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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused that dh has said I should get a part time job

178 replies

oopsIdiditagain21 · 30/09/2016 17:32

DH has a good well paid job and we have always agreed that he goes out to work and I support him by looking after home, DC, him etc. I thought we were both happy with this arrangement and he has only recently said he couldn't do what he does without me doing what I do so he can relax, do hobbies and so on when he is not working. I don't complain about my role and have always felt lucky. Then today he said I should get a part time job to get out the house. I do have a hobby I love and friends so it's not like I'm stuck in all the time. How do I take this?

OP posts:
brummiesue · 30/09/2016 22:45

Maybe he is sick of being the one who is responsible for funding the household??

DiegeticMuch · 30/09/2016 22:48

If you return to work part time, he must start doing some domestic chores. It won't all be sunshine and roses for him!

yoowhoo · 30/09/2016 22:56

gomegoyou I don't think me2017 said that she name changed to say that, did she? I name change often. She could have just happened to name change. Why does it matter if she mentions the same fact on a name change ?

BitOutOfPractice · 30/09/2016 23:05

as he couldn't cope with his job as well as doing stuff here

Do men like this really exist? I despair sometimes. I really do.

It feels like women have evolved somehow yet so many men are still living in the 50s. "Couldn't cope". Ffs what an utter child. How do these men ever get or keep partners. They are so deeply deeply unattractive. I think I give up right here right now.

HelenaDove · 30/09/2016 23:12

A lot of men have been happy to evolve regarding the bits of feminism that suit them. Like expecting a 50/50 split of household bills and expenses even when the woman is earning less.

VenusRising · 30/09/2016 23:23

GoMe Me2017 isn't the only MN or woman on the planet who earns more than their DH. Lay off - she has a right to post anonymously, even if her details don't change, who gives a flying duck

CoolToned · 30/09/2016 23:28

Ask your DH OP.

I was a stay-at-home-housewife for two years after migrating (my DH got a job the week we arrived so I was alone the first two years at home). No kids, so I was hardly busy. All I did was go online, talk to friends from home, cook, stroll around the malls so much that I have memorised the malls near us (we live in the city), etc.

My husband did not say anything, I could just do whatever I wanted to do.

A year in and I was feeling queasy. I felt like life was passing by. So did short courses (aged care, medical reception course), and then decided to go back to school and do a masters in another field.

But that's just me. There are lots of reasons for your DP to say that so you need to ask him.

callmeadoctor · 01/10/2016 13:12

Bless him, he might just be thinking that you want to get out of the house a bit more. Possibly reading about housewives chained to the kitchen sink. I wouldn't be bothered by his question at all, he sounds really caring.

TheNaze73 · 01/10/2016 14:05

I think he's being reasonable here. Surely it's sensible to have that type of conversation.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 01/10/2016 14:11

How old are your DC?" is becoming the new "Cancel the cheque." grin

I guess because if the children are two and four they have different needs than if they were 15 and 17.

SpaceUnicorn · 01/10/2016 18:10

There are lots of reasons for your DP to say that so you need to ask him.

Quite. How can asking MN be the more sensible option than having a discussion with your DH regarding your mutual expectations regarding household and financial contributions? (Unless, of course, the intention is to stir up a SAHM/WOHM 'debate'.)

SpaceUnicorn · 01/10/2016 18:21

Also, unless I've missed it, the OP doesn't seem keen to answer the question of how old the children are, although it's been asked several times. As pp said, there's a big difference between being a SAHP to under 5s and being a SAHP to teenagers.

LittleBearPad · 01/10/2016 18:29

Maybe he thinks if your children are older that soon they'll be off to college, uni etc and you might be bored. It's not an unreasonable suggestion that you get a job.

chinlo · 01/10/2016 19:00

If he says he just wanted to make sure you're happy and living a fulfilling life, why don't you listen to him instead of what a bunch of strangers on mumsnet think he meant?

Elsma67 · 01/10/2016 19:38

Some interesting stances here. As chief earner, and keen mum... with DC of 10 and 14... I have asked DH a few, and increasing number of, times when he will get back into the earning game.

