DW says my claim that normal middle aged couples have sex once a week is wildly OTT

[DadSeeksWifeInstructionManual]

We're both 51 (and DS is 7). We've averaged sex about once every 3 weeks for the last 6 years. But that's only because I keep asking - otherwise it would be never happen.
She enjoys it when we get round to it, but never initiates as she's tends to get carried away with her latest book/ tv show/ marking of homework etc. (BTW I do all the shopping and cooking).

Is once a week unreasonable?

And without sex, you are essentially just house mates. That's very different from a marriage (or it should be).

Lack of sex can be a serious problem. But the answer isn't for one partner to just put up with being used as a sex toy.

I couldn't cope with a sexless marriage, but once every 3 weeks is not a sexless marriage.

It sounds pretty sexless to me. It's certainly a very low sex marriage

MrsSh if you don't like the amount of sex the other person is happy with, and you can't live with that, then leave them.

What you can't do is stay with them and put pressure on them for sex.

There is nothing wrong with wanting more sex but the conversation should be about what you both want & what you can do to help her want sex - if that's something she'd like. I'd love sex more but at the moment my husband has no choice but to work late, I barely see him & am ready for sleep by the time he's done. It just isn't happening.

Consent should always be 'if it isn't a hell yes it's a fuck no'. My best friend told me once that sex with her husband feels worse than rape (and unfortunately she's in a position to know). It doesn't do it for her & she doesn't want to hurt him by saying no. It would kill him to know she felt that way. I'm guessing he thinks she 'gets into it'.

I don't think there is a 'normal' or 'reasonable' against which you can measure these things. Different couples, and indeed different people, have wildly differing ideas of what constitutes 'acceptable'!

Instead of measuring yourself against an external standard, you need to work out what works for both of you. Since there is a clear discrepancy in your sex drive, you need to figure out how to negotiate that. It's perfectly acceptable for a person to say they never want sex - it is equally perfectly acceptable for that to be a dealbreaker for someone else.

The intimacy of sex is the glue of much that is good about our couple.

It's not in ours. We have it only slightly more frequently than the OP and are much younger. We have discussed the 'infrequency' if you can call it that a few times and are both happy with the amount we have. We have discussed whether we think it might lead to a loss of closeness, and quickly realised that our closeness originally came from a kind of a meeting of the minds - not a sexual chemistry before we got to know each other, and thus, sex or no sex, our closeness doesn't suffer.

And without sex, you are essentially just house mates. That's very different from a marriage (or it should be).

That's quite a bold claim. Why should it be?

I don't think it sounds like OP is expecting that. He seems concerned, it's not that her schedule is full, it's that she is prioritising other things instead of having sex with him. At no point did he suggest badgering her or coercing her...

To be honest it sounds like he has a problem and he wanted some reassurance as to whether he was normal or not. Unfortunately there is no normal in the situation, just what works best for a couple.

The idea that one partner would say 'well everyone else has it X times a week' and that the other partner will just go ahead and have sex on that basis, even if they don't want it, is beyond disgusting. What sort of utter utter shithead wants sex with an unwilling partner who's been guilted into being used?

In a couple, if a man wants sex and a woman doesn't, it's often because the man is a bad lover.

He is seeings ex as something for HIM, something he is entitled to, something she should GIVE him, for his benefit.

OP, maybe your wife does not enjoy sex with you because you have made it into yet another chore.

You don't get sex because you're entitled to it, or because it is "normal" and therefore she better should!

If you wants sex, you'd better think of ways to seduce her, of getting her in the mood, of thinking about HER pleasure...how about that?

If DH said: "we are going to have sex now, because it's been a week, and the national average is once a week", I would swoon and throw myself at him. not.

Because then you are basically two people who get on OK, sharing bills, cleaning chores and living in the same house.

Stop asking. Be nice to her, listen to her, encourage going to bed before you're both exhausted, kiss for the sake of kissing her - not hoping it'll lead to something else. Hold her hand. Hug. Cuddle on the sofa when you're watching TV.

Do all that and she might fancy it again. Being nagged into sex isn't sexy.

"But that's only because I keep asking"

Yuurrgghhh

I certainly wouldn't define every 3 weeks as sexless.

It's up to the individual couple to decide what works for both of them. If one partner wants more sex than the other then they must decide if they can live with that or whether the relationship has to end. A partner should never ever ever be coerced into having sex they don't want.

BTW OP - there is a lot more to running a house than shopping and cooking. Do you do anything else besides those things?

Blimey op you are very good at typing one handed.

So the guy is probably a crap lover, leaving her to do everything and coercive - all on the basis of no evidence at all. But when a woman wants more sex, the guy is withholding it because he is being abusive.

Bar getting a sex change, so they are no longer a man, I'm not sure how men can ever win :-(

BabyGanoush good good point!

OP next time the odds are in your favour just make sure you stop being bad in bed!

In all seriousness though, whenever you do is it about you, about her, or both of you?

Maybe you're not doing it right and she's never had the guts to tell you what she really wants. We had a wee bumpy phase like that near the start of our marriage after the buzz wore off, but once it was ironed out the sex was better than ever! I really look forward to it!

My parents are in their 70s and have sex once a week (more than me!). I think you need compromise. If she wants it once a month, and you want it once a week, then once every 2 weeks. It's not always romantic to have a 'night' but I think it works.

Have you read up on the menopause OP. It can have a dramatic effect on sex drives. I think you need to be a bit more understanding here. You need to talk & if you can't reach a compromise, you'll need to consider your future.

Because then you are basically two people who get on OK, sharing bills, cleaning chores and living in the same house.

Since when does no or little sex mean you suddenly only get on 'OK'? And that you only share bills, chores and live in the same house? Do you do nothing together beyond those things and sex? How sad for you.

And even if you description was correct - who are you to say that isn't a marriage if a married couple are happy for that to be their idea of marriage?

Intimacy is about much more than the actual act of sex. It's cuddling, it's laughing together, it's sharing your thoughts, your dreams. Are you doing this OP? I love sex but 'shopping and cooking' are not really what I would regard as 'intimacy'.

Make time together without pressuring her. Give her a massage, a foot rub, talk to her. Watch a film together. Take her out.

Connection is about more than just fucking...