DW says my claim that normal middle aged couples have sex once a week is wildly OTT

[DadSeeksWifeInstructionManual]

We're both 51 (and DS is 7). We've averaged sex about once every 3 weeks for the last 6 years. But that's only because I keep asking - otherwise it would be never happen.
She enjoys it when we get round to it, but never initiates as she's tends to get carried away with her latest book/ tv show/ marking of homework etc. (BTW I do all the shopping and cooking).

Is once a week unreasonable?

I dont hate sex I hate being groped and being asked how about it though

Peri menopause can make your libido fall off a cliff. That's a truth no one likes to talk about. Some women just totally lose interest.

OP if you've been in 10 relationships since you were 16 and have three children you need to try and understand a partners libido

Incidentally why do you think its remotely appropriate/romantic or desirable for you to expect sex once a week? What does your wife want? Shouldn't it be about what yo both would like?

Yes of course it should be about what we both want. But even though she likes sex, in her opinion it's NOT important in a relationship.
She likes reading/ sleeping/ watching telly/ talking to her friends/ playing with our son much more. So she devotes all her spare hours to those things and will only consider a suggestion of sex if she doesn't have a book to read, isn't tired, there's nothing on Netflix (!), there's no marking to do, etc.
Metaphorically speaking, and at the risk of sounding flippant or getting flamed again - she doesn't mind drinking lager but she loves drinking wine, and if there's always wine, then why would she ever bother to drink a lager?

(I've been on the go 19 hours now and the old brain is hurting, so I'm going to get some sleep).

www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/

For some people (myself included) sex isn't important or a priority. It's hard when a partner prioritizes and places a lot of importance on something when you don't. It's unsustainable in the long term. Having to do something more often than you want to makes the thing a chore and makes a person less likely to want it at all.

I'm not a sexual person and while sex is nice, it's not something I think about very often. Once a month to once every few months would be enough for me. Once a week would stress me out as I don't have that high a desire for sex. It's got nothing to do with how I feel about the other person, but how I feel about the activity.

Maybe try to think about her position on it by thinking about something that you enjoy doing with her on occasion but wouldn't be interested in doing more frequently. Maybe you like to go and see a film once a month but would not enjoy going once a week or more than once a week.

Maybe try to think about her position on it by thinking about something that you enjoy doing with her on occasion but wouldn't be interested in doing more frequently. Maybe you like to go and see a film once a month but would not enjoy going once a week or more than once a week.

I understand what you are saying here on one level but on another this is absolutely not a true analogy. If your spouse said to you "well I'll go watch films with my friend instead" you'd be fine with it. But I doubt you'd be fine with your spouse having sex with a friend instead because it isn't a priority for you.

The truth is that infidelity is usually defined as sexual infidelity (yes I've read all the posts about emotional affairs - most of them involve some sexual stuff). Most people who post on here about husbands having affairs are deeply deeply wounded by the betrayal and find it immensely hard to stay in the marriage. That is because sex isn't like going to the cinema.

The way I look at it is sex is the one thing I do with my husband that I don't do with anyone else. I talk to my friends about my problems. I reach out to people about issues we are having with our children. I enjoy loads of activities with other people. None of these add up to the relationship I have with dh but I do all of these things - confide, support, laugh, enjoy activities, etc with various other people in my life. I also love other people - friends, relatives etc. even if it is a different type of love. The one thing I will only do with dh is sex. That makes it important to me and to our relationship.

I am similar age to OP. We have sex as often as we want. Probably 1-2-3 times a week. most accurate is one give or take one. If 3 weeks went by because of travel etc we wouldn't be bothered but if it was only every 3 weeks we would both be very bothered by it. If I could only have sex with my husband by asking him once a week and scoring one in three, I would not be happy and not feel loved or wanted. I also can't imagine prioritising a book or a film over having a chat/cuddle/sex with my husband, even on one night out of the week. It sounds, frankly, like she is just not that into you, OP.

Don't know where you go from here but I think there is more going on with this relationship than the sex.

From what I heard when women go through their change they get dry down their. Invest in some jelly it will help the whole experience. My partner is older than me and he has older friends that is what I have heard.

this is absolutely not a true analogy
furthermore nothing is really strongly analogous with sex...yet we persist in trying to make arguments by analogy

mismatched libidos, its a tricky one, I dont think there is a mutually acceptable compromise?

Have you discussed seeking sex outside the marriage? As you say, she's not especially interested.

Yes some women lose libido during the peri menopause. This includes women who have been very interested in sex before the peri menopause.Not something that is talked about much.

Maybe they should just discuss their lack of a sex life first, eh Jacquetta?!

There is a lot of dishonesty about sex in long term relationships. People like to infer they have 'healthy' sex lives (whatever healthy is) but in reality a lot of long term relationships are characterised by little or no regular sex.

There is no right amount to have sex nor should there be any question of trying to do what the "average" couple does. Who cares what anyone else does?

Maybe they should just discuss their lack of a sex life first

He said he's tried, but she doesn't want to discuss it. If someone doesn't want that conversation, there's not much you can do about that.

