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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and PFB about this?

196 replies

AnonymousArmadillo · 29/09/2016 06:26

I have NC for this as possibly a bit outing but I promise I am a regular poster.

So my DP has suggested going for a few days to his parents house with DD. I'm working so can't go too.

I have only left DD overnight on one occasion before but she was still with DP so I didn't stress insesintly that much. But I just get this feeling that if DP goes up there, MIL will suggest he goes for a night on the town with his dad and brother (she has suggested that he go up and do this many times and I think she may take the opportunity when I'm not there to guilt trip DP) and leave DD with her. She has never had DD overnight before and DD can be a bit funny about bedtimes if its not me someone different and it can leave her really inconsolably upset. She is only 2. I am worried that if they go, this will happen and MIL won't know how to calm her down because she's never had to before.

AIBU PFB about this? Willing to accept and have a feeling that I am.

OP posts:

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 30/09/2016 23:52

I don't really get why people feel that a child has to be left alone with a grandparent in order to develop a good relationship with them. Or why grandparents are so anxious to shoo the parents off and be alone with their grandchildren. That's all just strange to me. Do families not all want to be together?

Surely if your dp is going to see his mum, he wants to spend time with her? And she with him? If he wants a night out, why not have one when dd is at home with you? Odd to go and visit someone and then go off out and leave them. What's the point of that?

Anyhow OP, why don't you talk to your dp about your worries and see what he thinks? And then come to an agreement about how you're both going to parent your daughter - whether to leave her abruptly with her grandma or to wait until she's had a chance to get to know her better?

Original poster

AnonymousArmadillo · 01/10/2016 06:11

So my DP has been working late shifts for the last couple of days and I haven't actually properly seen him other than to give him a kiss goodbye in the last few days. I haven't been able to ask him his view yet. He may feel the same as me but I doubt it as I am the crazy uptight one in our relationship and he evens me out.

However, we make decisions together because she is OUR child. Not my child or his child, ours. I don't get to make big decisions when he isn't there, in the same way that he doesn't when I'm not there. I consider leaving a child with a grandparent for bedtime a big decision because we have never done it before and we both know how tricky DD can be about new people for bedtime.

As I've said, it's not about capability but knowing the child and how to settle them best. I wouldn't claim to be an expert on someone else's child simply because I've got one. They're all different.

OP posts:

Penhacked · 01/10/2016 06:32

I would say as you just said, each child is different and each grandma is different so yanbu because you worries may have some foundation. I left Ds very little at this age. He wasn't ready, he would have been stressed and unhappy. Didn't see the point of putting him through that for no good reason. Don't let societal pressure guide your decision

user1474781546 · 01/10/2016 07:39

penhacked- I agree. My kids would have been upset being left with people other than parents at this age. Not something I would have done without good reason.

JohnCheese · 01/10/2016 09:46

Another YANBU. Agree with the other posters who say who made this staying away from your parents as a tiny tot a milestone? Attachment is there for a reason.

You know your baby best. If you feel it's too stressful for your DD, then so be it. Hard enough leaving her for work. They're only small for a little while. It's not something I did either.

JapaneseTea · 01/10/2016 09:53

Children are often completely different when with other people like grandparents. Suddenly they lose their need to have things which at home would be deal breakers.

At two it might even be a good experience for her to have someone else 'do' bedtime. Or your DH could do bedtime then go out.

Good
Luck with whatever you choose

DownWithThisSortaThing · 01/10/2016 10:10

For everyone saying 'for what reason would you want to leave your child at this age' - surely it's to have a break? It's often trotted out as advice - even on MN 'get someone else to have the baby, have a night off, go out with your husband, get your DM/MIL to have the baby for a night and get some sleep'
If you never, ever leave them, when do you get a break? It's bloody hard work with a baby/toddler and until recently DS was waking up several times before I even went to bed. Meaning I couldn't get a bath in peace, or watch a tv programme or call somebody up because inevitably he would wake up crying half way through. I tried everything, he was just a light sleeper and was experiencing some separation anxiety. About 18 months of shit sleep.

