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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and PFB about this?

196 replies

AnonymousArmadillo · 29/09/2016 06:26

I have NC for this as possibly a bit outing but I promise I am a regular poster.

So my DP has suggested going for a few days to his parents house with DD. I'm working so can't go too.

I have only left DD overnight on one occasion before but she was still with DP so I didn't stress insesintly that much. But I just get this feeling that if DP goes up there, MIL will suggest he goes for a night on the town with his dad and brother (she has suggested that he go up and do this many times and I think she may take the opportunity when I'm not there to guilt trip DP) and leave DD with her. She has never had DD overnight before and DD can be a bit funny about bedtimes if its not me someone different and it can leave her really inconsolably upset. She is only 2. I am worried that if they go, this will happen and MIL won't know how to calm her down because she's never had to before.

AIBU PFB about this? Willing to accept and have a feeling that I am.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 29/09/2016 08:49

YABU but I would feel the same.

mouldycheesefan · 29/09/2016 09:03

It's the op that isn't ready, not her child! How will your child ever be put to bed by someone else if you don't let them? Let them go, enjoy a break

mummyto2monkeys · 29/09/2016 09:05

I don't think you are being unreasonable, my ds was first in this situation aged two when we had no other option (I was hospitalised) and my poor baby was unbelievably distressed. My husband ended up driving around all night, re starting the car every time ds woke up. We hadn't realised at the time that ds was autistic. So the combination of change of routine, Mummy not being there and being in a different house was too much for my little boy to bear. I knew it would be, which is why until forced into it I had not listened to those who insisted that I ignore my instincts and let mil/ my parents have him alone overnight. I knew my child would not cope in that situation, your instincts are telling you the same. I would listen to them. My daughter was completely different, (ds was four before he started being OK to stay overnight with my parents) where as at two my dd was happy staying overnight with my parents. I'm not suggesting that your Dr has autism, my pooint is to trust your instincts op.

Bogeyface · 29/09/2016 09:05

I dont know that you are actually.

Why would your MIL "guilt trip" him into going out? What does she care what his social life involves? Why is she so desperate to get DD all to herself? Seems like there might be more to this.

2kids2dogsnosense · 29/09/2016 09:15

I wouldn't let my child stay overnight at two with someone they weren't very familiar with. Children often develop separation anxiety around this age, and I would worry that she would be very distressed and that MIL wouldn't be able to comfort her. She is in a strange house with people not her parents (no matter how lovely they may be), so I would be really worried about that.

But that's just me Sad

paxillin · 29/09/2016 09:21

Worst case scenario, she doesn't sleep. So MIL will feed her her bodyweight in chocolate, let her watch cartoons until 10pm and sleep on the sofa. She'll have a ball.

bumsexatthebingo · 29/09/2016 09:25

YANBU. 2 is still very little. If you want to introduce MIL having her overnight then I would ask your dd first (if she is capable of understanding) and stay over at MILs with her (but let MIL see to her) or have MIL stay over at yours and put her to bed. Then if she is inconsolable your MIL won't have to be dragging her (possibly half cut) dad home to deal with her. If it goes well then maybe she can do overnights but no need to potentially have a very distressed child for no reason.

RiverTam · 29/09/2016 09:36

At aged 2 putting DD to bed wasn't that straightforward and could involve lots of up and down, lying down with her etc. my mum wouldn't have been up to that, MIL probably would be.

I was very anxious about leaving her. It probably would have been fine but I would have felt like you.

With DD, once she was asleep she would rarely wake. I would be happier knowing that DH would do the actual bedtime, and then went out.

ToastyFingers · 29/09/2016 09:56

I wouldn't do it personally. Dd1 is 3 and will of course be allowed to go on a sleepover when SHE wants to.

MIL has been pestering for a sleepover since before dd was born, and bought cat etc for her house.

I've asked dd if she wants to stay with Nanny and she always says no, "I want to sleep in my bed" so that's that.

I also really wouldn't like the sly aspect of this, MIL knows you're not comfortable with dd staying without you or dh and yet she tries to engineer a situation in which this happens, whilst you are too far away to have any say in the matter.

I wouldn't do it personally, but that's no judgement on those who do.

Amethyst81 · 29/09/2016 09:57

I'm like you, hate my DC being away from me and I worry a lot if they stay overnight somewhere, I always imagine the worst which isn't helpful to me. But in reality your DD will be fine, she's with her family who love her so try and not fret. Easier said than done I know.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 29/09/2016 09:57

What does she care what his social life involves? Why is she so desperate to get DD all to herself? Seems like there might be more to this.

