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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and PFB about this?

196 replies

AnonymousArmadillo · 29/09/2016 06:26

I have NC for this as possibly a bit outing but I promise I am a regular poster.

So my DP has suggested going for a few days to his parents house with DD. I'm working so can't go too.

I have only left DD overnight on one occasion before but she was still with DP so I didn't stress insesintly that much. But I just get this feeling that if DP goes up there, MIL will suggest he goes for a night on the town with his dad and brother (she has suggested that he go up and do this many times and I think she may take the opportunity when I'm not there to guilt trip DP) and leave DD with her. She has never had DD overnight before and DD can be a bit funny about bedtimes if its not me someone different and it can leave her really inconsolably upset. She is only 2. I am worried that if they go, this will happen and MIL won't know how to calm her down because she's never had to before.

AIBU PFB about this? Willing to accept and have a feeling that I am.

OP posts:

Fulltimemummy85 · 29/09/2016 12:12

Unless the grandparents are horrendous leave her, nothing bad will happen. Mine go to grandparents regularly I love the time with hubby and they love being with their grandparents.

ILoveDolly · 29/09/2016 12:23

I think it's perfectly normal to be totally apprehensive in this situation if it's your first time leaving her totally in charge of other people (including OH). However, my opinion is that, as you can see, most people have tried it and it's gone fine. You have to try and trust other caregivers to do the right thing. Ultimately in the long run it does you no good to restrict yourselves like this. If your daughter learns to manage bedtime with other people who love her that will be freeing for both you and her.

sherbetpips · 29/09/2016 12:30

YABU - but you also need to make sure you chill out and distract yourself because I think you already recognise that you are probably the cause of the stress rather than anything your DP or daughter may do. It is important to recognise when you are trying to control things (I literally have to reprimand myself when I start doing it and step back) and that the control/rules you are putting in place is what is causing the problem.
Have a plan of what you are going to do whilst they are away so you dont obsess over it and please don't keep checking on them, once is enough any more is insulting to your mil and dp.

Boosiehs · 29/09/2016 12:36

It is entirely up to you, but in your circumstances I think not letting her stay with DG is a but PFB and YABU.

I have left DS1 with my mum several times - he was with my DH several times alone if I had to travel for work.

DS2 has yet to be left with my DM, but will be (with DS1) in November when we are going away.

A work colleague once told me that leaving a child before 18 months overnight away from primary caregiver causes trauma. It clearly doesn't. Just after I had told her I had left DS1 at less than 12 months. People can be mean.

Lickedthespoon · 29/09/2016 12:38

I don't think YABU, Mothers naturally don't want to leave their kids right!? I never fully enjoy myself if my DS stays at grandparents overnight (and that's a 5min drive away)

MackerelOfFact · 29/09/2016 12:41

From the sounds of your OP, it does seem as though she gets upset when DH puts her to bed anyway, so it won't make all that much difference if he's there or not, will it?

At 2, she's only going to be 'inconsolable' until she exhausts herself and falls asleep (probably, as a PP said, on the sofa or in MIL's bed!) She's not going to be at home so her usual familiar bedtime setup is going to be different anyway, and she might well suprise you.

This is one of those things where you eventually just have to grit your teeth and pull the plaster off, because she won't get used to spending the night with other people until she actually does it.

Notonthestairs · 29/09/2016 12:41

I get why you are worried. But I would try it - if you think this is whats going to happen why not speak to your MIL and talk to her about what your DD likes at bedtime. I get this might mean paving the way for this to happen but if its going to happen on the sly anyway then I'd get in there and start setting out what MIGHT happen and how best to help her settle.

I had to leave my DD at the same age for one night with Granny when she was sick. It was totally unavoidable but I cried buckets. I also left copious notes as to what to do (ridiculous because my mum was a nurse and very, very good with children). Honestly the next day my DD was quite cross with me but after a two minute strop she was fine. The upside was that she totally bonded with my DM.

Nothing wrong with fretting over it but I think it might be unreasonable to refuse permission.

GipsyDanger · 29/09/2016 12:44

Yabu for being the only one to do bedtime. Yanbu on the overnight thing

Magicpaintbrush · 29/09/2016 12:47

Sorry, though I knew most MN lingo but what is PFB?

Batteriesallgone · 29/09/2016 13:01

Gipsy there might be any number of practical reasons why OP is the only one who does bedtime. I do bedtime because of DHs work. Doesn't make me a clingy/controlling parent who can't let go.

user1474781546 · 29/09/2016 13:04

magicpaintbrush- Precious First Born. Usually used as an insult.

Mumnone · 29/09/2016 13:23

YANBU I felt the same when my wee one went to sleep at her dads for the first time. I was actually terrified. But do you know what, she coped just fine.

Kids are smart and as long as shes loved and cared for she will go to sleep like an angel.

Enjoy the full nights sleep.

Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2016 13:41

The use of 'precious first born' (as an insult) is so stupid. If she is your first born then that's a fact and of course (one would hope) she is precious.

