DW says my claim that normal middle aged couples have sex once a week is wildly OTT

[DadSeeksWifeInstructionManual]

We're both 51 (and DS is 7). We've averaged sex about once every 3 weeks for the last 6 years. But that's only because I keep asking - otherwise it would be never happen.
She enjoys it when we get round to it, but never initiates as she's tends to get carried away with her latest book/ tv show/ marking of homework etc. (BTW I do all the shopping and cooking).

Is once a week unreasonable?

Realhousewivesofshit

sorry but your auto correct made me laugh

Who's Alex? Is he the Mumsnet gigolo?

I'm kind of sad we can't have this discussion without implying people who have low libidos are incapable of "proper" relationships.

I mean, I absolutely think that mismatched libidos is a serious issue for both partners and something that needs to be discussed. OP is entitled to feel he is not getting enough physical affection and OP's wife is entitled to live a life without being pressured into more sex. That's a sad mismatch I think they can only begin to address by talking to each other, and OP needs to decide whether he's willing to end the relationship over this. If he is, then...that's his choice and not necessarily an unfair one.

But suggesting that just because someone has a low-level natural libido and isn't particularly interested in sex, that they're somehow less capable of loving someone, or of having a fulfilling, lifelong partnership, seems cruel and unnecessary.

Omg who the fuck is Alex! I don't know am Alex I swear

Mads

Agree it's all about what suits each couple. Each yo own.

Off to find Alex now and shag him.

Mads I referred to 'proper relationship' as I was putting myself in the position of being with someone who had withdrawn completely from the sexual side of things. I didn't mean to imply that relationships with little sex aren't just as real, but for me personally it wouldn't work. We all go through peaks and troughs of sexual desire but having generally similarly matched libidos does seem to be a factor in the success of a relationship.

portia. Just had to re read the last page

Alex sounds very accommodating! Best typo ever, Real!

Bluesky there is no such thing as "obligatory sex". When I was 17 my boyfriend decided to exercise his right to "obligatory sex". He held me down and raped me. Rape. Not obligation. Rape.

I'm really sorry you had to go through that :-(
What happened to you is rape, not 'obligitory sex', no matter what he called it.

Its a far cry from someone not being hugely in the mood, but deciding to have sex because her husband is really in the mood, and she knows she'll enjoy it once it starts.

Coerced sex is rape. Sex that someone has been pressurized into (but still consents), isn't rape, but is pretty shitty unacceptable behaviour, and gives massive alarm bells.

Sex where you roll your eyes slightly and go 'go on then' isn't rape any more than your kids persuading you to buy them sweets when you hadn't wanted to, is theft.

Most people have probably had 'go one then' sex occasionally - especially when TTC, and it being on a schedule, or when work is really busy.

Anyway, I don't want to derail the thread, but in a couple of posts there has been a horrible undercurrent that if he asks for sex, he's nagging, and if he's nagging, he's a rapist. Ergo, the OP is a rapist, and I really don't see that is fair at all.

Marriage is about compromise, I don't think you are being unreasonable have you spoken to her about her lack of wanting sex?

Alex is famous now
Thing is the best sex is spontaneous, sometimes if you wake up in the night and are both sleepy and relaxed it's great. If expected that's a kind of turn off.

Surely this is like the baby issue - if one person wants a baby & the other doesn't, neither is unreasonable BUT the person who wants a baby needs to decide to accept no children & keep the relationship or move on because no one should have a baby they don't want. And no one should have sex they don't want.

It's not that OPs situation isn't distressing, or hurtful - it is. His wife should care that it hurts him. Ideally she would want to look at solutions BUT bottom line she shouldn't have sex she doesn't want. The onus is on the OP to decide if he can live with it. If he can't, neither of them are the bad guy.

Blueskyrain you put that very well.

For those who say, talk to her about it, a friend of mine hasn't had sex with her husband for 12 years. Because he says he doesn't want it, with her or anyone else. Early on, she tried to speak to him about it, but when it came to the crunch of "I would like more sex," he simply said "I wouldn't," and has refused to discuss it ever since.

She has got round this issue by having an obliging "friend with benefits". She has a comfortable life with her husband, he is a high earner and they have a nice house (this is important to her). She doesn't want to end her marriage, but equally, she doesn't want to go without sex for the rest of her life. Her DH doesn't know about her friend (they are very discreet), and she sees this as the only workable option.

"But that's only because I keep asking"
Has is dawned on you that she may only be doing it those times to shut u and ur incessant 'asking' up.
How can u even enjoy sex that you've had to pester your wife to get?!
Poor woman

Then schaudenfraude I think she is out of order and just using her husband for his money. As if it wasn't for his money it sounds like she would have left. Whilst he should talk about it, i think that's completely unfair on him. Also if it's a long term fwb AKA an affair then they are probably somewhat emotionally attached also. She sounds vile

MrsSchadenfreude Well an old friend of mine now moved away and lost touch with said one rather well oiled evening that his wife had refused him nooike for some 5 years and as their marriage was fine otherwise and he wanted to keep the family together he decided that he'd employ a fill in i.e. escort or prostitute.

So now he has his paid for sex and he has never discussed it with her but he's sure she knows as he no longer pesters her for a bit so all is seemingly well!.

The 'friends with benefits' solution is a possible one, but if anyone goes down that route, I'd only think it was acceptable if all parties had agreed to it. If someone truly doesn't want sex, its a way of taking it off the table, but it would hugely change the dynamics of things. I think doing it behind anyone's back is wrong.

Sorry but I'm imagining a spreadsheet being kept with dates and times

Similar sort of age to you guys and have sex probably 6 days out of 7 and occasionally twice in the same day.

However when I was married previously, we only it probably once every couple of months, it was me that didn't want to as he was a total loser!

Goes to show, it's normally the relationship and not the person

It's just all so horribly lacking in spontaneity. The OP is turning sex into a chore - no wonder she's bored and uninterested! Just leave her be and let her come (excuse the pun) to you. By giving her statistics and pressuring her, you will get nowhere, Mr Manual (ugh). It shouldn't be another 'job' on what I imagine is a fairly long list. Sex should be fun!

portia. Post-it notes - "don't forget, DS is at Cubs on Friday and 8:30pm is sex time. Hope you put it in your diary"

cavkc. Exactly. Do wish posters blaming the wife might bear this in mind.

Louisville, the same thing could be said of a lot of women, and probably some men. They enjoy each other's company, but as friends. There is no intimacy at all. She feels that as they are both in their 50s, they can live with this arrangement. She did tell him that if he wasn't up for sex, she would "sort herself out". If he interpreted this to mean the occasional wank or a new vibrator, that was up to him.