DW says my claim that normal middle aged couples have sex once a week is wildly OTT

[DadSeeksWifeInstructionManual]

We're both 51 (and DS is 7). We've averaged sex about once every 3 weeks for the last 6 years. But that's only because I keep asking - otherwise it would be never happen.
She enjoys it when we get round to it, but never initiates as she's tends to get carried away with her latest book/ tv show/ marking of homework etc. (BTW I do all the shopping and cooking).

Is once a week unreasonable?

Op - come back and post as a woman in a sex starved relationship

true true...and is once very 3 weeks sex starved?

lostin3dspace Are you me?
I agree with the posters who have said your libidos sound different, and men want sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved and valued to want sex.
I am 50, and I can say my menopause symptoms, general disappointment in my aging body (and DH's too) and a recent situation which left me feeling seriously undervalued by DH made me totally disinterested in any sex for some time. Desire came back after a while but is very fragile and easily killed off by knowing my DC are still up/might be listening / I feel tired etc. One of our children is very hard to find a babysitter for so that has made it difficult. However I know I will feel in the mood when we manage to get away for a night or a weekend and can have a nice talk and not be dashing about looking after young children at our age.
A friend of mine has recently had a loft conversion and secretly told me it is in order to have more sex! She and her husband now have a floor to themselves & get more privacy from their kids who range in age from 20 down to 4. As she got older she found their presence in the next room(s) more and more of a total passion-killer.

Good luck OP.

Flying Elbows, by sex, I don't necessarily mean bog standard PIV, but sexual activity in a wider sense.

I find the idea that love can go 'beyond sex' slightly baffling TBH. Sex shouldn't be the be all and end all, but you can't love someone do much you don't want sex with them.

I.think in marrying someone, and expecting (reasonably) exclusivity, you each have w responsibility to try to fulfil each other sexually - as they aren't going to be getting it anywhere else. So finding the reason behind a low sex drive, and trying to find a balance where you are both happy sounds the fairest thing to me.

I don't know - I think if you go into a marriage having sex regularly and then suddenly your partner isn't interested and it goes from 3-4 times a week to once a month, it must be quite upsetting.

I would certainly feel pretty rejected if OH stopped showing interest in sex and only wanted it once a month, and even then, only if I initiated. If both partners are happy with it, that's all well and good, but I think mismatched sex drives can cause massive problems long-term.

I do find it interesting that OP is being told he's disgusting and unappealing for wanting for sex, but on threads where it's the wife wanting more, she's given nothing but advice and sympathy

and is once very 3 weeks sex starved?

Depends on the couple. For me personally, really yes!!

Normal, middle class, eh. You'd be getting no sex from me just for that stupid premise on which you base your argument.

The only one who matters here, as far as sex and consent to sexual activity,p is concerned, is your wife. There is absolutely no obligation to have sex and what you need to work out is a) why she doesn't want it - is it a case of this is where her natural libido lies, or is there another reason or reasons why she isn't wanting it with you and b) if there's anything you can do to make her feel open to more sex with you.

Very big hint: the thing you can do does not usually involve 'spicing things up' or any number of ways men often think they're going to get more. Usually it involves something like doing your fair share of housework on a daily or weekly basis and/or much more of the child rearing (including the shitwork that no one particularly likes doing) and taking part in the general responsibility for the overall running of the household. If you have young children it involves making sure she has plenty of time to herself so that she isn't constantly 'touched out' and so she doesn't completely lose who she was before she became 'mum' and making sure she gets a lie in at least once a week.

If it's really just that this is where her libido naturally lies then you will have to think carefully about whether or not you are happy with this amount of sex within the overall workings of the relationship. Because she absolutely shouldn't be made to feel as if she owes you sex that she does not willingly want to participate in.

Just for info, when approaching the menopause, hormonal contraception can be a problem for libido. I didn't realise I was menopausal at 47 and my contraception (hormonal IUD) was messing me up. As soon as I came off it we were at it like rabbits for about 3 months. Then the lack of sleep and dryness associated with menopause reversed that for a while... we've been DTD about once a month, recently slightly more

Wow, thanks for all the responses (even the vitriolic ones).

Just to clarify:

1. On the subject of "Pestering" - DW has initiated sex only twice in the last 10 years (both times when she was very drunk) so if I didn't ask then it would almost NEVER happen.
   I'm not clear as to how I can initiate sex without asking, but I don't ask every day or anything like that, and in fact I've stopped asking at all now.

2. I didn't mention the shopping and cooking as implying some sort of "entitlement", I was merely second-guessing some responses, because I've heard many people say that by the time they've done a full day's work and all the evening chores they're too tired for anything else.

3. "Once a week" was not my demand, it's just a figure I've seen bandied about in the press. I would just like to have sex more often than we do and I would really appreciate not having to do all the chasing. But when I've tried to have conversations with her about our relationship she refuses to discuss it.

