home to help out too.

It may be that your husband is feeling the strain or it may be that he's irritated at feeling as if this is a 'done deal' forever... or it may be something else.

Some posters get affronted and feel threatened when there's talk of being encouraged to get back into the workplace and they retort with "Well, I'll draw up a list of things that he will need to do... blah blah". That's not a partnership working, that's just fear and selfishness.

Maybe arrange to go out for dinner and have a discussion about it without the kids being in earshot, neutral territory. Talk to him.

WrongEndoftheTelescope · 30/09/2016 18:21

Donning my tin hat here, but from what I've observed of friends and family (and reading some of the awful stories on the Relationships board) I don't think it's great for a woman's mental health, her self-esteem and her finances to be a SAHM for her entire married life.

So - depending on the ages of your DCs - it's a very good idea to start to be thinking about part-time work outside the home.

With a readjusted balance of domestic and home duties of course!

AnyFucker · 30/09/2016 18:22

Do you always just sit there mute while the mam of the house makes pronouncements ?

You didn't contribute to the conversation in any way? Reply perfectly reasonably with "is there any reason you want to change things" ?

Although it has to be said if he is actually Lord Of The Manor, my advice would actually be to get yourself some independence pronto

sausagefest · 30/09/2016 18:26

Eh? Just discuss that suggestion with him.

Quite a normal thing to raise for discussion.

Quite abnormal to not be discussing it as a couple

BitOutOfPractice · 30/09/2016 18:27

Doesn't anyone actually talk to their OHs?

MistressMolecules · 30/09/2016 18:30

It sounds to me (and obviously I could be wrong as we don't really have any context to it) that he is concerned that maybe he thinks you will want a life away from the home, scared or concerned you may become resentful of the fact he is out there working and you have given up your career, maybe he is thinking you want to go back to the world of work - do you think you may have given him the idea that you miss working or that you are feeling stuck in a rut? How old are your children, babes or more independant?

myownprivateidaho · 30/09/2016 18:32

Agree with those saying that there are plenty of possible explanations for the comment, some reasonable others not, an you can't know which apply unless you ask!

AnyFucker · 30/09/2016 18:34

man of the house Blush

Original poster
oopsIdiditagain21 · 30/09/2016 18:37

Sorry I should have said he told me this on the phone on his way home so I hadnt really got to the bottom of it. He says it's because he doesn't want to me to be stuck at home. When I said he will have to help out in the evenings he said I could only get a job that would mean things don't change at home as he couldn't cope with his job as well as doing stuff here Hmm. I said jobs like that don't exist so he said please forget it he just wants to make sure I'm happy and fulfilled. Well I was this morning but now don't know whether he thinks I'm boring (insists not) or genuinely bothered that I'm happy with current situation.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 30/09/2016 18:39

So he wants you to increase your workload, but have his own workload stay the same? Is he for real?

IhatchedaSnorlax · 30/09/2016 18:40

I think it sounds like a well meaning (if ill though out) comment. Unless there are underlying problems in your marriage, I'd let it go & carry on as normal.

myownprivateidaho · 30/09/2016 18:41

Hmm well it sounds like you do need to talk some more about it. I guess if your relationship is generally good and close you should take his reasons a face value. I guess if you're doing a job you might find it hard to understand how someone could be happy without that, it could be genuine concern.

BoffinMum · 30/09/2016 18:41

I also wondered if you have gone a bit boring and the house, DCs and the hobby have become the limit of your world.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2016 18:43

So he still expects you to carry the same amount of shitwork if you start to WOHM ?

I hope you will tell him to take a running jump.

myownprivateidaho · 30/09/2016 18:43

So he wants you to increase your workload, but have his own workload stay the same? Is he for real?

Whether or not that is reasonable depends on their current respective hours of work, to be fair!

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 30/09/2016 18:45

I bet he has been talking to someone and it seemed like a good idea but he hasn't thought it through. Having said that, depending on the age of the dc a job and some independence might be a good idea.

converseandjeans · 30/09/2016 18:48

Isn't it fair to share the load of earning for the family? The Mumsnet argument about SAHMs enabling men to progress their career is a bit bizarre. Being at work isn't having fun. Fair enough if carrying the load so OH can play golf or go on football weekends away - that's enabling someone to have fun. If I was the sole earner I'd want the other half to contribute financially once the kids were in school.

Original poster
oopsIdiditagain21 · 30/09/2016 18:49

Now I am worried I am boring! However dh is hardly Mr interesting as he has his job (which I dutifully listen to him telling me about - yawn) and hobby but that's about it. We share a hobby and have fun together doing this a couple of times a week. TBH I thought everything was good and he has rocked the boat a bit with this comment which he noe says he hadn't thought through.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 30/09/2016 18:50

So before marriage and kids did he cope with doing stuff like cooking washing housework as well as work for money? Or did he go from mum to wife?

cestlavielife · 30/09/2016 18:51

I think you should look at independence for the future....

GoMeGoYou · 30/09/2016 18:51

Are your kids at school? If so then maybe he thinks you have lots of free time?

trafalgargal · 30/09/2016 18:53

Might be as simple as he was talking to a colleague whose wife struggled by leaving returning to work too long. Was the intention that you stay home indefinitely or is it something that wasn't discussed and has just evolved ?

Sunnydawn · 30/09/2016 18:56

I'm a bit unsure about typing this, because your situation is probably very different, but I know a couple who are about to have this conversation, and I think the husband has a serious point.

He has a fulltime job, youngish but not baby children, wife is a SAHM.

He arrives home to do all of the housework, including cooking, cleaning, ironing, bath and bedtime. He does all of the night time wakings.

He is in a senior position at work, but is absolutely skint, and on his knees with exhaustion. I think he is about to have a breakdown, and she just doesn't see it.

Everyone has kept out of it, because it is no one else's business, but I think he is going to suggest that she get a job so that they can afford a car, and a cleaner.

MatildaTheCat · 30/09/2016 19:00

Maybe he works with women who have DC and sees them happy and fulfilled in their work and thought,moh maybe dw would enjoy getting back to work. He didn't consider the other elements he doesn't see behind the scenes.

You've pointed out the bleeding obvious logistics and he's had a quick rethink. Tell him you do agree you need some time out of the house and go on a spa weekend, that old mumsnet favourite cure for a bellend silly dh.

Forget it and do what works for you. Working pt and continuing all your current jobs probably isn't going to work that well for you.

Titsalinabumsquash · 30/09/2016 19:04

Surely the simple thing to do is to sit him down and tell him you're puzzled by his comment and now a little concerned and could you two have a talk about it?