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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and PFB about this?

196 replies

AnonymousArmadillo · 29/09/2016 06:26

I have NC for this as possibly a bit outing but I promise I am a regular poster.

So my DP has suggested going for a few days to his parents house with DD. I'm working so can't go too.

I have only left DD overnight on one occasion before but she was still with DP so I didn't stress insesintly that much. But I just get this feeling that if DP goes up there, MIL will suggest he goes for a night on the town with his dad and brother (she has suggested that he go up and do this many times and I think she may take the opportunity when I'm not there to guilt trip DP) and leave DD with her. She has never had DD overnight before and DD can be a bit funny about bedtimes if its not me someone different and it can leave her really inconsolably upset. She is only 2. I am worried that if they go, this will happen and MIL won't know how to calm her down because she's never had to before.

AIBU PFB about this? Willing to accept and have a feeling that I am.

OP posts:
CashelGirl · 29/09/2016 07:18

It will be lovely for your daughter to start building her own special relationship with one of her Grandma's. And the time might come when you HAVE to leave her overnight because of work or illness or some other emergency. Better her first "sleepover" be done when there are no other worrying circumstances. Enjoy the peace! Xx

flumpybear · 29/09/2016 07:18

Wow if this was me I'd be checking myself into the nearest spa hotel secretly lol!!! Time to yourself and all that - sod work!!!

Hopelass · 29/09/2016 07:22

I can see where you're coming from OP I was am a bit like this and DS is nearly 3! In my experience though when I have let him go and stay with family he's had a ball and been really well behaved and not at all bothered. It's surprised me but also made me enjoy the times when I have some peace and know that he's been looked after. Enjoy the time to yourself! Flowers

user1474781546 · 29/09/2016 07:22

cel982- I completely agree.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 29/09/2016 07:23

I'm afraid YABU.

Mil sounds like she is just encouraging your DP to go out enjoy himself while he has the chance, and why not? He will only be gone for a few hours. Your DD will be absolutely fine. Even if she wakes up and cries, she will be comforted and she will calm down. It will do her good to spend some time with her grandma and if no one else ever looks after her, she will never get used to being with other people.

user1474781546 · 29/09/2016 07:24

OP- no need for the pleading "puppy dog eyes".
If my OH asked then I would have said no, she's not ready.

birdsdestiny · 29/09/2016 07:25

If you can try it. There may come a time when you really really need someone else to put your child to bed. By the way there is nothing wrong with how you feel, I cried all the way to work after maternity leave too.

SoupDragon · 29/09/2016 07:33

Yes, it's one of those things that is tough with a first and progressively easier with any subsequent children Smile Generally speaking anyway.

user1474781546 · 29/09/2016 07:36

soupdragon- and not even necessary some of us think.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 29/09/2016 07:41

Think its only one of those things that can be assessed when he gets there and I probably would indulge her (dd) a little as if she does get really upset at grandma doing bedtime it may make it harder next time.

No reason for him not to go out though. Why not suggest that if shes unsettled he do bedtime, then go out. If she's fine Grandma can do it with him at the end of the phone and willing to come straight back if shes genuinely very upset (not just expressing a preference with tears).

DorotheaHomeAlone · 29/09/2016 07:41

I think you're probably getting it by now but yes YABU. This trip will be really good for her. Time to start letting go a little so she can build stein relationships with other family members. Then next time he can go at a weekend or when you're in holiday and you can have a proper break! Smile

GeorgeTheThird · 29/09/2016 07:48

Set your mind to it and it will be fine. Enjoy the peace and quiet. Make the most of some time just you.

Marmalade85 · 29/09/2016 07:57

YABU and also thought you were going to say she is 6m old.

ElphabaTheGreen · 29/09/2016 08:02

I'm going to be a rare YANBU and you are not being PFB. I'm with a PP who said staying over at GP's house is not some kind of milestone that needs to be got through. I wouldn't let my 2yo (who is my second child) stay over at the GPs because he's categorically not ready. We've had one night away from home with him and he was a fucking nightmare, even with us there, so he's not sleeping anywhere other than our house until he is able to articulate and reason why he's happy to go elsewhere. My 4yo has had a couple of sleepovers with the GPs and he's had a brilliant time - but only because he was ready to do it. No way would he have done it when he was 2 - it would have been a horror show from start to finish for everybody. Despite what others are saying, there is absolutely nothing to be gained, for you or your DD OP, by putting yourself through this if you don't want to.

GinIsIn · 29/09/2016 08:07

I have a friend who won't even leave her kids with her perfectly capable DH without her. Never has. They are 8 & 6 now!! And clingy and whiny as fuck. Your DD will be fine, let her go!

OnionKnight · 29/09/2016 08:10

YABU, she's your DH's child too and if he wants his mum to look after her for one night then that's his choice.

Hefezopf · 29/09/2016 08:11

Another YANBU from me. I agree with the pps who said that you will know when your dd is ready.

Our dc3 would have been inconsolable at age 2. At age 4 the same child skipped off merrily without a backwards glance. Not PFB in that case, just not ready. Go with your gut if your dp is on board with that.

TheLaundryLady · 29/09/2016 08:16

As a GP I would be really offended if my DIL suggested that I wasn't capable of caring for my DGC for one night.

timeforheroes · 29/09/2016 08:19

I sort of see your side, as it is the first time it is going to happen, but unless you think there is reason why your MiL might be incapable, I think you should at least try.
My MiL always wanted to have our DS and DTwins overnight (all under 3), we kept saying how difficult it can be on your own, but she insisted she really wanted to give us a break. We ended up having to rescue her at midnight and she hasn't asked again...but I was really touched she wanted to help out and give us a break.

Imaginosity · 29/09/2016 08:20

I understand how you feel and I have 3 DC.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/09/2016 08:23

OP- no need for the pleading "puppy dog eyes".
If my OH asked then I would have said no, she's not ready.

Strangly enough they are your OH child too. He doesn't need your permission.

Struay0verthesea · 29/09/2016 08:28

Bless you. It is difficult the first time you are away from them at night. I have it the other way round as I have to work away sometimes and do shifts other times. DH does just fine with two toddlers.
Surely you just tell him your anxieties and he can start putting her to bed at home, but really if she is fine with him at other times, I suspect that even if she prefers you there for bedtimes at home, when they're away, he'll be her "preferred choice", he settles her, then goes out and grandma calls him back if it is really difficult.

I do admit though that we are still at the stage of preferring to only go out for the evening together once one of us has put our kids to bed, although we've had a couple of times when we've had to leave grandparents to it due to emergencies and they did just fine.

wizbet80 · 29/09/2016 08:29

When my pfb was 5 months old I was rushed in to hospital for an emergency op and ended up staying in for a week. She went to stay at grandma's and although it was incredibly hard I was in a lot of pain and there was nothing I could do about it.

There are no separation anxiety problems or anything like that, she is now a fully rounded 5 year old, but she loves her snuggles with grandma, it will be a good bonding session for them

Cel982 · 29/09/2016 08:37

As a GP I would be really offended if my DIL suggested that I wasn't capable of caring for my DGC for one night.

It's nothing to do with capability, Laundry. Lots of toddlers get distressed if they're away from their primary carer overnight. Grandparents who think they have some sort of inalienable right to exclusive time with their grandchildren certainly don't help.

diddl · 29/09/2016 08:44

If your daughter got upset, how soon could your husband get back to her?