4. Since I'm no longer asking at all; to those of you who say I should stop "bothering" her - if no sex happens in the future, are you suggesting I should just accept that, shrug my shoulders and carry on?

Odins that's a very modern version of marriage vows.

Hmmm, just following the thread so far.

I don't think you are unreasonable to want sex more often.

I also don't think it is unreasonable for a 51 year old woman with a 7 year old child to be content with once every three weeks.

No one is wrong. There is simply a miss match of sex drives here. So the options are: obligatory sex (basically rape) on her part or frustration on your part.

Neither of these seem satisfactory. So the question is, if you leave your wife, will your lot improve? You'll break up your family and may or may not find another partner who wants a higher frequency of sex, in the long term (everyone is keen year one, how does it look year five?)

I am a patient person used to compromise. If it were me, I wouldn't destroy the relationship by badgering her. If bide my time, I'd look forward to every three weeks. And I'd work to stay emotionally connected. A lot of couples have a renaissance after the DC get older and they have fewer responsibilities and more time for each other.

(Talking to a lot of friends/other women, I actually think you aren't doing too badly. Sex once or twice a month is a lot more than some couples, where the wife is going through menopause and still has young children. Comments on anonymous forum aren't necessarily broadly representative. Same as what I have picked up through tittle tattle! )

I like your big hint Holger, that's true. It can be a problem to run about all day and not get any "alone" time until the evening, where you might need to find it in a book!

If she's only initiated sex twice in ten years, it would imply that her sex drive is pretty low. It's not as though she was previously wanting sex all the time and it's only trailed off in the last year or something.

If she's always been the same, I doubt you'll be able to change it. Some people naturally have very low libidos. If she's one of those people, nothing you do will change that.

I'm confused: Do working class and upper class couples have different sexual activity averages?

Talk. To. Her.

Personally I'm happy with once every two to three weeks, DH would probably have more but he has never pestered me for sex and we both initiate it when we feel in the mood. If he initiates it and I don't feel like it, that's it. He never makes me feel bad just accepts it. How are you when your DW isn't in the mood? Your wife just wants it less than you to me this seems reasonable .... is this something you can live with or if not what do you see happening? Talk to her, maybe take sex off the cards and go back to basics of cuddling etc you may be surprised without the asking/ expectation your DW may feel more inclined to initiate. I wouldn't tell her you went on a forum to see if you were right and she was wrong about how much is normal.

You would have to decide for yourself whether or not you will be happier and more contented overall with sex less often than you would like (there are other ways to get sexual release, let's not forget) or having ended your marriage and got yourself into a situation where you are reasonably likely to be able to find someone who likes sex as often as you do. No one here can answer that for you.

But no, I certainly wouldn't be telling you that you ought to shrug it off and put up with it, if it matters that much to you. You aren't wrong in this scenario, just as she isn't.

if no sex happens in the future, are you suggesting I should just accept that, shrug my shoulders and carry on

You need to talk to her.

Start from the premise that you love her and your marriage is really important to you. You need to let her know that your libido is currently higher than hers and you'd like to talk about it.
She may be shattered, she may be 'touched out'. Everyone makes demands on you. You get up, the kids are all over you, I need this, I need that, muuum, where's my?? Then you go to work. More demands. Then back home, kids are all over you again.
In that situation the last thing you feel like doing is surrendering body and mind to someone else. How much 'alone time' does your wife have? How much time just to be her? Without housework or kids or work? Think about that.

But really, you need to talk to her. There could be many reasons. Being touched out, stressed, physical changes in her body. She may not find sex with you very fulfilling. She may have lost her libido or just be too tired. Talk to her. From a position of respect, not from a position of pestering/entitlement.

I she truly doesn't want it hen you have to respect that and consider whether you wish to remain in the marriage. There's no 'right amount' - the only thing that matters is you're on the same page. So talk

Have you spoken to her about it Dad? Asked if she wants it more often too but just isn't initiating?

Obligitory sex isn't rape. Seriously

Everyone saying about middle class, the title actually says middle age!

Where are people getting 'middle class' from, anyway? Thread confusion!

I pretty much always initiated sex with my ex DP; when I did, it happened. Sometimes I wished it were the other way round, but that's just how it was. Didn't make me feel like the most desirable woman on the planet but there you go.

Is she just knackered? You talk about her marking homework so am guessing a teacher?

Are you physically intimate in other ways, such as cuddling and kissing? Do you tell her how much you enjoy sex with her when you do have it? You need to have a really frank and open conversation. Communication is key here.

LOl, my mistake!

Duh I meant to write middle aged! Had just come off the middle class discussion and obviously got confused, heh.

Still, the principle remains that there is no point in quoting statistics at her since the only people who matter are the two people in the relationship. And it's especially silly since that statistic usually says something like 'middle aged couples have sex on average once a week,' which rather renders the whole thing a moot point.