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Original poster

To be confused that dh has said I should get a part time job

178 replies

oopsIdiditagain21 · 30/09/2016 17:32

DH has a good well paid job and we have always agreed that he goes out to work and I support him by looking after home, DC, him etc. I thought we were both happy with this arrangement and he has only recently said he couldn't do what he does without me doing what I do so he can relax, do hobbies and so on when he is not working. I don't complain about my role and have always felt lucky. Then today he said I should get a part time job to get out the house. I do have a hobby I love and friends so it's not like I'm stuck in all the time. How do I take this?

OP posts:
DilbyGlipob · 02/10/2016 00:11

I'm not sure lots of them wouldn't be given the right circumstances?

To reiterate, I'm not talking about looking after young children - that is a full time job. But if for example both partners have the same earning potential and no children to look after, why should one go to work all day and the other not have to? I'm not trying to stir the pot or derail the thread, I'm genuinely interested in why people feel that's fair?

HelenaDove · 02/10/2016 00:25

"There are bits of being a SAHM that are really tiring/boring/frustrating etc but on the whole it's a million times better than working."

Well if that were true people wouldnt be choosing a childfree by choice lifestyle.

A third of women who will turn 45 in 2018 will be childless/childfree.

bluetongue · 02/10/2016 04:32

Plenty of mums have children and work full time. Having a child isn't an automatic ticket to a lifetime of long lunches and hours walking dogs for most mothers.

I'm child free by choice but am quite envious of mothers having breaks from the workplace ( I do realise that caring for most newborns is not a holiday though.)

CoYoAddict · 02/10/2016 05:13

Did he say,
"The house is a shit tip, youre obviously a lazy fucker who spends every minute on mumsnet, you may as well get a part time job"

No that would be my husband. Grin

CoYoAddict · 02/10/2016 05:13

He doesn't really, but I've seen him thinking it and its true

LellyMcKelly · 02/10/2016 07:03

The other thing to consider is that you might want to keep your skills and experience up to date so that if and when the time comes, you are able to go back to work. The Daily Fail is full of sad faces women who gave up their careers when they got married, only to find that 30 years on, hubby has decided to run off with a colleague. You should never need to rely on someone else bringing in the money, because the day may come when they can't or won't.

Fidelia · 02/10/2016 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoffinMum · 02/10/2016 07:33

The thing is, I do nearly all those things SAHPs reckon constitute a working day on this thread, and I hold down a full time job in a university plus I am a landlord, and I have one kid with serious SN plus three others, and I wouldn't really say I am particularly knackered or anything. I do wonder what on earth they do all day. I have also never met an interesting SAHP of older children, if I am brutally honest. I think it's a rather lazy option and many women go off the boil intellectually and become overly dependent on men, and their conversations become rather circular and dull. I've taught the kids of older SAHMs as well and they aren't as clued up or resilient as those with mums who hold down proper jobs. I therefore remain unpersuaded of the benefits of SAHP as a positive lifestyle choice and I think many women are kidding themselves if they think this is 'work'.

FFTransform · 02/10/2016 07:39

I have to admit my first thought was as fidel that something has changed for him and his need of you, if it was for your own good it would have been handled differently

FFTransform · 02/10/2016 07:39

Sorry Fidelia

Headofthehive55 · 02/10/2016 07:41

I wonder what full sahm do if their children are at school. I work part time, and those days I'm at home I am finding increasingly dull. I have to remain pt as there are school holidays to cover and limited childcare here. But desparate to do more! So I do agree with boffin!

BoffinMum · 02/10/2016 07:43

Headofthdhive, write your novel?!

BoffinMum · 02/10/2016 07:46

There are so many SAHPs out there with messy houses and whose kids live off processed crap. I think often it's about avoiding the rough and tumble of office politics and the workplace half the time and absolutely nothing to do with wanting to run a good home. Women should be much, much more honest with themselves.

coffeemachine · 02/10/2016 07:50

agree, boffin, it puzzles me too.

PonderingProsecco · 02/10/2016 07:51

I work again after longish period as sahm.
House tip when not working and still tip now Blush.

BoffinMum · 02/10/2016 07:52

Pondering, refreshing honesty there Grin

chaplin1409 · 02/10/2016 07:56

I am a SAHM too and this is something we decided before having kids. Maybe you dh has had a conversation with somebody and they asked are you not bored at home now the children are at school and that got him thinking. It might just be as simple as that.

PonderingProsecco · 02/10/2016 07:57

Clutter, clutter everywhere.....
Not proud but drowning somewhat.
I ponder too much!!

Headofthehive55 · 02/10/2016 07:58

boffin ha! Not sure anyone would read my ramblings! I did do another degree though. And lots of courses. It does keep me a bit sane.

whattheseithakasmean · 02/10/2016 08:03

OP - would you like to get a part time job? I don't think you have actually stated whether you have considered his suggestion, it seems you have automatically dismissed it then fretted. Why is that?

Helloitsme90 · 02/10/2016 08:11

I work part time with an 8 month old and a 3 year old at home. I also do the lions share of the housework and cooking and cleaning as DH is out until 9pm most nights. I'm exhausted but I love it. Feels nice to have a purpose again and I'm just a bit crap at being a sahm. I love my kids but enjoy the break whilst working.

Myownperson · 02/10/2016 08:28

it's about avoiding the rough and tumble of office politics and the workplace

Yes, but not out of laziness. I loved work. Really loved it. But going back after years at home with young children is terrifying. So if it wasn't necessary I'd probably avoid it and do some voluntary work or study etc. So I can see how being a SAHM with under 5s morphs into a longer term thing.

I absolutely agree that being at home has made me boring.

I think a lot of the debate about which is more difficult, at home or work is about how much people enjoy their work. My husband works hard but I would love to be doing the job he does. It's pretty much what I was doing before I left.

Butterly · 02/10/2016 08:44

I was a SAHM when my children were pre-school but have worked part-time since. I can never understand this idea that work is supposed to be so stimulating and make one more interesting and fulfilled. My job can be both boring and stressful, with colleagues who are a pita. As a SAHM, I had time to do several college courses, meet up with friends and write a novel. Now, I'm often too knackered to do the things I enjoy doing and am probably less interesting than I was before!

80sWaistcoat · 02/10/2016 08:52

Agree with boffin, we both work full time and managed sorting out house and his three kids (not full time but here a lot )). What do You do all day once the kids are at school...?

I have a fantasy where DH earns enough that I go pt on run up to retirement, but actually I'd be really worried about not having my own career and money.

Myownperson · 02/10/2016 08:57

Exactly my point. Depends on the job.

Although no one I know in real life has studied several courses or written a novel while looking after babies/toddlers/preschoolers though. Not sure your at home experience is typical.

Oops, didn't mean to get into a SAHM/wohm debate! My view is that people are coming from very different places.