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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and PFB about this?

196 replies

AnonymousArmadillo · 29/09/2016 06:26

I have NC for this as possibly a bit outing but I promise I am a regular poster.

So my DP has suggested going for a few days to his parents house with DD. I'm working so can't go too.

I have only left DD overnight on one occasion before but she was still with DP so I didn't stress insesintly that much. But I just get this feeling that if DP goes up there, MIL will suggest he goes for a night on the town with his dad and brother (she has suggested that he go up and do this many times and I think she may take the opportunity when I'm not there to guilt trip DP) and leave DD with her. She has never had DD overnight before and DD can be a bit funny about bedtimes if its not me someone different and it can leave her really inconsolably upset. She is only 2. I am worried that if they go, this will happen and MIL won't know how to calm her down because she's never had to before.

AIBU PFB about this? Willing to accept and have a feeling that I am.

OP posts:
diddl · 29/09/2016 17:07

" because she won't get used to spending the night with other people until she actually does it."

Does she have to get used to spending the night elsewhere??

I never stayed over at Gps.

We all lived close by so there was no need.

I did do the odd sleepover when I'd started school.

Purple52 · 29/09/2016 17:14

If DD is 2. Is she just 2? Or nearly 3. Big difference at that age! & how is her language & understanding?
Can you tell her she's going on a special holiday with Daddy & going to spend some time with Granny? & Granny can read her lots of stories at bed time. - etc etc - fluff it up - put your anxieties aside & tell her she's going to love it?! Then chances are she will!!
She'll miss you & you'll miss her - just make time and effort to spend time together on their return.

There are ALOT of hurdles in parenting you may not be ready for & DD may not be ready for. But sometimes we just have to "go with it" (within reason!)

Original poster
AnonymousArmadillo · 29/09/2016 18:05

Just to clarify. DP puts her to bed quite frequently but if she wants me, she can kick up quite a fuss for an extended period of time.

His parents live just out of London and he and his brother and dad would be in London so at least an hour on the train away. We live 2 hours away so I couldn't go and rescue her if DD was inconsolable.

And, it's nothing to do with capability. They don't see DD all that often though so she is not as comfortable around them as she is with my DPs (we live a lot closer to them). We have never left her overnight with them either though.

OP posts:
Dieu · 29/09/2016 18:37

I will never understand mums like this (sorry OP, you do sound lovely though!) Wink I'd be pushing them out the door! I am willing to admit however that my parenting style could best be described as 'laid-back' Grin

AnythingMcAnythingface · 29/09/2016 18:47

Just to clarify. DP puts her to bed quite frequently but if she wants me, she can kick up quite a fuss for an extended period of time.

Could that be because you are in the other room ready to swoop in and undermine DP...?

AnythingMcAnythingface · 29/09/2016 18:50

Sorry I hit post too soon. What I mean is if this is the case then she will settle just fine whenever she absolutely knows there is no option for this.

(would also have changed swoops in, sounds a bit unkind)

user1474781546 · 29/09/2016 19:48

OP- do what you feel is right.

Your instinct is your best tool as a mother. We here- a bunch of random strangers don't matter, as you see it's a mixed bag of responses- there really is no right answer, and if anyone tells you otherwise they are talking rubbish.

It's your baby, your family.

FitLikeQuine79 · 29/09/2016 20:04

Another voice saying YANBU. DD1 (also 2 years old) is used to her routine and would be upset if a DGP put her to bed as she used to me or DH doing it. I think the same, all her DGPs are capable but she doesn't know them well enough to be ok with it. She's never stayed away from home but will when I feel she's ready.

Do what you think is best for your DD op.

Princesspink999 · 29/09/2016 20:06

Would never have left mine - would honestly struggle to leave my daughter now and she's 5! Would love to feel I could but I'd worry so much it wouldn't be worth it!

Original poster
AnonymousArmadillo · 29/09/2016 20:08

No, I try never to swoop in. I usually disappear off before bedtime because if I'm there around bedtime, she asks for me.

I'm just really worried about her being upset and it going on and on. Even when we leave her for an evening, I panic the whole time that something's gone wrong. I hate having to turn my phone off in the cinema or theatre because I'm convinced something will happen.

I love my MIL dearly but she doesn't always think things through completely and she often gets her way. When DD was about 3mo, she said: "Oh you must let us take her for a walk around the block. We'll only be 10 minutes." I reluctantly let her go and was a mess within minutes. Shocked DP somewhat. An hour and a half later, they finally show back up. "What took you so long? We tried ringing you." (DP, not me) "Oh sorry, she was quite upset but we eventually got her to sleep and then just kept walking..."