The reasons are many and varied. Some to do with being tired and stressed, some worrying that he needs to start readjusting to reality as DCs grow and need less, some re $$$, some wondering how he can keep his brain ticking over with laundry and the PTA as his friends... many.

Doesn't mean I want a divorce. Doesn't mean I suddenly have capacity or capability to pick up aspects of home life (I work stupid hours to earn money for us). Doesn't mean I'm judging him.

Things look different from different places. It's not boy v girl.

VicBen · 01/10/2016 20:27

Can someone tell me what SAHM's actually do all day once their kids are at school? I work part time and surely there's only so much housework/shopping you can do in the 6 hours or so the kids are out of the house all day?

Moreisnnogedag · 01/10/2016 20:50

Vic of our two DC, one is still at home but I can certainly see what my dh (who will probably always be a sahd) would do. School hours aren't particularly long once you've dropped them off and leave in time to pick them up. Dogs to be walked, for us allotment and animals sorted, but more importantly DH is their constant and means I never worry about clinics/theatre running late, picking up extra on calls/sessions etc. My stress levels would rise considerably if we went back to both of us working. I am also in the incredibly fortunate position of when I'm home there's no cleaning, cooking etc that needs to be done.

converseandjeans · 01/10/2016 20:51

vicben yes I would have thought a part time job would still leave plenty of time to get all the housework done. Even if it was 5 hours a day taking into account travelling to and from school that would equal 25 hours a week. Surely there isn't that much to do in an average sized house? I doubt OPs DH gets that much time to himself a week.

areyoubeingserviced · 01/10/2016 21:23

The thing is all of us can only guess as to what Ops dh is thinking.
It may be an entirely innocent question. He may be worried about Op's well being, I don't get the impression that OP has complained about being said. Therefore, I think it could be that he thinks that you should be working. The ages of the dc are relevant . If they are older you probably should be working imho.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/10/2016 22:36

Vicben - I do actually have a job myself during school hours so this doesn't apply to me, but if I didn't, whilst a major part of 9-3 might be 'me' time save say 2 hours hw/admin, a sahp is still 'working' for 1.5 hours ish in the am - up, breakfasted, to school - then the 2 hours hw - then 'working' 3 till 8 with pick up, activities, tea, homework, stories, bath etc. So, they're still doing an 8.5 hour working day even if they get most of the 9-3 off.

YourHandInMyHand · 01/10/2016 23:22

How old are the dcs?

I ask as I have relative who is puzzled by the same suggestion - her kids are now uni age! I think in the case in my family the husband was happy with this arrangement when they had very young dcs, but then thought at primary school age, and then secondary school age, and on leaving school Shock that things might change. Hmm

If they are only young dcs I can understand your confusion but if they're getting old enough to vote it's maybe something to consider.

blueshoes · 01/10/2016 23:44

arethe, if the children are teenagers or close to teenagers, they can do a lot of those things themselves. That is more relevant if the OP's children are in primary school. If the children were older, the SAHP won't be fully working between 3-8pm. But then again, 'work' expands to fit the time.

DilbyGlipob · 01/10/2016 23:48

The age of the DCs really is crucial here. If they're little, of course being a sahp is a full time job and you have a fair division of labour. If they're teenagers I really don't think that's the case.

It does amaze me that so many on here seem to think that doing the housework is equivalent to holding down a full time job and being solely responsible for keeping the family financially afloat.

HelenaDove · 01/10/2016 23:52

"It does amaze me that so many on here seem to think that doing the housework is equivalent to holding down a full time job and being solely responsible for keeping the family financially afloat."

So why arent more men willing to swap then!

LikelyLama · 02/10/2016 00:04

So why arent more men willing to swap then!

The same could be asked of SAHM. Why don't they swap if they don't like it? I've been a SAHM and I loved it and wouldn't have swapped unless needed for family finances. I really don't think being a SAHM is as hard in the long run as a full time job (unless extra factors such as SN or health issues) Once the kids are at school then you typically have at least six hours a day to do your chores. That's masses of time. Unless you live in a house the six of Buckingham palace then it doesn't take that long to cook, clean, shop, d the laundry and whatever else. Like I said though I KNOW that some people have other things going on that make it difficult.

There are bits of being a SAHM that are really tiring/boring/frustrating etc but on the whole it's a million times better than working.

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