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Original poster

DW says my claim that normal middle aged couples have sex once a week is wildly OTT

287 replies

DadSeeksWifeInstructionManual · 29/09/2016 12:35

We're both 51 (and DS is 7). We've averaged sex about once every 3 weeks for the last 6 years. But that's only because I keep asking - otherwise it would be never happen.
She enjoys it when we get round to it, but never initiates as she's tends to get carried away with her latest book/ tv show/ marking of homework etc. (BTW I do all the shopping and cooking).

Is once a week unreasonable?

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 29/09/2016 13:26

So the guy is probably a crap lover, leaving her to do everything and coercive - all on the basis of no evidence at all. But when a woman wants more sex, the guy is withholding it because he is being abusive.

This is not true at all, Bluesky. You have totally made it up.

PortiaCastis · 29/09/2016 13:26

A woman is a person not a sex machine. Talk to each other FGS

Lewwat · 29/09/2016 13:27

Guy comes on mn for advice..... Gets called a rapist and bad lover, shit husband...... Yea. Great support shown here today Hmm

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 29/09/2016 13:28

bluesky surely it's not about 'winning'? What a weird comment.

Nakupenda · 29/09/2016 13:28

WOOO DOUBLE STANDARDS!!!!

OP as you've been told, stop pestering her "ew", don't expect sex blah blah blah.

If you'd posted the other way round and were a woman you'd have a lot more "maybe suggest couples counselling?" Or "poor you, it would be a deal breaker for me" or "ask him why he doesn't want sex with you".

Tut tut tut

Blueskyrain · 29/09/2016 13:30

Yes you can have a marriage without sex, but just as you can have a marriage without trust, fidelity, love, but I can't see how it would be as satisfying. Sex is one of the key building blocks in a marriage surely...

Otherwise you are just really close friends. There has to be sexual tension and desire, however good your underlying friendship is, if you want to get the most out of marriage, I'd have thought.

Blueskyrain · 29/09/2016 13:32

Sparrow, no I haven't. There is a thread about exactly what I've said over on relationships at the moment.

Complete double standards.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 29/09/2016 13:34

His username isn't really getting me hot and sweaty...

deydododatdodontdeydo · 29/09/2016 13:34

All this talk of give her a massage, foot rub, kiss for no reason, etc.
I can just picture another thread where the DW is posting "my husband is pestering for sex, he keeps giving me foot rubs, massages, etc.".

Posters who don't care much for sex will tell OP he should be happy or leave.
This is MN - man wants sex = abusive, man doesn't want sex = abusive.

Realhousewivesofshit · 29/09/2016 13:35

Wouldn't be enough for me op and we are the same age. Our youngest is 18 though so maybe not as tiring as a 7 year old.

I have to say I would feel very rejected if dh didn't want sex more than once a week barring illness/stress etc.

I think it's vital you both feel loved and cherished and not sure that's the case here.

Really hate the attitude 'sex once a month is ok for Me and it should be for you' in a relationship. No you need to be on the same page or it's miserable.

MrsSchadenfreude · 29/09/2016 13:36

Totally Outing - if a couple is happy with that sort of relationship, then that's fine, obviously. But it's when one person isn't happy that the problems start.

I wondered how long it would be before someone suggested a foot rub or massage. I don't think either of those are the solution to a sexless marriage, frankly!

And a cuddle doesn't compensate for the lack of physical intimacy, either. Nice enough, and times when it's more appropriate than a good shag, but it doesn't compensate.

TotallyOuting · 29/09/2016 13:37

Really hate the attitude 'sex once a month is ok for Me and it should be for you' in a relationship. No you need to be on the same page or it's miserable.

I'm not sure anyone's suggested he should be ok with it. Just that he cannot expect his wife to want it more if she just doesn't, or have it when she doesn't want it.

butterfliesandzebras · 29/09/2016 13:38

It really doesn't matter what sex anyone else is or isn't having.

I've been the person who wants more sex than the other. It's tough. It's so easy to start feeling unattractive, unwanted. It's hard not to feel like your nagging when the other person will never initiate, but if you try to initiate you get knocked back most the time.

Of course nobody should ever have sex unless they want to. Buts it's heartbreaking feeling the person you love and want sex with doesn't want it with you.

