DW says my claim that normal middle aged couples have sex once a week is wildly OTT

[DadSeeksWifeInstructionManual]

We're both 51 (and DS is 7). We've averaged sex about once every 3 weeks for the last 6 years. But that's only because I keep asking - otherwise it would be never happen.
She enjoys it when we get round to it, but never initiates as she's tends to get carried away with her latest book/ tv show/ marking of homework etc. (BTW I do all the shopping and cooking).

Is once a week unreasonable?

Does age matter? at 60 I'd be very disappointed with once a week.

Hi dads,

Please don't take any of the OTT replies to heart or as a representation of the general population. It's crazy some of the replies you see on here, especially with your subject!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Sex is a very important part of a relationship, in my opinion and I'd feel like you do too with that infrequency. Unfortunately sometimes it does just come down to being incompatible and if she's not willing to discuss it, it makes things a lot more difficult for you to try understand. Obviously we all know she's entitled not to want it more frequently but she has to face the fact that the current situation is making you unhappy/frustrated too. She needs to talk to you about it and you both need to be honest with one another. It all comes down to what you're willing to live with in the end. It's a horrible position to be in and I hope you're able to find a solution that works for you both.

Very big hint: the thing you can do does not usually involve 'spicing things up' or any number of ways men often think they're going to get more. Usually it involves something like doing your fair share of housework on a daily or weekly basis and/or much more of the child rearing (including the shitwork that no one particularly likes doing) and taking part in the general responsibility for the overall running of the household. If you have young children it involves making sure she has plenty of time to herself so that she isn't constantly 'touched out' and so she doesn't completely lose who she was before she became 'mum' and making sure she gets a lie in at least once a week.

^^
This is really good advice.

Op. Firstly you sound really lovely, and committed to your wife and your marriage. There is a problem because you aren't happy, but by talking about, even if nothing changes but you understand more, it can improve how you feel.
Please don't feel like you're a bad person for asking for sex. There is a difference between asking once and badgering.
Lots of women are understandably projecting their issues around these things, but you are not doing wrong here. You give your wife space to read her book, watch her tv... if I'm honest I think she is being a bit selfish, but that is just me projecting a gut feeling based on my own personal experiences.

I think it's great you are looking for different insights, and hope you get an outcome that makes you both happy.

Going against the grain here, but I would not discuss it with your wife. That just puts more pressure on her. Why not try to make your family life more fun and yourself more sexy and interesting and see if that helps. By that I mean go out more with friends, pursue your interests, be more amusing, do more fun things with your DC and your wife, make life more of a laugh. Be a great husband and dad. That might get you one more shag a month and if it doesn't at least you'll all have had more fun.

shudder I'm imagining the outrage if the position were reversed and a wife was told that she should be making sure her husband has plenty of time to rest and to take on much more of the housework.

He clearly said he WAS putting pressure on her by "nagging". His words.

There is a difference between asking once and badgering.

Nagging/badgering, all the same to me....

Bluesky there is no such thing as "obligatory sex". When I was 17 my boyfriend decided to exercise his right to "obligatory sex". He held me down and raped me. Rape. Not obligation. Rape.

Your user name is not inspiring me with much confidence that you have a positive attitude toward your relationship.
Given that your wife will not discuss it, which I think is a bit unreasonable of her but she may have her reasons, I would state that sex is off the menu for say 6 months, that you love her and want to enjoy every aspect of your relationship and hope that in time an increased amount of intimacy returns to your lives.
Meanwhile have lots of fun together. Create occasions. Try different things together that aren't sexual.

Nah. I don't think it's unreasonable OP.

I'd be pretty hurt if my partner had only initiated sex with me twice in a whole decade

He clearly said he WAS putting pressure on her by "nagging". His words.

Am I missing something? Where did he write that?

What do you mean by initiating sex?

Do you hold and cuddle her etc, or does she always flinch away from your touch?

He clearly said he WAS putting pressure on her by "nagging". His words.

Where?
OP has only made two posts and neither of them use the word "nagging".

AnneLovesGilbert...?

Keep

I would say twice a year was far from the norm. Wouldn't use the word normal but sorry that would be a deal breaker for me.

He clearly said he WAS putting pressure on her by "nagging". His words

You were the first person to use the word 'nagging'..................

So Dad if you talk to her/she refuses to discuss, do you think you could suggest couples counselling?

You haven't answered any questions about the rest of your lives together - are you happy apart from this issue?

If she told you no sex ever again, what would you do?

Rather than telling us how reasonable you are, not your fault etc., you need to be asking yourself these very hard and real questions.

I think you should serously consider ending it. You're not happy, the two of you can't/won't/don't discuss the issue - who wants to live like that? Far better to end it now, honorably, then to wait til it really falls apart or you have an affair or she does.

In fact, he's said now that he's stopped asking at all. He's clearly not 'nagging'.

It also seems that she does have time to relax watching tv, reading books etc, so it doesn't sound like its exhaustion related - I think that is people projecting from their own situations, there is absolutely no evidence of this here.

A lot of projection Blue.

You don't have to shrug your shoulders and put up with it op, you can leave, I know you don't want to, but it may come to that.

Have you actually had discussions about this with her? Straight talking? Does h she not enjoy sex? Doesn't climax? Too tired?

You need to get to the bottom of it, and be honest with each other, if it were this or splitting, would you stay?

I'd call it a day too. She obviously doesn't want sex so that's that.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship who didn't want sex. Totally her right of course, but also your right to have a full relationship.

I'd be really quite bored having ex with the same person 3 or 4 days a week, year in, year out. I'm quite surprised anyone wants this tbh! (Previous posters with their several times a week shenanigans)
I have a pretty healthy libido, but I imagine it would get quite samey after a while. Quality is FAR more important than quantity.
I would have thought that around the age of the menopause, once every 3 weeks is doing quite well, although her never initiating is not a good sign.
I agree that you should not talk to her about this. Tell yourself that sex is off the table for while. A good long while. Then try and remember why she fell in love with you in the first place, and show her that guy. Bit of flirting with no pressure, bit of romance, make her laugh. There honestly is nothing less sexy than obligation, or being "asked".