Really? She's his mum and wants to encourage him to have a chance to go out and enjoy himself, it's probably not often that he does. I'm sure she would want the OP to get the chance too, if she wasn't working. Not sure what there is to be suspicious of, it's not a grandparent thinking they have rights to overnight stays as a pp suggested, it sounds to me like she's trying to be nice. It's a normal thing for a grandparent to suggest.

She can't force him to go out. And if he does, he will be back the same night. DD will be left for a few hours with grandma and daddy will be back soon, it's not like grandma wants to take her on holiday for a week.

diddl · 29/09/2016 10:17

"And if he does, he will be back the same night. DD will be left for a few hours with grandma "

Well this is it, isn't it?

Unless he goes on an absolute bender, the daughter isn't being left overnight.

Her father will put her to bed & be there in the morning.

Onlyonce · 29/09/2016 10:25

Personally I wouldn't leave my dd with anyone other than dp overnight. But that's just how I feel about it. Talk to dp about it. Don't be pressured into anything you aren't happy with as it will just get you stressed out.

SoupDragon · 29/09/2016 10:35

soupdragon- and not even necessary some of us think.

Not sure what that is supposed to mean in relation to my comment Confused

Anyway! there is nothing in the OPs posts to suggest her DD is not ready, just that she is not ready.

DerekSprechenZeDick · 29/09/2016 10:40

Why are FB you dancing and planning your free time?!

My son slept at my mums at 2 week old. He stays at his other grandmas once a week.

Then again I'm not super mum and don't want him around al the time either Grin

Batteriesallgone · 29/09/2016 10:46

First sleepover at grandparents house (ILs) here was a planned and discussed affair, with everyone excited about it. Not some weird behind my back arrangement.

I think if she's still unsettled with your DH doing bedtime there's a fair risk she'll be unsettled with MIL. And it's not for any great gain from what I can see unless you agree your DH really needs a night out with his DF and DB.

Don't think I'd do this tbh. They all grow out of being little. Don't know why it needs to be rushed.

Batteriesallgone · 29/09/2016 10:47

and DD can be a bit funny about bedtimes if its someone different and it can leave her really inconsolably upset

Surely this is the bit that implies her DD is not ready

Sparklesilverglitter · 29/09/2016 10:50

I'm sure it's natural feeling like this but the child will be with its Dad so I can't really see the problem, the child isn't going to not have any parent around.

I think sometimes parents like to think there child can not survive overnight without them, but in fact most DC are fine unless said parent makes it a massive drama

Eatthecake · 29/09/2016 10:54

As parents we sometimes like to think oh no our child won't survive without me but the reality is most are fine when away from home espically when with dad or grandparents, unless they see one parent cause a big drama.

Due to my work my DC have often gone away to parents in law with just DH just like I've taken the DC away alone due to his work.

His is the child's Dad so I see nothing wrong with him taking her away and seeing how it goes, I mean where is the harm really

user1474781546 · 29/09/2016 10:56

piglet

Strangly enough they are your OH child too. He doesn't need your permission.

Not my permission no, but it would be a joint decision.
At 2 years old and as a SAHM I was doing 90% of the childcare and 99% of the nighttime parenting. My OHs job meant he was often home very late and would stay away 2 or 3 nights a week. Therefore he knew I carried the can ( and knew our children) far better than he did. So something like this he would always ask and if I thought it was a good idea. If I didn't I would say so and he would accept that.

kilmuir · 29/09/2016 11:04

Good lord, your DD might have a great time with her grandparents.
You need to relax , enjoy your evening, let DP enjoy his time and let grandparents sort child out.

user1474781546 · 29/09/2016 11:19

kilmuir- the OP doesn't "need" to do anything, except make her own mind up on this.
There is no right answer here- we all parent differently. I am glad your way works for you- but it is not gospel.

I think it is important for the OP to hear a range of view about how others operate, but there is no right or wrong. It's something to make up her own mind about.

soundsystem · 29/09/2016 11:24

I completely know how you feel. We have an almost two year old and in this situation DH would put her to bed and then go out. Because he'd have a better night out knowing she was asleep and calm. I mean, sure, nothing terrible is going to happen if you let MiL give it a shot, but why give yourself the stress if you don't have to?

soundsystem · 29/09/2016 11:27

(And I'm not at all a clingy my-child-can't-cope-without-me mum, but bedtime is important to me, and it sounds like it is to you as well. Nothing at all wrong with that!)

StubbleTurnips · 29/09/2016 12:10

Another lone-ish, YANBU.

DD is a serial puker when she gets inconsolable at night, there is no way I'd put anyone else through it - she's 3.5 and only just stopped doing it. Until she's more verbal / cognescant I wouldn't leave her overnight with anyone other than DH. It works for us.

SIL however left her baby at 3 months and has been doing so regularly. That works for them!

Horses for courses and all that.

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