Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

[backtothegrindstone]

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

[passingthrough1]

If you're upset just don't contact her again, writing something on her Facebook photos seems really mean (and quite immature? Especially if you're planning it now?). I get that you're annoyed though, weddings are a minefield ...

[manicinsomniac]

I'd be gutted too (it's not about the wedding, it's what the lack of invite says about your value to her as a friend).

I wouldn't say anything though. She hasn't necessarily done anything wrong, she may just see your friendship differently to how you do. Which is really hurtful and upsetting for you but not her fault and she doesn't deserve blame - either direct or passive aggressive.

I don't think it would be a bad thing (after the event!) to gently broach the topic and say directly that you were hurt but I personally wouldn't do it. Posting comments on facebook will just make you look pathetic, I'm afraid.

A few years ago a group of friends I had at university (not my closest group but people I considered myself to be very friendly with) had a reunion and there were 3 or 4 us not invited. I knew nothing about it till I saw a group photo on facebook. At which point I felt a bit like I'd been hit in the stomach, might have cried a bit and realised we'd grown further apart than I'd realised. One of the others not invited posted a comment, 'where was my invite?' Nobody responded. It was one of the most awkward things I've ever seen on facebook. Really cringeworthy.

Don't be that person

[Pigeonpost]

Moral high ground. Simple congrats will do then unfollow if you wish.

[PurpleDaisies]

Wedding guest lists can be a nightmare. In your position is probably be surprised but not want to make a big deal of it.

Definitely don't post about it on Facebook. If you want to say something, do it privately, preferable in person.

[ProseccoBitch]

I'd be upset too but also wondering if my invite had gone astray so you'd better say something (nice) quickly just in case! What about a nice message saying you hope she has a fantastic day at the weekend and enjoys every second or similar?

[Waffles80]

Could you have upset her, somehow?

We didn't invite one of my uni friends to our wedding as we were just fed up of his drunk behaviour and his eye-watering stinginess. Once brought a bottle of whisky to a New Year's Party - made a huge show of presenting it to my partner (it was crap whisky), and then took it with him at the end of the night. Was constantly doing things like this - ordering expensive drinks / chasers wth drinks and NEVER buying a round.

We decided we didn't want him at our wedding and that he just wasn't a good friend. He kept asking mutual friends (who were also trying to cut loose too) in the run up to ours about it, so obviously took him a while to twig he wasn't invited.

[backtothegrindstone]

Haha, no, nothing like that, never had any upsets as far as I know!

[AmeliaJack]

I had this happen to me.

I took the high road and sent a nice card and a small gift.

She never contacted me again not even to thank me but I felt happy knowing that I had behaved properly.

[CodyKing]

Yes - send a card

Leave her to make contact in future -

Stop chasing

Her loss

[tofutti]

Defriend
Detach
Disengage

No need to say anything unless she approaches you.

[PansyGiraffe]

I don't think it's gone astray - wouldn't the bride have contacted you before now to ask if you were coming or not? You're not invited.

If you like her and want to be friends, then send her a nice congratulations on your wedding card and mean what you say.

Pointed comments on Facebook will make you look an arse, and that the bride made the right call.

[Lorelei76]

if you see each other "from time to time" and it is a smallish wedding, it's not that strange is it?

If you are upset, I think it's better to just tell her rather than make a barbed remark. But tbh the best option would be say nothing. Maybe it was an unequal friendship, in which case I'd step away.

[rhiaaaaaaaannon]

So how often do you actually see her? A few times a year or more?

I think you are being a bit petty. I understand feeling hurt but I don't think saying something pointed is the way to go. I'd take it that our friendship didn't mean as much as u thought it did and take a step back from her.

[russiandwarf]

I would be upset too. Match the lack of invite with lack of congratulations and say nothing at all! Ha!

[Littleballerina]

Send her a card.
Be happy for your friend. Be gracious.

[Benedikte2]

Backto send her a wee card and gift (for old times sake) with a note to say congrats and hope you have a lovely day, will be thinking of you. Send this asap

Just presume there's a good reason she couldn't invite you and leave it up to her to either tell you why she couldn't or realise she's made a mistake and ought to have.
For the sake of the relationship you have had in the past do the right and generous thing and you won't regret it.
Good luck

[BalloonSlayer]

The thing is people who are really reserved, hate being the centre of attention, would rather elope etc, who have small weddings because of this don't generally go on and on about their WEDDING !!! on Facebook every five minutes.

I'd send a card and then detatch.

[george1020]

I would be really upset too.

I understand that she can invite whoever and it's better to just forget it but I would still be really sad if it was me.

Maybe just a quick 'hear your wedding is x date, hope you have a wonderful day' at least then you feel like you have said something.

Do something lovely with your family that day and I would probably de-friend or hide her posts on Facebook.

[backtothegrindstone]

Absolutely BalloonSlayer. It's not a tiny wedding, I already know enough about it to know that!

[EverySongbirdSays]

I was recently not invited to the wedding of someone I'd have invited if I was getting married, was a bit hurt, but said nothing and wished er well on the day, surely it's up to them? I haven't asked her much about the wedding day though as I'd rather not have the awkward conversation about yeah sorry about that BUT

Was there no hen night? Surely not being asked to her hen was a clue? It was for me.

[Qwebec]

if you consider yourself her friend, shurely she is important enough that you can talk to her about this? Would it not sadden you to chuck an 18y old relationship without giving trying to make it work? If you are too shy to ask, probably she is too uncomfortable to mention it too. If your friendship is over, well at least it won't be over assuptions. Talk to her.

[SquawkFish]

One of my best friends didn't invite me to their wedding. I've known her for over 20 years. I was invited to their engagement party to help them celebrate their engagement. She'd become increasingly "too busy to meet up" (or cancel the last minute as something better came up) in the months prior to her wedding, but there were always photographs of her doing things with other people (pit fall of social media). I even messaged to make sure I hadn't upset her in anyway at one point (and got a reply saying I hadn't).

When her wedding day came I sent a card and a gift. I didn't get any acknowledgement or a thank you.

In the end it's her life and it's her choice who she hangs out with and invites to her wedding. I've decided that I'll be here if she wants to get back in contact, but I am certainly not going to raise it with her, or run around trying to contact her to arrange a meet up.

Obviously, I am still a bit gutted I missed celebrating her big day with her.

[Lorelei76]

this sort of thing happens from time to time OP - isn't it just a natural thing that sometimes in life we like people more than they like us and vice versa?

you sound quite bitter about it. I get that it's not nice when you like someone much more but I think in that case you need to unfriend her on Facebook and mentally move on.

[Enidblyton1]

I would also send her a card (or at least a private message) saying congratulations and hope last minute planning going well, will be thinking of you on the big day etc. And that you'd love to meet up to see the photos afterwards.

You never know, it COULD be that you've been missed off the invites by mistake or it COULD be a very small wedding. Either way, I would just be really nice about it. A snide response on fb may make you feel better for a second, but you'll end up regretting it.

though, as it's never nice feeling like you've been left out - we've all been there....