DW says my claim that normal middle aged couples have sex once a week is wildly OTT

[DadSeeksWifeInstructionManual]

We're both 51 (and DS is 7). We've averaged sex about once every 3 weeks for the last 6 years. But that's only because I keep asking - otherwise it would be never happen.
She enjoys it when we get round to it, but never initiates as she's tends to get carried away with her latest book/ tv show/ marking of homework etc. (BTW I do all the shopping and cooking).

Is once a week unreasonable?

Good luck OP. The menopause can last for years, but HRT can help alleviate a lot of the symptoms. There's no real need to suffer.

This thread has been a real eye opener and some of the responses have just been staggering.

user it has also been argued that women in their forties are better paired sexually with men in their early twenties. An older man isn't necessarily as fertile as he was when he was younger, and I don't know if you're aware of this, but 'older' sperm can often be the cause of congenital defects.

'It's inate' . You going to remind yourself of that charming turm of phrase when you hit the menopause and DP fucks you over for a younger model? Jeesh.

Arf - there are an awful lot of women on this thread, saying exactly that - they don't see it as a problem if there is no sex, because that is what they want, and their other half just has to put up with it.

Arf. That's something to look forward to in another couple of years....

Mrs. I've not seen any 'put up and shut up' posts. I've seen posts from many women who are genuinely curious as to what is going on here. Several have expressed that they didn't have sex with their ex partners very often, because they were unhappy with them, but now have fulfilling sex lives with new partners. Others have discussed mismatched libido. What has made me cross is the women coming (scuse the pun) and declaring how thrilling their own sex lives are, while insinuating the OPs wife is somehow abnormal or cruel.

But that might also be because I haven't had a shag in a while...

HRT is only recommended very short term, or for those with low risks for cancer and heart disease. Most women just suffer the symptoms.
But low or no libido is not a symptom that needs alievating. If you don't want to have sex, don't have it.

"But low or no libido is not a symptom that needs alievating. If you don't want to have sex, don't have it."

I think this is the nub of the issue. In a mismatched libido relationship there is no "fault". It's just what it is. If the high drive partner doesn't like it they have the option to leave (as does anyone in any relationship).

Talking about it beforehand is all well and good, it may not necessarily fix the problem, but hopefully it should help the outcome if the relationship subsequently doesn't last. If she doesn't want to talk though, not much you can do except put up and shut up. Maybe she's hoping the relationship will last until there is a better time to split? Talking about it could jeopardise the status quo and force an end to an otherwise stable family. Splitting up is not something that many of us would be happy with when children are young, but potentially easier to deal with after they've grown up?

I don't know, just a couple of thoughts that I've had anyway.

I think the problems arise when libidos which have been well matched or at least appeared to be then go off in different directions.

Someone mentioned their friend

'a friend of mine hasn't had sex with her husband for 12 years. Because he says he doesn't want it, with her or anyone else. Early on, she tried to speak to him about it, but when it came to the crunch of "I would like more sex," he simply said "I wouldn't," and has refused to discuss it ever since.'

To me that refusal to even speak about it would be on a par with someone cheating on me. Perhaps even worse as with cheating it's a sharp short shock that you can move on from (or not) but with this kind of behaviour it's a slow pain. Wishing your life away hoping things will improve. Just cruel.

I'm not sure why sex can't be like any other give and take/ compromise in a marriage. It seems to have this holy grail of 'If I don't want it, I shouldn't do it.' Why not? It is really selfish to say, "I don't want sex so tough." Why should the high-drive partner have to leave (and look terrible) because the other one can't be bothered to have sex every so often?

Get on with it, with some lube. You may even enjoy it once you get going. If you don't - well at least you made your partner happy, and was it really that bad?

You're brave MerryMarigold, I'll give you that!

But no, I don't want to have sex with my wife without her wanting have sex with me. It's humiliating. And if I'm honest, it may as well be rape.

"Get on with it, with some lube. You may even enjoy it once you get going. If you don't - well at least you made your partner happy, and was it really that bad?"

REALLY??

As KeepIt says, who wants to have sex on someone who doesn't want that sex?

"I'm not sure why sex can't be like any other give and take/ compromise in a marriage."

Because having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you is sexual assault/rape.

Getting your partner to put the bins out or cook tea when they don't want to is not a criminal offence.

OP have a look at : www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2640701--to-be-considering-leaving?pg=1

It's been posted by a woman so interesting the responses on there in contrast to the ones on here. You may be able to gleam some useful information.

I do all the shopping and cooking

How is that relevant? Unless you think that's supposed to be sexy?! Might be where things have gone wrong if so.....

"How is that relevant?"

It may have been a pre-emptive "help out more with the domestic chores" argument? A demonstration that he pulls his weight in the household.

Arf - there are an awful lot of women on this thread, saying exactly that - they don't see it as a problem if there is no sex, because that is what they want, and their other half just has to put up with it.

Are there? I admit I may have forgotten some posts or missed some out, but I don't recall reading any saying this.

totally. Yeah, I missed those posts as well...

That was the message that came across to me from some of the earlier posts, yes.

keepithidden oh, sort of like prostitution then.... trading sex as a commodity - the basis of all happy marriages!

The OP has made it very clear that he is a wonderfully supportive husband who not only does the shopping and cooking, but constantly tells his wife how special she is, fully engages with childcare and housework and is completely in tune with all her needs.

Oh yeah, he also regularly works out, including doing 'burpies'. He even sorts his slightly vague missus out when she buggered up an HMRC online transaction. He is, in other words (or virtually his own words) perfect.

So he's hot, an amazing dad and ideal husband. But wife doesn't want sex....

If there was a sceptical emoji, I'd finish this post with a whole row of the buggers.

Fenella - Not really, more of operating as a partnership (in terms of stuff that needs doing at home) as expected by both participants in an equal marriage. i.e. the utopian coupledom we're all searching for!

I didn't think I mentioned any exchange of household chores for sex, but if that's your interpretation, then yes, sort of like prostitution.

Not sure which angle OP is gunning for on this one, I was just putting across a slightly more charitable take on it.

ItShouldOfBeenJess - There is a sceptical emoji -

keep. In that case.....

I think you have been very charitable. I don't want to be sceptical, but he has gone to some lengths to portray himself as completely desirable and a to-die-for husband, while conveying his wife as a little scatty and rather self-obsessed. It's not a terribly balanced picture for me.

But then I guess I've been one of the 'shouty ones' on this thread so I will zip it and wish both he and his wife the very best. Here's to hoping they get it resolved