Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

[backtothegrindstone]

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

[Lemond1fficult]

How scatty is she usually? My friends got married a few weeks ago, and there were several people feeling a bit awkward as they hadn't got invites. But they got a mutual friend to tactfully check, and the bride was horrified - still not sure what happened to the invites, but she definitely thought she'd invited them. It was corrected in time, no harm done.

Definitely don't be passive agressive about it on Facebook. You could lose a friend over a silly mistake.

[Aeroflotgirl]

soup sorry you discovered your "friend", was no friend but a nasty and spiteful twat. Your well rid.

[Starryeyed16]

OP have you attended wedding related activities such as the hen?

[ohfourfoxache]

She doesn't sound like a friend

[backtothegrindstone]

For the people who asked, there wasn't a hen as far as I know (and she has talked to me about the wedding, so its not all been a big secret). For the others who asked how much we see each other, it was quite regularly until last year when our oldest kids started school and we had different aged babies/toddlers still at home. It hasn't been quite as much in the last year due to jobs and small kids etc (I hardly see anyone outside playdates though as I still have little ones, and she works a lot of evenings) but still from time to time - often enough that I would have thought an 18 year friendship would be worth nurturing frankly. I actually received a reply to the message I sent her today saying thank you and see you on the other side, with tons of kisses and smileys, so clearly no concept that I would be upset at all. Which I find even more upsetting tbh. I think I'm pretty much done with the friendship now - that was the final nail in the coffin. I've had enough with narcissists in my life. I have other much better friends who do value and treasure my friendship, as I do theirs. I think I'll focus my energies on those relationships in the future.

[dlnex]

Think of all the money you will save. Find somewhere else to go during wedding.

[EverySongbirdSays]

Then you've answered your own question, there was a whole Toby Jones article on this wasn't there about reciprocity of friendship and that the people you list in your own head might not list you in theirs, hard thing to find out, like I say happened to me this year.

There probably was a hen do you know, and the heads up was hearing nothing. I knew when my friend posted she was on hers and photos. They had unique invitations and some posted pictures of them, and I was like "Oh, right OK that's a shame" but I didn't get badly offended I've thought about it a fair bit today because of this thread.

[Sciurus83]

It socks when this happens. But everyone else is right, a nice message and card and be the bigger person. Also unfollow on Facebook right now so you don't have to sit through all the wedding photos!

[Milklollies]

Well actually I think you got off easy! You don't have to buy her a gift! A bitch old friend invited me to their wedding on the advice of someone that I was rolling around in the dough and would feel obliged to get them a present. She didn't been wish me a a happy birthday on Facebook or any belated messages. I respectfully declined saying I had other commitments but wished them a lifetime of happiness.

[Sciurus83]

Lemon might know me!!

[Milklollies]

She hadn't even spoken to me for 6 months and hadn't even * I should proofread as well

[Milklollies]

Time to name change lemon

[GabbySolis]

I am sure I offended an old friend when I got married. I invited her to the night time only because she had let me down last minute so many times over the years and I didn't want her to do it on my wedding day and leave me and DH out of pocket by £100+. She didn't acknowledge the invitation and we haven't spoken since. I knew she wouldn't be happy about it but had reached a point where I didn't care. I also knew that she saw me as a close friend whereas I didn't see her that way anymore because she had let me down so many times. I'm not saying this is the case with your friend but just to show that there are sometimes reasons behind a decision that you may not be aware of.

[2014newme]

What does from time to time mean though, that says to me you only occasionally saw eachother

[GoMeGoYou]

You might be a good friend but she might have lots of friends who are even better friends than you. Everyone will have a cut off point with wedding guest lists and you might have just fallen on the wrong side. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you.

Are there possibly other reasons such as she likes you but doesn't really want your DH or your kids to come? or perhaps her fiancé doesn't like you or your partner. What about the possibility that her DF has a ginormous family. What about food? Are you all vegans or do you kids have allergies.... there could be all sorts of reasons, some reasonable some not.

I don't know I you were serious about making a 'pointed dig' on her Facebook but if you have ever given reason to her that you are the sort of person who would do than then that might explain why you are not invited.....

If I were you I'd send a card and I wouldn't worry about it. If her Facebook posts upset you then just block her feed.

[eddielizzard]

it's painful when we find out our friends don't think of our friendship the way we do. but now you know, and sounds like she was using you a bit. very crap and a poor way to treat someone. you've done the right thing by mentally drawing a line. i would decline all future invitations.

[Bugsylugs]

Sometimes it is just an error we did this and feel terrible this doesn't seem the case her though with the latest reply

[monkeytree]

It could be a misunderstanding as others have said a private message with good wishes on Saturday it does give her a chance to either respond (or not). I had this happen to me. I was taken aback as I thought we were reasonably good friends and I had given her support over the years. To this day I don't know what went Wong and I ended up feeling a bit used wondering what her motives were for continuing our friendship. We never kept in touch after that but it did hurt.

[monkeytree]

Sorry, I missed your latest post. It's happened to me too, it destroyed our friendship. It was not a case of just close family and friends, I didn't even get an invite to the evening do which probably would have sufficed. True colours emerged. One mutual friend just took it fo granted that I would be invited along, it was really awkward, not least because the woman getting married would make comments about my other friend behind her back yet she still got an invite. In my case, I was best out of that friendship!

[backtothegrindstone]

Monkeytree that pretty much sums it up. She's invited some mutual friends who I know she's not seen as much as
I've see her in recent years. They also have kids so I know it's not about kids. We're not vegans or difficult. I have suspicions it's possibly because they are in 'the arts' as is she and her partner so maybe it's a calculated careerist move. Who knows? Anyway, I'm done.

[Cabrinha]

You say you'll reserve your energy for better friendships... but isn't that exactly what you've done this past year?

Your life stages changed, you saw each other less.

Life moves on. It's not a deliberately mean spirited slight, you simply not that close a friend. And she wasn't to you either - as you say, you have other friendships that are more important to you.

[Ausernotanumber]

But you admit you've seen a lot less of her?

[Cabrinha]

Crossed posts.
How often you see someone isn't necessarily a measure of a person's importance to you. Or how much you like them, even.
Some people are busier than others, have kids the same age or not...

It's pretty scathing to start saying this woman's choices are careerist!

Did you actually like her before?!

[backtothegrindstone]

I'm not sure that's realistic. Life moves through stages. Friendships wax and wane. We don't live round the corner from each other- we're in London and it's a big busy place and hard to see people all the time. But real friendships are the ones that move apart and come back together all the time. At least that's how I see it. I have friends I see once a year and they're still dear friends. I just appreciate that we are in different stages of career or family or whatever at that time.