DP works long hours meaning I'm alone most nights and bedtime is up to me. I don't leave DS often but since he was about 8 months old I have left him for a night every month/couple of months with one of parents, just for some relief. I've gone out with friends or spent some time with DP. I don't like leaving him but he's been fine and I've needed the break. I provide comfort to him but I'm not a robot, I'm a human and I need a bit of time to myself. I don't feel bad about that - and if people don't feel like they need any time off then hats off to you. But personally I can't imagine 4 years of never having a break. It would have driven me crackers.

Original poster

AnonymousArmadillo · 01/10/2016 10:23

Did I say I don't need a break? I massively need a break. For about a year. I have an incredibly stressful job and then I come home and coming home and immediately being fun, playful mummy for my 2yo is tiring.

I am not saying I don't want DP to go, I'm just not comfortable with her being left with someone else to do bedtime when PIL haven't even really had her on their own (for more than the 10 hour and a half walk) at all.

OP posts:

DownWithThisSortaThing · 01/10/2016 10:29

Have you even talked to your DP about it?
All you've said is you 'have a feeling' that will happen
You don't even know if he is planning to go out, and if he does, he could still do the bedtime. You're stressing about something you don't know is happening.
If you really, really don't want it to happen then just tell him.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/10/2016 10:37

DownWithThisSortaThing, I will refer you to my post further up on this page.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/10/2016 10:39

And... I've realised that my other post didn't send...

RunningLulu · 01/10/2016 10:43

It might be a good thing for your daughter- good prep for nursery daycare etc where the teaching assistants often put kids to bed for naps etc.

FoxMulder · 01/10/2016 10:52

I'm with you OP. I've never left my 2.5 yr old overnight, and wouldn't want to. I still feed him to sleep for a start...

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2016 11:14

My dd at 2 wouldn't have wanted this. By 4/5 she loved to be put to bed by grandma. She won't go to sleep in a strange room by herself aged 8. She isn't an anxious child though. She went away for a 4 night organised sleepover in tents in the summer holidays so waiting until a child is ready isn't necessarily going to make the child anxious. You will know when your dd is ready if you wish to wait - which it what I did. You can choose to force the issue and send her with your dh. She will get used to it and she will be fine even if she cries for an extended period (assuming your mil is patient and kind).

You do sound like a bit of an anxious mummy on other fronts so I'd just be careful not to project that on to her. Sounds like the break would do you good. If he would agree to settle her first then go out, would that be ok?

bertrand "Guts are notoriously bad at thinking" ever heard of the gut brain? Our guts actually have brains. Just to let you know. :D

pollymere · 01/10/2016 11:37

No, I don't think you are. I had a similar scenario and previous occasions had taught me that my MIL was not capable of looking after my dd. Trust your gut.

Original poster

AnonymousArmadillo · 01/10/2016 12:37

Conversation with DP:
AA: Are you still going to your parents after half term?
DP: Yeah, probably.
AA: Likelihood of your DM suggesting a night out in London?
DP: High.
AA: Likelihood of you going?
DP: If DD is asleep, I'll go to the pub down the road but not into London and if she's not asleep, I won't go. As much as DM is an awesome GM, she doesn't know DD's routines so it probably wouldn't end all that well.

I love him. 😍

OP posts:

DownWithThisSortaThing · 01/10/2016 12:48

Well there you go OP. panic over nothing!

Original poster

AnonymousArmadillo · 01/10/2016 13:50

Thank you all for your feedback. I will take it all on board when the time does come to leave her overnight.

OP posts:

Benedikte2 · 01/10/2016 23:08

Sounds like you have a keeper there OP!

Original poster

AnonymousArmadillo · 02/10/2016 07:07

I really do.

OP posts:

JohnCheese · 02/10/2016 09:43

What a perfect ending!

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