Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

[backtothegrindstone]

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

Ouch. I think you've done the right thing. I definitely wouldn't be buying her a present like somebody suggested up thread!

I really don't think so Flying Dragon. I'm pretty easy going, don't drink a lot, and don't know many of her friends- though the ones I have met I got on well with as far as I can tell. I guess it's just that I'm just not important to her anymore- or she has other people who are MORE important to her at least. I think partly from my perspective though it's just simple politeness that you invite people to your wedding who invited you to theirs. Maybe I'm old fashioned!

I don't think that is a 'rule', as people are invited to weddings of all sorts of people and wouldn't necessarily want them back at theirs, or have room for them, or finances, etc. I think you're on a hiding to nowhere if you get the idea that you 'should' have been invited, or that staying civil about it all makes you the better person, as someone suggested, as that still implies that there was some obligation on her to have invited you. There are lots of occasions where two people just see a friendship differently - one thinks you're quite close, the other has a large pool of friends and you're one of many. It's sad to find that out, but it doesn't mean that either person is wrong.

I don't think that is old fashioned. I think unless you have really distanced yourself or fallen out, it is good manners to return an invite. it does sound like she has just moved on and is being rather thoughtless.

Have you had a response? Maybe your invite has got lot you never know

I can't figure out how close you are from your posts? When did you last meet? how often do you talk? Has she not mentioned the wedding at all to you.

I think closing the door is different to realising not as close as you once thought..Do you still live close together..Who arranges meet ups? who does travelling.

Just hold your head up high. There is no reason to get hurt but I don't think she is a true friend.

I think the invite could be lost though. It doesn't make sense

I think you were wrong to message her telling her you are closing the door on your friendship a couple of days before her wedding. How crass! Nobody here suggested that as an option! very unkind of you, you haven't bothered to find out if the item invite was lost in the post etc🙄

NoFuchsGiven Guessing we are both Lady Foxes -)

Send a message saying "do you have a wedding list/ gift list" anywhere as wanted to get you a gift to celebrate.

If she comes back with - its on invite - ta da you know you are meant to be there.

If she doesn't come back at all..................

I didn't take it to mean she said she was closing the door, just that she was, following the message about wishing her a nice day?

2014newme I am not sure the OP said that to her friend, I thought she said that bit to us!

I've sent her a nice message saying good luck and I will be closing the door on the friendship.

Presumably you just send a message saying good luck, and in a separate incident you won't be seeing her again?

Ah yes, maybe the op didn't actually say that. So that's much better! 😀

You feel slighted, that's understandable.

This has happened to me a few times and it does hurt your feelings, but there will be a reason why you weren't invited; until such a time you discover that reason is she doesn't like you rise above your hurt.

I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up.

Maybe your not invited because of your snide passive aggressive tendencies...?

I'd just think that she has closer people in your life than you.

She might consider you a good friend, but she may have higher priorities, even if it is not a small wedding.
Sometimes family alone can make up huge numbers.

I'd be hurt too I think in the same situation but as others have said, it's not right to make barbed comments on FB . I like the suggestion to text her saying you've heard she's getting married, and you hope she has a lovely day. Then see what she says.

I would be hurt too, she sounds like an old and long standing friend. It would make me feel that she does not see me as close as I saw her, I would want to distance myself a bit from her. Mabey unfollow her and don't meet up as much. Say congratulations and be it.

she has other people who are MORE important to her at least. I think partly from my perspective though it's just simple politeness that you invite people to your wedding who invited you to theirs.

Maybe she has been invited to many more weddings than she has guests.

She'll have to work with a budget.

Just get over it.

Do you know whether the invitations were posted or hand delivered? If it was via post, perhaps invite could be lost?

Must feel shitty to be left out. Agree that a person would usually (imo) invite old friends...especially if close enough to have been invited to past celebrations such as weddings and christenings.

ffs I can't believe someone is suggesting you write an e-mail asking if money is an issue as you haven't been invited.

2014 "I think you were wrong to message her telling her you are closing the door on your friendship a couple of days before her wedding"

I didn't read the OP had done that - I read it as the OP sent a message saying good luck, and in her mind the OP is closing the door.... not that OP actually wrote that?

OP Don't close doors, just wish them well. You decide whether your friendship is more important than the invitation. Don't keep in touch if you really want to drop the friendship.
I asked a couple recently, because of their 25th anniversary, where they were married and it turned out the one who was supposed to invite me had overlooked it. Cue blushing apologies from them and genuine amusement from me. They are good and trusted friends, I'd been getting on with my own life at the time and we weren't in frequent contact.