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Original poster

To be confused that dh has said I should get a part time job

178 replies

oopsIdiditagain21 · 30/09/2016 17:32

DH has a good well paid job and we have always agreed that he goes out to work and I support him by looking after home, DC, him etc. I thought we were both happy with this arrangement and he has only recently said he couldn't do what he does without me doing what I do so he can relax, do hobbies and so on when he is not working. I don't complain about my role and have always felt lucky. Then today he said I should get a part time job to get out the house. I do have a hobby I love and friends so it's not like I'm stuck in all the time. How do I take this?

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 30/09/2016 19:04

Boffin and AF are both onto something.

DH wouldn't make a comment like that and not get a direct question back from me. You have to talk and ask some questions.

Also, as much as I hate to admit this, being a SAHM is incredibly boring if not done right. It is an incredibly hard job because you can become very insular/boring if you don't get yourself together and get organized. People think it is a walk in the park to stay home compared to working.... I manage a team now of almost 100 people. That is a walk in the park compared to managing my three kids age 5 and under.

Lazyafternoon · 30/09/2016 19:06

If anything like my DH things 'pop out' without brain being engaged.

My DH would listen to someone just returning from maternity leave or something and hear them say the 'it's nice to have time to be me / use my skills again' type comment and think - oh my wife says things like that sometimes....

Then I point out the financial and practical aspect of me going back to work doesn't really work out. But if he wants to find me a job of the same level I was at so using my skills, but locally as I found commuting and childcare really stressful and falls just within the 9 hours of preschool DS attends to avoid having to move him to day nursery or get a childminder as well then great - sounds ideal!

But also I don't think DH can really comprehend being happy not working. Like you OP he says he would go bonkers looking after DS and just keeping house all day everyday. So assumes it drives me bonkers too. But it doesn't I love it.

mouldycheesefan · 30/09/2016 19:09

Perhaps he would like to reduce his hours and spend some time at home, he could put in a flexible working request to work fewer days and you could work a bit and it may be a better work life balance for him. Being at work day in day out is a bit shit, especially when the other partner has a lot more flexibility and free time even if they are keeping the home fires burning and looking after the dcs. It's not a ful, time job, many manage it in top of work.

Sounds like he could use some time off himself? Bit mean to make him always the wage slave!

Original poster
oopsIdiditagain21 · 30/09/2016 19:10

Thanks for the support everyone.Sunnydawn I can understand that dh would be annoyed if he had to come home and clean, cook etc but everything is done and he generally comes home to happy DC, happy wife, nice meal, clean clothes and house etc. I do the household accounts too so know money situation is OK.

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 30/09/2016 19:10

this was a comment in a phone chat?
I'd be interested to know what preceded it
Was there any talk of money or did you sound bored or something?

Sunnydawn · 30/09/2016 19:13

Oops, it's probably not a money thing then. Probably best to sit him down and ask him? He's probably been chatting to someone at work and thinks it's a bright idea.

Lilacpink40 · 30/09/2016 19:16

I went back to work p/t after both my DCs and now I'm separated pending divorce I'm glad I did. With tax credits I can pay the mortgage and keep the house.

Just another perspective, if your DH would support you it may be worth looking into as having financial independence can be very useful (not saying you'll need it but it can be liberating). He should help at home too though.

cestlavielife · 30/09/2016 19:33

How would money be if he dropped dead tomorrow? Would insurance pension etc cover everything? Ie would it be beneficial to get into work in case of need later /in case he lost his job or anything happened ?
Do you have a profession or career or would you be starting from scratch ?

Nothing wrong with thinking about a part time job and make your own decisions conclusions

Daydream007 · 30/09/2016 19:55

Maybe his job isn't as secure any more and he feels under pressure as the sole earner. You earning money could ease the financial burden.

HelenaDove · 30/09/2016 20:15

If his job isnt secure he needs to actually communicate that to his wife Daydream not keep her in the dark about it. So if this is the case its down to his lack of communication.

Somehow though i dont think thats the case. I think it was deliberate that he brought it up in a phone conversation while in a hurry rather than talk face to face.