I honestly don't think there is a satisfactory answer to mismatched libidos.

Just gonna point out this:

How often do married couples really have sex?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1233627-How-often-do-married-couples-really-have-sex

is almost exactly the same thread but the replies are probably more to what the OP was looking for, instead of comments about his name, he may be unattractive, shit in bed, should do more housework, stop nagging etc

Op - I think Blueskytrain and Anythingmcanyface are worth a listen to. Though I wouldn't go down the road of FWB as that would adultery regardless of any arrangement in place with a partner.

@HuskyLover - well done on having an active sex life. Why does this give you carte blanche, however, to advise everyone else what they ought to be doing? The only thing that matters is that both parties are content with the situation or reach some kind of compromise. Relationships do change over time, and so do libidos and some have never been very sexual to start with. DH and I only had sex once or twice a week when we first got together 20 years ago because that was fine for us- I was happy to have sex more often than that but he doesn't have a high sex drive newsflash Some men don't. We have sex a lot less than that now in our 40s and when we do it's very nice- quality not quantity. The important thing for us is that we are best friends and have a laugh together and in spite of what life throws at you, love and like each other very much, which is more than you can say for a lot of couples who fancy each other but, if they are honest, don't really like one another otherwise!

To a PP, my DH is a teacher & we have a good sex life, so I don't think that is the reason you are only having sex in the school holidays,. If you have both happy, fine, but being a teacher does't have to mean a sex famine.

OP, you are in a difficult position as you and your DW are on a different page about sex. You see it as a priority, while she sees it as an option. FWIW, I am more of your view, but that is not helpful as I am not your wife!

Straight talking is required, I think. Your child is young, so you still have an active parenting role, but as he gets older I think this will become more, not less of an issue. Certainly, our sex life increased as the children got older and I would hope for a long and happy marriage when the children have left home that definitely includes sex.

I would suggest you talk about this outside the bedroom, perhaps your DW has issues or concerns you are not aware of? Communication is your only hope here.

I hate it when people flippantly speak of 'looking elsewhere '

Presumably that doesn't apply if the partner has an illness or a long term condition ? Yuk

Dad, I'm definitely on the edge of menopausal and I am in your position. I would love it if me and my partner had more sex. It happens about once every two to three months and that makes me really sad. I have talked and talked to him about this but there is no answer. I know he loves me and he is very affectionate and supportive. I can't make him feel bad about this though. I think you have to accept your situation for what it is.

In the peri meno phase I was insatiable, post meno I can't really be arsed, sex went from top of my list of priorities, to about number 50
I just hardly ever feel the urge and find the whole business a little distasteful😷
Its been a complete volte face😱

Hormones innit😒

This is going to be my last post. But before I continue, I'm not trying to portray myself as some sort of a victim here, and I'm not trying to pour scorn on DW. Our relationship is what it is and I'm just trying to figure out whether I can happily live with it.

The questions raised by other posters have gone way beyond what I anticipated and I'm not comfortable with answering some of them - but since I opened this can of worms I hope the following address most of the themes raised…

To recap, previously I posted:
Wow, thanks for all the responses (even the vitriolic ones).

Just to clarify:
1) On the subject of "Pestering" - DW has initiated sex only twice in the last 10 years (both times when she was very drunk) so if I didn't ask then it would almost NEVER happen.
I'm not clear as to how I can initiate sex without asking, but I don't ask every day or anything like that, and in fact I've stopped asking at all now.

2) I didn't mention the shopping and cooking as implying some sort of "entitlement", I was merely second-guessing some responses, because I've heard many people say that by the time they've done a full day's work and all the evening chores they're too tired for anything else.

3) "Once a week" was not my demand, it's just a figure I've seen bandied about in the press. I would just like to have sex more often than we do and I would really appreciate not having to do all the chasing. But when I've tried to have conversations with her about our relationship she refuses to discuss it.

4) Since I'm no longer asking at all; to those of you who say I should stop "bothering" her - if no sex happens in the future, are you suggesting I should just accept that, shrug my shoulders and carry on?

Also:
Sorry for silence - work & childcare took up a lot of time today, and then I had to sort out a crisis when DW decided to respond to a phishing email purporting to be from HMRC and gave away all her banking and personal details to an internet scammer.

There are a lot of questions that I wasn't expecting so it's going to take a while to wade through them.

Also, apologies if my Username isn't as lighthearted as I thought it was.

In the meantime, my thinking when I posted this message was this:
I've been in 10 steady relationships in the last 35 years, ranging from 8 months to 13 years (and I have two other children).
This relationship has been 10 years.
All previous relationships ended amicably, sex was never an issue and I never had to ask for it.
Which got me wondering whether the current situation is simply the way things are when you're in a relationship with someone in their 40s & early '50s. I just trying to understand whether our frequency of sex is typical at this age or not. But clearly the way I asked the question stirred up a hornet's nest.