OP posts:
Princecharlesfirstwife · 29/09/2016 20:22

well from your last post you sound really rather anxious. If you can't even go to the cinema without panicking then that's a bit sad for you tbh.

user1474781546 · 29/09/2016 20:26

princecharles- I wouldn't have gone to the cinema when my kids were 2 years old. I am not an anxious person, just didn't leave them with people to go out in the evening.

Nothing wrong with that.

Batteriesallgone · 29/09/2016 20:28

Wow Prince judgey much?

Kjs81 · 29/09/2016 20:56

No you're definitely not. I hated staying anywhere else as a child and am determined that my 3 year old only will when he's old enough to ask to. We've had one overnight away from him but his grandparents stayed in our house so he got to sleep in his own bed.
Trust your own instincts - it's your child, nobody else's so just do what you feel is right. I see it as one day I'll have all the time in the world for time on my own, nights away etc - what's a few years now of not? If being separated from your lo at night makes either of you sad, then don't! It's really that simple Smile

normage · 29/09/2016 21:05

YANBU. Follow your instincts! I couldn't have done that, although I wouldn't criticize anyone who did. Every situation is unique. All anyone can do is say what they did/would do, but only you know what is best for your daughter. At the end of the day, that is all that matters. You sound like a lovely Mum and Dad is really involved, but this seems like a step too far for you. Don't apologise for how you feel and don't be pressurised by anyone to do something you know in advance you are not comfortable with.

Iwantamarshmallow · 29/09/2016 21:06

YANBU Its up too you who puts your child to bed if your MIL knows how you feel then she is unreasonable to do this when your not there. However unless you're worried it could hurt DD I would let MIL have her way this time. If DD screams the house down and MIL has to get DP to come home it serves them both right and it's unlikely she'll do it again

Lifeonthefarm · 29/09/2016 21:12

Your child at the end of the day!

If how pfb you are is OK with you then it's fine, accept that sleep overs are not on the cards yet.

If you can't handle the cinema I really don't think this sleep over is a good idea.

If you don't trust them with her, or for her to be ok there then don't, chances are she would be absolutely fine but there's not much to gain if your "night off" is going to be full of worry.

I would worry a bit if I were you though that your clingyness (not right word but I'm tired) is going to rub off on the little one, if you worry when she is with someone else then she might start to worry too, just be careful it all doesn't come back to bite you in the bum if these sorts of feelings go on forever. I am not saying leave her for the night, but you probably ought to try to work up to a relaxed night out at the cinema, just for the sake of your own sanity.

normage · 29/09/2016 21:21

What's pfb?

user1474781546 · 29/09/2016 21:25

marshmallo If DD screams the house down and MIL has to get DP to come home it serves them both right and it's unlikely she'll do it again

A child is not some chess piece to be used in a game like this.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 29/09/2016 21:29

Am I missing something here?
This isn't an overnight sleepover with MIL looking after DD. Her dad can put her to bed, go to the pub and be back within a few hours. MIL probably won't need to do anything, except be in the same house in case she wakes up, and if she does what's the worst that could happen? Dad comes home earlier than planned. DD will have someone there to cuddle and comfort her. She will be fine. She might not even notice he's been gone. They don't have to go to London, they could go somewhere closer by, maybe as a compromise? So dad will be back the same night and there in the morning. We're talking about a matter of hours.

If it goes badly then it's a night cut short, if it goes well it might be a big relief for you and a step to less anxiety when leaving her OP. I'd give it a chance and see how it goes.

diddl · 29/09/2016 21:37

"Its up too you who puts your child to bed "

And if she's away with her father then it's up to him!

newmumwithquestions · 29/09/2016 21:54

normage pfb - precious first born ie overprotective (usually a bit neurotically so!)

newmumwithquestions · 29/09/2016 22:01

I think YANBU. You know your DD.
I've had other people put DD to bed (obviously other than OH). I've been pressurised to do it and it's not gone well.

I disagree with the whole 'well they've done it before so they know what they are doing' argument. I might have a lot of practice of settling babies and toddlers at the moment but I wouldn't dream of putting friends kids to bed (unless they needed someone to help out in an emergency of course) - why do family members automatically assume that they'll be able to do it easily?

normage · 29/09/2016 23:22

Thanks newmumwithquestions.

Dieu · 30/09/2016 01:30

Have just skimmed the latter part of thread … but people with 2 year olds never going out to the cinema in the evening. Sorry, but something is amiss there. How do you know it'll be ok (or not!) if you never try?