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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and PFB about this?

196 replies

AnonymousArmadillo · 29/09/2016 06:26

I have NC for this as possibly a bit outing but I promise I am a regular poster.

So my DP has suggested going for a few days to his parents house with DD. I'm working so can't go too.

I have only left DD overnight on one occasion before but she was still with DP so I didn't stress insesintly that much. But I just get this feeling that if DP goes up there, MIL will suggest he goes for a night on the town with his dad and brother (she has suggested that he go up and do this many times and I think she may take the opportunity when I'm not there to guilt trip DP) and leave DD with her. She has never had DD overnight before and DD can be a bit funny about bedtimes if its not me someone different and it can leave her really inconsolably upset. She is only 2. I am worried that if they go, this will happen and MIL won't know how to calm her down because she's never had to before.

AIBU PFB about this? Willing to accept and have a feeling that I am.

OP posts:
SleepymamaJapan · 30/09/2016 02:47

Yanbu

It's your child and your decision.

SleepymamaJapan · 30/09/2016 02:48

Dieu - we don't.

We don't have any relatives nearby to help us and babysitters don't really exist here.

PerspicaciaTick · 30/09/2016 02:59

I think you might be in a vicious circle. DD won't sleep without me, so I never let DD sleep without me, so DD doesn't know how to sleep without me, so DD doesn't want to sleep without me, so I never let DD sleep without me, so DD doesn't know how to sleep without me....

At some stage you are going to have to trust DD, DH and DGPs (or other carers) to support your DD in sleeping somewhere new or with different people settling her. At my DC's school the Y2 children (aged 6-7 years old) have a sleepover for one night in the school hall. It isn't compulsory...but it nice to feel confident that they will be able to cope - and that confidence can only be built slowly over time.

However - if you feel that right now isn't the right time to start - then fair enough. But you need a proper conversation with DH so you can reach some sort of agreement.

Original poster
AnonymousArmadillo · 30/09/2016 06:18

I know that she can go to sleep without me. She has done many times when my DP has put her to bed when I'm out (remember I said in my OP that I went away and left her with him). My anxiety when I am away is that she will be incredibly upset and I won't be there to comfort her or something awful will happen and I won't be there to deal with it/be with her through it. I know it's ridiculous to think this but I can't help it.

OP posts:
user1474781546 · 30/09/2016 06:26

Have just skimmed the latter part of thread … but people with 2 year olds never going out to the cinema in the evening. Sorry, but something is amiss there. How do you know it'll be ok (or not!) if you never try?

Because I don't feel the need to go to the cinema in the evening?

What's amiss about that?

user1474781546 · 30/09/2016 06:28

armadillo- I don't see that as ridiculous.
She is your infant and you want to be around if she needs comfort in the middle of the night.
All sounds totally right to me.

ConvincingLiar · 30/09/2016 07:01

I'm not hearing that DD isn't ready, I'm hearing that you aren't. I think yabu. I'd ask DP to do bedtimes before going out.

user1474781546 · 30/09/2016 07:12

convincingliar
She has never had DD overnight before and DD can be a bit funny about bedtimes if its not me someone different and it can leave her really inconsolably upset.

And that's not about the child. It's about a needy parent?

Munstermonchgirl · 30/09/2016 07:20

Goodness when I read threads like this I'm so glad dh and I both established comforting routines very early with our children, so that none of them would be inconsolable if I wasn't there. Of course, once you're months or years down the line, it's really difficult to change things, and you do feel it's about the child because they're understandably upset when you try to change the routine. But most of these cases seem to start with mothers who sideline the father and need to feel that they have some exclusive rights over childcaring.

VioletRoar · 30/09/2016 07:38

armadillo

I'd say it's a little pfb, but I'm exactly the same. Left 15mo with mil overnight and almost ruined my evening because I was so worried she'd be upset. She was fine, mil was fine. I had a night off 😂

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 30/09/2016 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Princesspink999 · 30/09/2016 07:48

Needy parent? Not wanting to leave a 2 year old? Really???

diddl · 30/09/2016 08:11

Have you actually asked your husband if he is planning to go out & if so where & what is the plan with MIL should your daughter wake & be upset?