My remaining answers are as follows:

Communication is key - talk to her - what is holding her back?
I've tried to talk to her on many occasions, but the conversation is generally one-sided. I am completely frank with her and she knows she can asking me anything and get an honest answer, but she doesn't ask.
She works as a teacher 4 days a week and the only thing she will concede is that if she didn't have to work then things would be different. This I find hard to believe given that on the 200+ days she isn't at work (days off, weekends, holidays), her attitude doesn't change at all - she just does more reading/ sleeping etc. Besides, replacing her income is not something I can do easily.

Have you tried sitting down and saying I love you, but I'm unhappy and we really need to discuss this. Ignoring it is harming our marriage. Please have this conversation with me.
Yes. but to no avail because she doesn't agree that there is any problem.

Does she still find you attractive?
As far as I know - if I thought that she didn’t I probably wouldn't have posted. I haven't changed much in the last 10 years (physically or temperamentally) and she knew me for 20 years before we became a couple. Like most men my age I could probably do with losing a stone, but I row 10K every day and do 20 mins of press up, chin ups, burpees. Also I walk 40 mins a day taking DS to and from school. So I'm physically very fit, strong and healthy.

You wouldn't want to have sex with someone who didn't want to have sex with you. So it doesn't really matter what anyone else does, does it?
Sadly, it looks like this is where things are going to end up.

Have you asked her if she'd like to make a regular date for doing it, then you won't be asking her and you can both look forward to it?
Tried that. It lasted for two dates and then decided it was too much pressure.

Stop bloody asking
I have - about a month ago. Pretty sure very little will happen at all now. She asks for a kiss on the forehead once a day, and a quick cuddle maybe once every 3 days.

Do you spend time together just being together, enjoin one another's company without pressuring your wife for sex?
Yes, every evening (for at least an hour) and most weekends.

Stop asking. Be nice to her, listen to her, encourage going to bed before you're both exhausted, kiss for the sake of kissing her - not hoping it'll lead to something else. Hold her hand. Hug. Cuddle on the sofa when you're watching TV.
Yes, we do all that, but she goes to bed before she's too tired only so she can read her latest book. Sex would mean she didn't have time to read.

Intimacy is about much more than the actual act of sex. It's cuddling, it's laughing together, it's sharing your thoughts, your dreams. Are you doing this OP? ...Make time together without pressuring her. Give her a massage, a foot rub, talk to her. Watch a film together. Take her out.
Yes, I do all that – but because I want to and it makes her happy; not because I have an ulterior motive.

She gets caught up in marking homework? Yes, the kids homework is so utterly fucking thrilling that women up and down the country just lose hours in it. What you mean is 'she's knackered working and sortingvthe kids out.'
You do all the shopping and cooking? Jolly good, it's a house you live in, do you need a medal? The shopping and cooking is a small part of family maintenance- the homework marking, laundry, uniform washing, cleaning, remembering to have correct stuff in book bags etc. is a lot of work.
No I'm not looking for a medal, but just to be clear, I work mainly from home. Because of that she thinks that I should incorporate all of the daily chores (breakfast making for everyone, school run, washing up, laundry, shopping, cooking, making appointments, recycling, etc.) into my daily routine; which I do - it just means I have to get up at 5:30 and go to bed at 11:30.
Her daily household chores are to make her own packed lunch (I used to do this as well but I don't have enough time now), help DS with his homework and read him a bedtime story (I would love to read him a story but I can't be in two places at once).
Also she does the ironing and dusting once a week.
We share the hoovering, cleaning, gardening etc.

You haven't answered any questions about the rest of your lives together - are you happy apart from this issue?
Yes. We could always do with more money, more holiday etc. just like most other people…

If she told you no sex ever again, what would you do?
Reluctantly I would probably leave.

In a couple, if a man wants sex and a woman doesn't, it's often because the man is a bad lover.
Not that I thinks it's particularly relevant to my original question, but (and I assume this is the case for most couples) she usually really enjoys sex when we eventually get around to it. Most of the time she climaxes 1 or more times, and occasionally she "goes off the boil" because she's thinking about work and other unrelated things or she's a bit too tired. The only real issue is that quite often she comes really quickly and I don't even get a chance to get started (which is quite frustrating).

Have you thought of spicing it up op? Role play, fantasy, etc.?
It's not like it gets into a routine when it only happens a few times a year. Besides she's very prudish and doesn't like losing her self-control for more than a few seconds.

Have you read up on the menopause OP. It can have a dramatic effect on sex drives. I think you need to be a bit more understanding here.
This is the sort of non-obvious (to a man) idea that I hadn't considered. But (and please forgive my naivety here) does menopause last for 6 years or more?

Just for info, when approaching the menopause, hormonal contraception can be a problem for libido. I didn't realise I was menopausal at 47 and my contraception (hormonal IUD) was messing me up... Then the lack of sleep and dryness associated with menopause reversed that for a while...
Thanks, this could be a factor.

Thanks for all your responses. Even the shouty ones have given me many more perspectives than I could have figured out for myself.

Even the shouty ones

Well, good luck OP. The menopause may certainly be a factor. Just be kind to one another. I hope you can resolve this.

PS consider a different username next time

This is why men seek younger women. It is inate.
For all the reasons, all the excuses, it is impossible to argue with nature.