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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and PFB about this?

196 replies

AnonymousArmadillo · 29/09/2016 06:26

I have NC for this as possibly a bit outing but I promise I am a regular poster.

So my DP has suggested going for a few days to his parents house with DD. I'm working so can't go too.

I have only left DD overnight on one occasion before but she was still with DP so I didn't stress insesintly that much. But I just get this feeling that if DP goes up there, MIL will suggest he goes for a night on the town with his dad and brother (she has suggested that he go up and do this many times and I think she may take the opportunity when I'm not there to guilt trip DP) and leave DD with her. She has never had DD overnight before and DD can be a bit funny about bedtimes if its not me someone different and it can leave her really inconsolably upset. She is only 2. I am worried that if they go, this will happen and MIL won't know how to calm her down because she's never had to before.

AIBU PFB about this? Willing to accept and have a feeling that I am.

OP posts:
CasanovaFrankenstein · 30/09/2016 17:52

Yanbu. Kids are different. Wouldn't have left mine until I was sure he understood properly. We've talked about it this year (he's just 4) and he's keen on staying over so you'll prob find once past the 3 year mark it all changes. We've not done it yet - but has not been due to reluctance on our part, it's been practical reasons.

Lamaitresse · 30/09/2016 17:52

OP I haven't read all the thread, but from what I've read you and I sound a bit similar Grin
I too hated the idea of leaving either of my two - ds is now 9 and is fine, but dd is only 2 so I feel your stress and worry. I have to say though that your dd might surprise you... I had to go into hospital as an emergency last year, and was in for two weeks. Before then, the idea of spending two weeks without my children was something I couldn't cope with at all. I was too ill so only saw them twice during that time - my dad came over from the uk and held the fort and ending up looking after them for three weeks. Dh works long hours so it has always been me that put dd to bed & I was too ill to speak so my wonderful dad just had to get on with it. Suffice it to say the kids survived, and had a wonderful time being looked after by granddad!
I actually think it's a good opportunity for your dd to go somewhere where you know she is safe & loved. I'm sure she will be fine, and if your dh does go out then maybe he could put her to bed first?
I went away for a girly weekend earlier this year and it did make it easier that I'd left the kids before. This time it was my choice though, and I have to say it was liberating!!

YuckyMummy88 · 30/09/2016 18:18

Going to buck the trend and disagree. I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to leave your LO. My MIL will hands down never be left alone with any child of mine.

That being said, if you are ptentially going to need an overnight sitter, that could be a good opportunity to do it, as your DP could be there to do bedtime first, then will be coming back later in the night. It could be a nie, gentle start.

At the end of the day, it's your decision IMHO :-)

SooBee61 · 30/09/2016 18:24

PFB = please find below??

dalmatianmad · 30/09/2016 18:27

Thought you were gonna say she was a few weeks old Grin

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/09/2016 18:31

PFB = please find below

Precious first born

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/09/2016 18:32

At the end of the day, it's your decision IMHO :-)

So the child's father has no say then?

YuckyMummy88 · 30/09/2016 19:02

Piglet I should perhaps have phrased that differently (I'm terrible at explaining myself). I didn't mean to imply that the father has no say. I was coming from the angle of her DP is happy, only OP has to decide if she is too. I would have said the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot and it was her DP who wasn't comfortable leaving with his MIL :-)

AncestralRhubarb · 30/09/2016 19:09

Grandparents won't be around forever. Make the most of it. Your dd is lucky to have a grandmother who wants to have her overnight and build a relationship with her; I would be encouraging that and putting my anxieties to one side.

user1474781546 · 30/09/2016 19:19

AncestralRhubarb but this isn't about the grandmother or the OPs "anxieties", it's about the child.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/09/2016 19:21

it's about the child.

Who will probably be perfectly ok with GM.

Batteriesallgone · 30/09/2016 19:32

It is a bit odd that it sounds like MIL would encourage the DH to be sneaky about it.

Child staying at grandparents totally fine and normal, child being looked after by GPs, not DH, without discussion is a bit off IMO.

It's hard for me because MIL is a big part of our lives so if DH took the kids over there the idea of MIL taking sole charge of the kids wouldn't bother me - in an emergency she'd be my second phone call after DH anyway.

But if MIL wasn't so close and hadn't had my kids before I wouldn't like it at all if the first time was behind my back. It's a principle thing for me I think. Not really behaviour that builds trust IMO.

AncestralRhubarb · 30/09/2016 20:04

Yes, it's about the child - the child making the most of having a grandparent. Benefiting from that relationship.

BertrandRussell · 30/09/2016 20:21

I don't understand why there would have to be discussion. If my dp was (they are grown up now) in charge of my children for a weekend, I wouldn't have expected him to check with me before he left them with someone else- particularly his mother. And I wouldnmt have t checked with him either. If you're the parent on duty, then you're the parent on duty.

mummylove2monsters · 30/09/2016 20:21

YANBU !!!! If your gut says no then it's a no - also it feels as if she's being slightly underhanded by suggesting it in your absence without consulting you ? That's probably why you feel the way you do - call me crazy but I'd like to be consulted when a decision is made regarding my children xxxx

BertrandRussell · 30/09/2016 20:24

Guts are notoriously bad at thinking........

Batteriesallgone · 30/09/2016 20:48

Depends on the relationship then Bertrand. No way would I or DH leave the kids with someone else if they hadn't had them before and we hadn't discussed it. DH feels exactly the same and was a bit shocked at the idea that because I'm alone with the kids I might make that decision alone.

Jonesey1972 · 30/09/2016 21:00

Of course you're not- you know your child. To say a child should be ok because he/she is a certain age is ridiculous... Clearly kids are individuals and cope differently with situations. Do what you think is right.

PippiLePeril · 30/09/2016 21:33

YANBU. My son is 3 and he wouldn't settle for anyone but DH and I. Knowing my son the way I do I feel quite confident in saying that he'll not be staying overnight at anyone else's house until he's at least at school. FACT.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/09/2016 21:58

YANBU !!!! If your gut says no then it's a no

So the father gets no say then.

PutUpWithRain · 30/09/2016 22:06

YANBU, but you also are. I understand. Horrible to think of your PFB being distressed when you're not there. DS was nearly two before I agreed to my parents having him for a night, and I was in pieces. She will be fine, and so will you eventually. It might even be easier for you that you don't feel like you're 'leaving' her, IYSWIM. Hugs, though. First times are the worst.

Superstar90 · 30/09/2016 22:11

I'm with you op - I would have hated this situation too. You need to have words with your DH as to what you are comfortabke with and hopefully he'll agree. Ultimately it's not about the mil'a capability but about your child and if they are used to you putting them to bed how unsettling it will be for someone not even your DH to do it. There's nothing wrong with being strongly attached to your child - she's still only 2 after all!

lozzylizzy · 30/09/2016 22:24

To be honest I get a bit weirded out with the thought of my kids sleeping out but I'm better now with my 2 year old at my mums as she has her two older brothers and they all share a double bed so she has some comfort.

BertrandRussell · 30/09/2016 22:54

You need to have words with your DH as to what you are comfortabke with and hopefully he'll agree" Why should he? What makes the mother boss parent?

Superstar90 · 30/09/2016 23:02

Didn't say it was so bertr! Her OH could just as well start the conversation and set out what he's comfortable with or not! In this case tho it's the mother feeling uncomfortable so needs to raise her concerns - that hopefully he'll agree - is that hopefully her OH will be on same page re leaving their DD or they can find a compromise that he sticks to - as all joint decisions should be