DW says my claim that normal middle aged couples have sex once a week is wildly OTT

[DadSeeksWifeInstructionManual]

We're both 51 (and DS is 7). We've averaged sex about once every 3 weeks for the last 6 years. But that's only because I keep asking - otherwise it would be never happen.
She enjoys it when we get round to it, but never initiates as she's tends to get carried away with her latest book/ tv show/ marking of homework etc. (BTW I do all the shopping and cooking).

Is once a week unreasonable?

I'd be really quite bored having sex with the same person 3 or 4 days a week, year in, year out.

There is of course the thrill of a new partner, and that's great fun. I suppose you could bounce from one to the next chasing that buzz throughout life, nothing inherently wrong with that. But when you are totally in tune with one another it's something else altogether, and it only comes from years of learning each other.

It is a different kind of sex altogether. In the nicest possible way, you've obviously never experienced this, or you wouldn't make that comment.

Ooooh!!! I have done a fair bit of bouncing....
Actually, I have had a couple of very real, proper grown up long relationships, with lovely sex. Im in one right now as it happens. I still don't think we'll be doing it 4 times a week in 15 years time. Which is fine, because when we do do it it will still be good.

I've done some bouncing myself. Nothing compares, but it was definitely exciting and fun at the time!

Has she been always like this about sex or were you enjoying more when you first met.?. No. Once a week is certainly not unreasonable. But Ffs, stop asking her, have a serious chat with her instead about what you are thinking and explain to her maybe how it's affecting you and then maybe you can start doing what suits you both, I firmly believe that there are some people who want relationships, but they only want them on their own terms. This isn't fair and doesn't cut it. Both of you have to get something out of the relationship. You don't have a sexless marriage, just mismatched sex drives by the sound of it. If things don't improve for you, I suppose you need to consider whether or not this whole thing is a deal breaker for you. Good luck.

• And just to clarify I won't be entering into any side discussions with anyone over what my thoughts are to the OP. I will only answer him. Thanks.

i would have thought around the time of the menopause once every 3 weeks is good

Er people still have libidos over 40 you know! I would be crawling the walls with that little sex and I am 50.

Much more fun when kids have moved on, more money and more time for each other.

If you find frequent sex with the same person boring you need to spice things up a bit with role play or sex toys.

Sex isn't just for the youngsters you know it gets far far better with age.

She's initiated twice in ten years?

In that case, if you've let it slide for ten years, I imagine it's quite reasonable for her to think this is your normal and that there's no issue.

Have you discussed it? Not in a you initiate-she refuses-you say 'why are you never up for it' way.... in a calm way when fully dressed and sex not on the cards anyway.

Just gonna put this out there, in response to all the outrage on the OP's behalf:

Maybe she just doesn't fancy him any more.

If that is the case, they have some serious decisions to make. It certainly makes for an unhappy situation. But some posters suggesting she's abnormal for not wanting it more often, clearly haven't considered this.

Not sure any one would post that irshould if a woman had posted.

He just may not fancy you is harsh. Might be true but harsh

Yes, it is harsh. But so are suggestions that the wife is somehow 'abnormal'. We know very little about their relationship dynamic, only what the OP has told us (and unsurprisingly, like many OPs in AIBU, regardless of their gender) has painted himself as some sort of angelic victim.

I'm not that young real housewives!
I just meant that, in the experience of women I know hoping thru it, menopause can affect your hormones and libido.
I'm not bored with frequent sex with my current partner, just speculating that I can't imagine keeping up this frequency for decades. I shan't be getting out the nipple clamps just yet!

Agree, she just might not fancy him. It happens.

*Going thru it

What ifnotnowthen says is good advice. Don't talk about your sexual needs OP make her fancy you more by being more like the man she met.

And if she doesn't find him attractive and says so, then he should try to rip her to shreds as advised on MN when anyone is criticised

Sorry, but his username really fucking grates on me...

Guess it's perfectly defendable in the world of MN, though.

My oh is 54 I'm 50. 3-4 times seems normal to us.
You need to make time for each other, feel special not being a wife/mother father provider daily.
Your missing the couple bit but you've wasted time. Start dating each other again or you'll be 60 years old & living separate lives.

Yanbu. It's perfectly normal to want more sex if you have a higher sex drive. It's not acceptable to force or coerce your wife to do it more than she wants. I am not unsympathetic. Dh and I have struggled with our sexual relationship the past 5 years. I would like it 2/3 times a week,he prefers once every couple of weeks. We have recently seperated and this was certainly a contributing factor.

I can't believe someone's said it's "unreasonable to withhold sex". What a ridiculous and predatory thing to say.

Someone can withhold sex if they want, and certainly no one should feel pressurised into sex, but if someone wants to permanently withhold sex they have to accept that it's effectively the death knell for a proper relationship.

It's called intimacy for a reason. Honestly, there's a lot in your post about practical arrangements and facts, and a lot about not enough sex, yet absolutely zero about the relationship, and what you like about her as a person, and what interests you may share, and what you do together as a couple to ensure you have a relationship that's more than flatmates who run a creche.

If she isn't very into sex, then maybe think about what drew you together, and what aspects to who you used to be as a couple made you want to shag like bunny rabbits. My husband and I don't shag much because we have a disabled kid who needs adult care through the night, and I realised a year ago I am terrified of another pregnancy. DH has had the snip and we try to go out together every couple of weeks or so and not to talk at all about the kids or anything practical - talk about a movie, or a book, or current events. Like we did as students when we got together.

I don't want to sleep with the guy who comes home from work, helps bathe the kids, sits on the laptop till bed. But I do want to sleep with the grownup version of the student I fell in love with, and rrying to make sure I remember he is under there is something we have to make time for. Have you tried that - tried to establish space and time together to keep the connection going, rather than slots to fuck in?

I would love to hear your wife's side of this situation. Actually I'm not about to give details of my intimate life on a public forum to an anonymous person and I suggest you ask your wife why she doesn't want sex.

itshould

Op you need to talk don't you. Good luck and hope you get this resolved as it must be difficult.

It's totally reasonably to have Alex when you want to and not when you want to. Actually that's the law isn't it?

However couples need to be on the same page generally or it's difficult to see a relationship working

Jess I agree,

OP, that's a very difficult position for both of you, neither of you are getting what you want in such an important aspect of a relationship.

Speaking from experience, resolve it soon or plan to move on/apart. Tough, but that's what you both have to do. You'll both be miserable otherwise.

It varies, but only once per week would just not be acceptable to me (or my DH I think). Things vary, but we both consciously make an effort to accommodate the other.