So you decide what you think is right for her. And then don't feel guilty or bad. Grandparents are not 'owed' nights of looking after their grandkids. Some may well do it, some brilliantly but it is not something you or your partner should be required to offer!

If you are happy, fine, let her go, if not, then don't.

It's worrying your MIL would try and 'guilt' your partner into leaving your child with her. That sounds unpleasant. "But I just get this feeling that if DP goes up there, MIL will suggest he goes for a night on the town with his dad and brother (she has suggested that he go up and do this many times and I think she may take the opportunity when I'm not there to guilt trip DP) and leave DD with her. " It sounds like she is a bit unpleasant and you can't trust your dp to stick to what you agree to.

My kids have only ever stayed with me or dp, except on one occasion when my dd stayed with my sister. I'd be happy for them to stay a night with grandparents if they wanted to, but I am not sure they want to and Grandparents have never really offered (dd used to find going to be very difficult when younger).

It's not wrong for you to not want your 1 year old to stay with their granny. But if you decide to let this happen, just make sure your MIL knows what to expect and what you expect her to do in response.

The fact your MIL raised one child isn't really the main factor, my kids have been looked after by people who have not raised any kids, but who I love and trust to do the right thing. That's the key bit for me.

Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2016 13:43

Sorry, 2-year-old.

BertrandRussell · 29/09/2016 13:45

Brilliant that this has turned into a mil bashing thread!

TheSunnySide · 29/09/2016 13:49

I don't think you are. My 5 year old has never stayed the night at someone else's house, only part of one. For my mum's sake I don't leave him there for her to do the bedtimes often. There are plenty of people who find it easy to leave their kids with someone else, perhaps their kids are used to self-settling or drifting off to sleep? Many other people have kids who don't fall asleep like that and it's not PFB to worry about that.

GipsyDanger · 29/09/2016 14:45

batter way to put many words into my mouth

GipsyDanger · 29/09/2016 14:48

having more than 1 person for bedtime is more about convenience. you can have a cup of tea for example while the father does bedtime and visa versa. You are the one who said clingy/controlling. Projecting a wee bit there love?

ElphabaTheGreen · 29/09/2016 14:48

This is one of those things where you eventually just have to grit your teeth and pull the plaster off, because she won't get used to spending the night with other people until she actually does it.

I couldn't disagree more. I didn't make my first child stay over at his GPs when he was two so he'd 'get used to it' for his own good, because he would have screamed the house down and not understood why we were leaving him. By the time he was four, could fully understand what was going on and his sleeping patterns had sufficiently matured, he spent his first night with them with no grief, tears or hassle for anyone. They'll do it when they're ready. They don't need to be forced into it.

And as for the OP 'enjoying herself' while her child is away, I think that's unlikely given the worries she's expressed. She'd sit at home stewing and waiting for texted updates, if the GPs are thoughtful enough to send them. It would be shit, even if her DD does end up having no problems whatsoever.

Strifae64 · 29/09/2016 14:53

Our DS has stayed at both his GP's overnight since he was 3 months old, usually once a fortnight or sometimes once a week. It was a massive break for my wife and for me and he has a absolutely fantastic bond with his GP's and also with us.

I think children will surprise you, admittedly our DS is now very used to staying with GP's due to the above as was done from such a young age but I don't think 1 night will do any harm. Heck our DS is 1 and he still has bad nights whether he is at home or at GP lol

chocorabbit · 29/09/2016 15:49

My 4 year old DD only a few months ago would spend the whole day at her grandparents and cry if I took her and then at night time she would cry because she wanted to come home! Nobody could predict how she would react. Separation anxiety exists for 2 yo too!

Having said that, I have never regretted leaving her with MIL overnight so she gets used to it and if the need arises MIL can look after her without DD fussing too much. Of course one step at a time.

Batteriesallgone · 29/09/2016 16:04

Gipsy sorry it's just that these threads always go the same way. I do bedtime. It's not possible for us to share bedtime regularly and people often don't consider that in their responses.

Gottagetmoving · 29/09/2016 16:11

I think the child will cope better than the mother.
I would rather my child got used to staying with a grandparent so that if there was ever a time they HAD to, they would be used to it.

user1474781546 · 29/09/2016 16:15

*This is one of those things where you eventually just have to grit your teeth and pull the plaster off, because she won't get used to spending the night with other people until she actually does it.
*

I totally disagree too. Kids do these things in their own time, it's not a case of having to be hardened to it. My kids would have cried without me at 2 years old, at 4 or 5 they happily skipped into grandma's for a sleepover.

Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2016 16:17

I totally agree with ElphabaTheGreen.

I once ripped off a plaster and it caught my skin and hurt a lot. Easing it off would have been better.

And anyway, one has to take off a plaster, one doesn't have to leave little ones with relatives, necessarily overnight. If you do need to do it, for an emergency or whatever then you cope. But this is not the same situation.

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