He might not even be planning to go out!!

It does sound as if you could do with some help for your anxiety.

daisypond · 30/09/2016 08:40

OP, you said, "I have only left DD overnight on one occasion before but she was still with DP so I didn't stress insesintly that much."

Exactly the same as in this situation. DD will still with DP overnight, and therefore there's no need to stress. All he might do is go out for a couple of hours in the evening, not overnight, and MIL will be on hand to babysit in those couple of hours.

Batteriesallgone · 30/09/2016 08:42

Children are not identikit robots. This idea that people with difficult to settle children aren't trying hard enough, or are too clingy themselves is just silly.

VioletRoar · 30/09/2016 09:44

batteries
Well said.

mugginsalert · 30/09/2016 10:04

It sounds like the uncertainty about whether it will be DP or MIL putting DD to bed isn't helping. I'd suggest it would be easier for you if knew for sure whether DP was going out, then you could talk openly with MIL about DD's routine, get updates, prepare DD to enjoy it in advance etc..

ElphabaTheGreen · 30/09/2016 11:25

Exactly batteries.

Munster You're being smug. You got lucky with children who were amenable to being settled by more than one person. Neither of mine were even remotely like that, despite my best efforts at involving DH from day 1 in a 'comforting routine'. He wasn't me. They weren't having a bar of it. There is nothing a parent can do to change that - it's just how a child is.

I'm just Confused by these repeated assertions that a night away from the primary caregiver (at 2yo FFS) is necessary. Why? Why? Whyyyy? What does it achieve? Why should a parent be put in distress by that (and, yes, high levels of anxiety at being separated from your very small, barely verbal child is well within a spectrum of normal)? Why risk a child being put in distress, even if they do end up being fine in the end? What's wrong with waiting until a point in time where it upsets nobody? (And yes, that time arrives.)

Like a PP, I was one of those kids who hated sleeping out of my own home. I dreaded school sleepovers and never enjoyed them. That had nothing to do with having an anxious, clingy mother. That was just how I was made, and I had a perfectly full and happy childhood regardless. Do you know what? I not only moved out of home with no problems when I was older, I moved countries with no undue distress. When I was ready.

user1474781546 · 30/09/2016 12:14

didl It does sound as if you could do with some help for your anxiety.

Are you a psychologist?

NewStartNewName · 30/09/2016 12:20

Let them go! What would happen if you were in hospital overnight? DH or someone else would have to do bedtime then - she needs to get used to other trusted members of the family doing it. Better now than in an already stressful situation.

user1474781546 · 30/09/2016 12:47

newstar- so let her be upset now in case of some imagined scenario which in all likelyhood will never happen?

Most older children by the age of 4 or 5 are happy to have a sleepover with a grandparent or close family member. First sleepovers at that age are happy occassions.
You think that it's better to force things at the age of two with a screaming child because of the chance of a mother being taken to hospital in an emergency in those two years?

How likely is that?

Stars2theside · 30/09/2016 12:54

No I don't think you are at all!! As for those people saying 'about time someone else got to do bedtimes etc' sorry but, the child is not a possession to be handed around to people just because they want to have them. She's your daughter!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/09/2016 14:19

She's your daughter!

And her DH's funnily enough.

daisypond · 30/09/2016 14:40

"the child is not a possession to be handed around to people just because they want to have them. She's your daughter!

Exactly. She's not a possession. The OP doesn't own the child. She "belongs", if that's the right word, in a family - including the DP. Of course it's fine for the OP to say what she thinks is best for the child, but this is not just her decision. She is only one of the two parents who get equal say on what is best and hopefully can come to an agreement.

Kitsa · 30/09/2016 16:51

Well said Elphaba! I agree with you 100%.

OP, YANBU at all.