DW says my claim that normal middle aged couples have sex once a week is wildly OTT

[DadSeeksWifeInstructionManual]

We're both 51 (and DS is 7). We've averaged sex about once every 3 weeks for the last 6 years. But that's only because I keep asking - otherwise it would be never happen.
She enjoys it when we get round to it, but never initiates as she's tends to get carried away with her latest book/ tv show/ marking of homework etc. (BTW I do all the shopping and cooking).

Is once a week unreasonable?

However it's unreasonable to withhold sex unless there are medical reasons, either mental or physical or exhaustion.

WTAF??? So a person has to allow their partner to use their body, even if they don't want to unless they have a 'good' excuse?? Really??

Being coerced into sex is a major passion killer.
Being coerced into sex is a crime and it's called RAPE.

I'd be concerned if we had got that infrequent. It would indicate a growing apart. The intimacy of sex is the glue of much that is good about our couple.

I'd be concerned if we had got that infrequent. It would indicate a growing apart. The intimacy of sex is the glue of much that is good about our couple.

It's so so sad to see so many labelling wanting sex as negative thing or as a power struggle. It's not a bad thing to want or enjoy sex.

How come there's a thread in relationships where the woman wants more sex, and the response is that the man is being emotionally abusive by withholding sex.

Double standards much...

Blimey do you have to get a Doctor's note now if you don't fancy sex?

It's not bad to want or enjoy sex. It IS bad to coerce someone else into having sex they don't want.

Sparrow hawk - it's right there in the marriage vows.

It's normal/ reasonable to have sex whenever both partners want to. If they don't both want to, it's not normal to do it.

It's not normal to have sex to any kind of routine/schedule or in order to please just one partner.

The sentence that others have quoted re "medical reasons" etc is really shocking.

Agree in particular that a man nagging, wheedling etc for sex is completely off putting and a massive turn off. Yuk.

And I also agree that cooking and shopping has nothing to do with it.

Your choices are to :

1. treat your partner with some respect and realise that sex is a choice on every occasion. Stop nagging for sex. Wait for some encouragement or indication that she is in the mood.

1. Get divorced.

Divorce is always an option if you don't like the way the other partner is behaving and is completely reasonable. Trying to pressure another person into changing their behaviour isn't.

HTH

Besides being tired or unwell or the kids still being up, my top reason for not wanting sex was feeling unloved
And taken for granted. And the gap between sex just got wider. His reasoning was that he needed sex to feel loved. I needed love to want sex. Now I'm single, and dont have any sex, but I'm not bothered in the slightest for the simple reason I have no desire at all without a meaningful relationship.

Blueskyrain I know this is the most sexiest thing I've seen in a while! Women saying 'ugh' about sex with their husband... imagine the uproar if a man said that!

It wouldn't be enough for me.

We're about your age. I'd hate it if dh wanted sex just once every three weeks tbh.

I don't think there's any "normal" amount to have sex. But there really is nothing less sexy than feeling obligated and pressured to have sex because your husband expects it once a week. I couldn't cope with a sexless marriage, but once every 3 weeks is not a sexless marriage.

Often by the point these threads are started the couple in question is beyond talking sadly. Or never got in the habit. Etc. But that's the only solution.

I'm aware DH wants more than me and I'm aware that has the potential to produce tension. My major worry is I can't be cuddly without him being disappointed it's not leading anywhere. But we are talking, and I have some pretty major body image issues (colostomy, horrendous scarring) and he understands.

If you can't then there's not so much of a sex problem but a communication problem. And for that I think counselling is really essential.

"Withholding sex" as I imagine it is being discussed on the relationship board, is likely a different matter to just not wanting it, as the OP is discussing.

"Withholding" sex or affection or conversation can be used as a tool in a general pattern of abuse, to try to coerce the other person. There is no evidence or suggestion her that the OP's DW is trying to control him by not having sex, just that she doesn't want to as often as he does.

She gets caught up in marking homework? Yes, the kids homework is so utterly fucking thrilling that women up and down the country just lose hours in it. What you mean is 'she's knackered working and sortingvthe kids out.'
You do all the shopping and cooking? Jolly good, it's a house you live in, do you need a medal? The shopping and cooking is a small part of family maintenance- the homework marking, laundry, uniform washing, cleaning, remembering to have correct stuff in book bags etc is a lot of work.

There are few things less likely to get a woman's juices going than being sulked at or pestered for sex.

Talk to her ffs. The amount of sex 'average' couples have is neither here nor there. What were you thinking? You'd pop bAck with a poll and say 'actually darling my exhaustive research says average is 3.5 times a week so knickers off!'

You are not owed sex. Talk to your wife like an adult human and work it out respectfully

AndNowItsSeven theres nothing in the marriage vows about having sex every week:
From the Church of England website:
I, (name), take you, (name)
to be my wife/husband,
to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death us do part,
according to God’s holy law.
In the presence of God I make this vow.

The reason he probably mentions housework is because as soon as a guy here complains about lack of sex, everyone assumes he's saton his backside eating grapes whilst she skivvies away, and that he's being a dick. One of the common things said is that he should do a lot more in the house to give her time to relax - he's just pointing out he does this.

I'd hate to be married to most of the women on this thread (I am a woman), husbands should be a turn on, not a turn off. It's very depressing.

Seven - what's there in the marriage vows?

OdinsLoveChild unfortunately your point is invalid as gods holy law (boke) includes conjugal rights...

Stop pestering, have a conversation about it, if it doesn't get better then leave.

Soubriquet, do you know how utterly depressing it is when you want more sex, that it is only ever you who initiates it, and your husband constantly rejects you? It works both ways. If I waited for some indication that he was in the mood, my fanny would have sealed up years ago.

He can try if he is that desperate but we have a safe word and he immediately backs off

I will "help" him if he really needs a release but if I am not in the mood why should I be?