Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

[backtothegrindstone]

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

Do you know whether the invitations were posted or hand delivered? If it was via post, perhaps invite could be lost?

The wedding is this weekend. Honestly, do you think no one would have checked if they hadn't heard from someone they'd invited?

There is no way to make a "pointed dig" without looking like a bitch. And to be honest, you aren't coming across well.

It's nothing to do with you if they invite someone YOU don't consider as close a friend!

You will just have to be mature about it. No comments on Facebook. Just politely 'Like' some of her posts.

Could it be you have kids and there would be too many of you so she's just not inviting that many people with kids?
I've seen that happen a fair bit when you are a family with kids. They can only afford to pay for so many dinners and only their kids/immediate family kids are invited, so if they feel they can't tell people to leave their 4 kids at home so it's easier to just not invite them.
Just rise above it and let it go.

She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties.

That is weird.

Just unfollow her on Facebook and say nothing.

Just act as if you dont care.

Bin

I understand your hurt. My friend and I had known each other from infant school and had remained very close even though we went to different secondary schools. She was my bridesmaid, I had an important role in her first wedding and I was godparent to her first child. I was there when her marriage broke down and her child was seriously ill. I was so pleased for her when she announced she was marrying again and understood completely when she explained that it would be a small wedding with just parents, siblings and children of her and her fiance. I happily attended the her night where I discovered that everyone else present (former colleagues and wives of her fiance's colleagues) was invited to the wedding. I was the only one not going, yet I was her longest standing friend and one who she constantly claimed as her 'best friend ' . I held it together until I got home, but then I cried. The hurt really cut through me. I did send a card and the present I had chosen so carefully and lovingly. But after that I decided that clearly I was not the friend she had allowed me to believe I was and that I thought I was. I made the painful decision not to continue the friendship and I no longer have anything to do with her. The saddest thing is, had she been honest with me I could have accepted her decision, but to do it in the way she did made me feel humiliated and I could never have done that to a friend.

Be done.
I can't see how you have done anything wrong.

You are not coming across badly in your posts either. You sound surprised and hurt. I would be too.

Her loss.

And yes, move on,

I didn't invite my oldest friend to my wedding, I went to hers, as it was an 800 round trip and she had three little ones so assumed she wouldn't come plus for many other reasons I barely thought about who I could invite. I still feel really bad and will need to talk to her about it one day. It's ridiculous as it was 17 years ago and it's only recently I've been thinking shit, I should have asked her.

show you are a good friend then, accept her decision bout who she invites to her own wedding. However long wedding lists are, there is always going to be someone who winges about being left out. Can't win.

I'm sorry OP, that sounds hugely painful and seeing a friendship for what it really is has been really difficult for me too at times. But at least you know, at least you can see where you stand, and you can now choose what to do. I think you should do something fab this weekend and really spoil yourself and look after you, because this sounds like something you will need a bit of time to work though. You're not alone though, you're really not, it really hurts when someone doesn't feel the same about us.

Oh soup that is the most shittest thing that somebody could do. Not only not inviting you, who you thought to be close friends, but inviting you to the night before, and you discovering that every man and their dog were invited except you, and she said that she was having a small family wedding. Nasty, your well rid of her.

soup she basically rubbed your face in it by inviting you to the hen, as she knew you would find out from there, nice! Did she contact you after, or try to apologise.

soup that's horrendous

It reminds me of the horrible trick a friend played on me when I was 14. We all went round for an evening.

I got picked up by my Mum about 10, nobody else was leaving, at which point it became evident I was the only one not staying over. I cried so much, I didn't get up the next day.

A nasty bullying thing to do.

Oh no Every that is awful, and very nasty, but for an adult who is a supposidly good friend to soup to do that is just shitty. What did she hope to achieve by pulling that stunt!

You haven't said whether you were invited to a Hen night OP? A couple of us have asked.

Could it have got lost? I think I'd get a mutual friend to casually ask "is x coming" and see what the response was.

It wouldn't bother me. It would save having to sort a present, clothes, babysitter and to top it all many weddings I have been to ended in divorce!
Wish her all the best and move on

It's a shifty thing to do op, but I'd have to find out in a round about way, why I'd hadn't been asked

Ah, I can see the confusion. No, I sent a message saying best of luck and have a nice wedding. And I now intend to mentally close the door on the friendship. I didn't say that in the message.

From your OP, it does seem really strange that you're not invited. Can't understand some on here who say you're not coming across well???

When the inevitable million pictures of the wedding day go up on Facebook, just like and comment "congratulations, it looks like you had a lovely day and it's a shame I couldn't be there to share it with you. Wish you and your Husband every happiness".

To me that's not bitchy, as the fact is you COULDN'T be there to share it, as you weren't invited. However, it gets the point across that you know you weren't invited without asking why.

Plus other people who see your comment will inevitably ask either you or her why you couldn't be there, and you say because you didn't get an invite.

No, former friend never apologised or explained. I decided that I would wait for her to contact me after the wedding, but she never did, not even a thank you for the gift. I know she got it as I dropped it round to her mum's the day before the wedding. Her mum hadn't realised until then that I hadn't been invited. She was surprised as well. I thought very hard about whether I had done anything to upset her, but genuinely couldn't think of anything. Hey ho, over 30 years of friendship wiped out in a few minutes.

e1y1 That's a quick way to bring lots of unnecessary drama to someone else's wedding pictures and make it all about you.

If the friendship is over then it's surely better to exit it gracefully.

Thats a good way to deal with it. Her loss IMO.