Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

[backtothegrindstone]

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

has she not mentioned it in anyway to you directly on any of the play dates or anything? Cos if she hasn't then you aren't invited.

I'd be upset, i wouldn't unfriend or anything but i wouldn't be moving heaven and earth to hang out with them/do them any favours or anything :)

It's ok to feel sad about it by the way- ignore anyone dismissing your valid feelings...

You never know, it COULD be that you've been missed off the invites by mistake

The wedding is this weekend. No way is the op invited. Someone would have followed up before now.

Send her a card with the usual niceties, hide her on FB, and wait for her to get in touch afterwards (or not). Sorry OP, it sucks when this happens.

What Essential said. The friendship has run its course it seems :(

I don't think you sound at all bitter or unreasonable.
Of course it's going to hurt if a long-standing friend doesn't invite you to a wedding, unless you knew for a fact that they were having a very small one with an extremely limited guest list, for instance.
Given that she was at your wedding and other significant life events, it actually seems very rude to me that she's not so much as mentioned the issue to you.
I'd probably not bother sending a card, and defriend her.

Having said that, it was a really care way to let you know about it!

yes, fine to feel sad about it, but don't make barbed remarks. She is well within her rights to choose to invite who she likes, and I think you have to accept that sometimes you're not as close as you thought, or wanted to be. I was saddened not to be invited to a wedding earlier this year, of someone I thought I was close to, when several others I knew were invited. But that's life. I sent them a nice card, and she thanked me for it, and we're still friends, though not as close as I would like - but there is the possibility that we will become closer, as she knows that I wish her well with her new relationship, house, life stage, and that I genuinely like her.

That's all you can do really - if you like her, and want the chance of being a closer friend one day, then wish her well and send a card. If you are hurt enough that you think she is somehow a less nice person and a less desirable friend than before, then make pointed remarks about being hurt, and let the friendship die out.

Going to go against the grain and in relation to ...

" I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it." TELL HER NOW, so she can do something about it. Don;t wait unt wedding is ancient history.

I'd send her a polite email or message to say

"I'm really pleased to see from Facebook you are getting married to XYD. I've known you a long time (since blah blah blah) and known your finance too. So I really do wish you all.

I'm quite upset not to have been invited to your wedding and not to have the chance to wish you well on your big day, but I will put a card in the post and be thinking of you on the day."

If money is an object she can say so and explain is fine.I might even say that perhaps money is an issue in your email!

If it is a genuine mistake she can get back in touch and say so.

If she never intended to invite you she may invite you out of guilt. So what. Go and have fun or not, as you like.

The worst thing would be to lose a friend because of a mix up.

Definitely no pointed digs on Facebook. No good will come of that.

Have you ever slept with either of the people getting married?

crochet "yes, fine to feel sad about it, but don't make barbed remarks."

yes, that's what I meant, sorry if it came across as just a criticism with no sympathy! I am sorry if you feel that the friendship isn't as important to her - I guess the thing about making a pointed remark got my back up as it doesn't seem very caring - but I admit I am not great about people lashing out when they are upset.

Really normal and honest response to feeling left out.
Before making any comments, in person, or otherwise- consider these things;
-Do you believe she is capable of deliberately leaving you out, but then spending the time that you hang out together discussing all of the plans?

• Do you do things together that she instigates, or is it more that she participates in things that you plan?
• Would she make a drama out of you discussing your feelings, or would she be respectful, kind and warm?
• Is it time to let the friendship go? Is this a good time to do it?

It's never, ever nice to feel left out, or deliberately pushed out by the people we consider to be our close friends. However, it sounds a bit like it's time for you to take some control about the situation, work out what you want going forwards, and be respectful and kind as you do that- to yourself and to the other person.

Ha ha ParadiseCity. No, definitely not!!!

waffles80
Once brought a bottle of whisky to a New Year's Party - made a huge show of presenting it to my partner (it was crap whisky), and then took it with him at the end of the night

This was very common when I was growing up in Scotland, you'd bring your bottle, share a dram with your host, then take the bottle with you to the next house/party. First - footing.

Thanks everyone, I totally take it on board. Won't be sending any nasty messages. I think I'm just lashing out about the latest flurry of Facebook posts asking people to do this and make that and these are the directions- with no thought whatsoever to those you 'forgot' about who might be reading them. I feel pretty used to be honest as she's taken a lot from me and I'm beginning to see that I've had a lot less back. Guess I'm the mug here! I've sent her a nice message saying good luck and I will be closing the door on the friendship. Maybe it has just run its course. I read somewhere " Don’t make someone a priority when they are making you an option". Good advice I think. Thanks everyone.

I'd be gutted too. Even if you only see her once a year or less, you've been friends such a long time it seems really odd, but maybe she is just really popular and literally can't invite everyone she is friends with. But if that was the case, why is she sharing on Facebook? She could at least have friends she is less close to on a restricted list on Facebook. It seems a bit insensitive.

Ooh, what did you say?

Id just message her & wish her all the best. That way the ball is in her court.

sorry OP it feels horrible I know.

Take the advice on here (not the stupid suggestion of criticising the bride just before her big day and making it all about you, obviously!)

Has there been a hen party?

I understand OP. I wasn't invited to the wedding of someone I considered to be a very good friend. We'd shared a lot and I'd given her a lot of support through a difficult time, so I thought we were close.

I never said anything and wished her well, but I couldn't help drawing back from the friendship. Ultimately it's her decision who she invites, but it's hurtful.

I am feeling really bad after reading this as I too probably did forget about some people or had to leave them out of invites due to number restrictions. I know you've said there won't be number restrictions but financially or for caterers or whatever there might be. Also you are judging that someone else who is invited is a less close friend than you, this is something you can't possibly know really. Yanbu to feel really sad about this but I would definitely not do anything at all about it. It is her choice who she invites, would echo what others have said about waiting to see what kind of wedding it actually is, could be small and intimate especially from what you've described. My first thought was it could be accidentally lost but I do think she would have chased up by now. I'm sorry you're hurt op, weddings are minefields it's true.

You've done the right thing. I'm sorry you've been hurt, but barbed comments or passive-aggressive messages don't work. If she doesn't feel bad about not inviting you, or bothers to explain lack of invite, she won't feel bad reading about your feelings on it. Do not, as someone upthread suggested, try and guilt your way into the wedding. My goodness, that would be horribly awkward, make you seem desperate for her friendship and will in no way save it!

I can understand why you feel sensitive about it but agree with PP about sending a congratulations message or card and leaving it for her to contact you again.

When I got married there were two friends I didn't invite. One was a liability after a few drinks and the other one had fallen out with several other friends there and things were really awkward between them, plus he was likely to pass out drunk or get aggressive. Neither of the two invited would have believed there was any reason their own behaviour would have been the result of the lack of invite but I would have been too worried about something happening and upsetting the day to have them there. Could there be someone at the wedding that you don't get on with or who doesn't like you and has put the bride in such a position?

I agree with Edmund

The trying to guilt her suggestion was ludicrous. Keep your council & stay calm. You'd regret any lashing out messages on social media as well. Must be really hurtful but, stay the bettter person