Because he was hoping for the OP to be caught off guard and agree to increase her workload without having to increase his.

NowThatsClosureJen · 30/09/2016 20:18

How old are your kids?

GeorgeTheThird · 30/09/2016 20:20

If you work part time he does some of the shitwork. Otherwise no way.

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 30/09/2016 20:22

I think you need to talk to him yet again. I think you need to ask (again) why he said it, because it's bothering you and you want to know what prompted his comment. Don't let him fob you off.

As a sort of aside though...

I think in the ideal word it seems like a perfect set up, as long as you are both happy (and you thought you were). It doesn't matter which one works & which one stays home, but to have one able to focus on their career and not be worrying about getting back in time before nursery closes, being able to travel for work, go in early for meeting etc and one have the home front totally under control. as long as you are BOTH happy. [If both parents WANT to work then that's great too as long as the child/household stuff is shared too]

However, sadly, we don't live in the ideal world & relationships break down all the time. Unfortunately when they do, the SAHP is the one that suffers. They're the one with the career & CV in tatters.

I just feel, that sadly, both parents need to keep at least their toe in the water of employment.

Specialapplek · 30/09/2016 20:25

I wouldn't think too much about it. It's probably a somewhat random thought that occurred to him and he decided to ask you in casual conversation.

I'm a SAHM and every once in awhile DH would ask me if I want to go back to work, if I find staying at home boring, etc. Sometimes it's because he's had a colleague who has just returned from maternity leave, other times he's checking if I'm happy with the way things are.

yoowhoo · 30/09/2016 20:30

I wouldn't look at it negatively. These conversations do come up from time to time especially as kids grow up. I'm assuming the children are pre school age? In which case you will be getting out to groups etc.. during the day.

temporarilyjerry · 30/09/2016 20:33

"How old are your DC?" is becoming the new "Cancel the cheque." Grin

CPtart · 30/09/2016 20:38

My thoughts too were that you may be becoming rather dull. You're the far more vulnerable party in this set up. You really need to pursue what he meant by this comment.

MammouthTask · 30/09/2016 20:42

From what you say, it looks like he thought that to be able to 'go out of the house', aka have some sort o social life, see and interact with people, you need to ave a job.
And that he was worried this wasn't the case for you (ie the social interaction bit) because 'you are at home all day'

It also looks like it's better if you DON'T want to get a job because that would really cause him some problems!

I wouln't read too much into it TBH.

MammouthTask · 30/09/2016 20:45

I'm wondering what people who says that you should ask him again and don't be fooled off, are actually expecting him to say he genuinely just say that wo really thinking and it's really not a big deal for him.

How will you say whether you are being fobbed off?

GDarling · 30/09/2016 20:51

Just ask him why he said that, then tell us as we should really start a sweepstake up😂😂

Memoires · 30/09/2016 21:38

I bet someone at work was talking about his own dp/dw, or ribbing him about your role/his role and he suddenly got worried.

Me2017 · 30/09/2016 21:55

It sounds like he's happ to drop the subject. I earned 10x my other half so not in the same position as you. We did the same amount as each other with children and housework as were in a feminist fair relationship.

If a man is planning a divorce he is usually advised to try to persuade his wife into work first, part or even full time as more money will be needd to keep two home and it will make it easier to claim the children 50% of the time if you both work. However it does not seem he plans a divorce as far as we can tell even in the longer term.

unicornthong · 30/09/2016 22:35

I think he's got a point, you know. If you've got time on your hands, why not put it to good use? You could probably pick up a couple of shifts a week as a cleaner or dinner lady, that's only a few hours.

If you already manage to live comfortably on just his wage, you could use yours as a nice little extra to do more fun stuff!

Jugglingallthebollocks · 30/09/2016 22:43

Donning my hard hat but why wouldn't you get a part time job especially if your kids are at school? There is ample evidence that we derive significant wellbeing from work outside the home and it would give you financial independence.

GoMeGoYou · 30/09/2016 22:44

Me2017 Why bother name changing when you make your posts so identifiable. Confused I can't imagine that there is a single Mumsnetters that doesn't know that you earned 10X your ex husbands salary.