Talk, see if there are any compromises (one partner masturbates while other talks dirty etc), make sure you know what really turns her on, etc. But if she just doesn't want more sex no logic or information about what other people do will change that.

TotallyOuting · 29/09/2016 13:39

And a cuddle doesn't compensate for the lack of physical intimacy, either. Nice enough, and times when it's more appropriate than a good shag, but it doesn't compensate.

I enjoy physical intimacy in the form of sex with my husband, as he enjoys it with me. But I can manage to wrap my head around the idea that some others might not feel the need to have sex as part of their marriage at all, and be perfectly happy with that. I don't consider it my place to declare theirs to be any less a real marriage.

MrsSchadenfreude · 29/09/2016 13:39

Exactly, Butterflies.

jojo2916 · 29/09/2016 13:39

Many marriages break up over this issue so it is a big deal, once every 3 weeks is not enough in my opinion but it's difficult as of course you both need to want to. Every day is normal for some , once a week for others, every 3 weeks does not seem like much of a sex life and obviously isn't enough for you. You are not doing anything wrong initiating it IMO and I hope you can get to a compromise. It's an important part of marriage and I'll be hated for saying this but I think it's really important for both to make an effort to keep each other happy in this department for a happy marriage.

TotallyOuting · 29/09/2016 13:41

Talk, see if there are any compromises (one partner masturbates while other talks dirty etc)

If I'm not in the mood for sex I'm not remotely in the mood for this. Perhaps some people are, without it being tied up in some odd sense of duty and obligation, who knows. It certainly isn't the case for me.

Keepithidden · 29/09/2016 13:41

DW says twice a year is normal (has been since DC1 was conceived), we're both late thirties, two DCs (5 and 7). So I guess in our case once a week is OTT and unreasonable.

Pretty sure it'll be the death of our marriage, but the low drive partner should always be in control so there's not much you can do.

Realhousewivesofshit · 29/09/2016 13:41

Merry dare I ask how you know about your parents sex life? Wink

Have you thought of spicing it up op? Role play, fantasy, etc?

user1471439240 · 29/09/2016 13:42

Op - come back and post as a woman in a sex starved relationship.
You would have gotten the answer we all know is the truth.

Realhousewivesofshit · 29/09/2016 13:43

totally you do hear that on mumsnet a lot.

Did you mean to mention being tied up Grin

FlyingElbows · 29/09/2016 13:45

Bluesky I have been with Mr Elbows for 20 years. The last time we had "proper" sex was about ten years ago. He is my best friend, my partner, my lover, the father of my children and a wonderful wonderful man who I love deeply and fancy as much now as I did when I met him. What he's not is big into classic piv sex. This is when you'll laughably tell me he's gay or has an ow! No, he has his "thing" it's just not piv, not everyone wants sex like that all the time. We're not at it like teenage rabbits (I'm 40, he's 43 we have three kids and no help) but we have a deep and enduring love which goes very very far beyond sex. Ofcourse we have the desire and tension you mention and I agree that when that's missing marriage can be a lonely place. But it's normal for marriages to experience barren episodes because life has a real knack of getting in the way. Presenting a partner with a "well everyone else is doing it" ultimatum is unfair and untrue. It's horses for courses, there is no standard practise we all need to achieving to be "normal".

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 29/09/2016 13:48

men are horny little devils really. its the same in my house. I actually think 1 a week is dammn good OP!!!!

Yanbu to mind, and there is more to happy marriage than sex

are you thinking to look elsewhere?

butterfliesandzebras · 29/09/2016 13:49

TotallyOuting - just to be clear, I was saying 'talk and see if there are any compromises that could work', not suggesting that there definitely were any, out that my example compromise would or 'should' work for anyone in particular.

deblet · 29/09/2016 13:49

I would be very sad in my marriage if I was only able to have sex with my husband if I asked him. After 23 years we still have sex 3-4 times a week because we desire each other. I would feel very undesirable if I was OP. Having said that we have always been like this so if your wife was always not bothered it would be wrong to ask her to change. If she has changed she needs to want to work on it you can't make her. A frank discussion is needed to see where you could both compromise to have a happy and healthy relationship.