Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

[backtothegrindstone]

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

Op, it is her wedding day. If you carry out your last suggestion then you will indeed be acting like a bitch. Leave her alone.

Take the higher ground. Don't let her know you care. You won't ever get an explanation from her that will satisfy you so there's no point. She clearly doesn't feel bad about not inviting you, she sounds very self absorbed.

OP I understand the hurt, I've been there.

In those situations I try to take a pragmatic view. This person is telling me that they don't see me as that close a friend. I don't make the cut for their wedding. That's not being rude, it's just telling me other people rate higher. They are probably still happy to be friends and happy to meet up for playdates/drinks if it suits.

I then decide: am I happy with that sort of level of friendship from this person? Do I accept a "low level" friendship, or would I rather not bother and focus on the friends who do make an effort with me and would put me higher up their list?

For me the answer is usually: I'm not going to cut this friend out, I will still see her sometimes (assuming I enjoy her company) but I will recognise the limitations on her level of friendship and in future I will let her do the running (she contacts me) so I don't feel used/rejected.

I think it is very upsetting indeed to feel that you don't see friendship in the same way. And to be honest, if I had had a good, long-standing friend at my wedding and I didn't get invited to theirs I work feel quite insulted - because no one forgets whose wedding they have been to. So there is the knowledge there that you know the hurt you're causing and you still do it. So that's why I would cut someone out...

I think it would be horrible to say or text anything. She has other people she would prefer at the wedding and that's the end of it. You can't invite everyone. If you text anything nippy then she will be relieved that she didn't invite you.

Truthfully, I don't waste time or energy having ANY friends who I wouldn't invite to my wedding - or at least not people I'd bother hanging out with outside of a group. Life's too short for false friends. But then I have very good friendships with the ones I do see. So I suppose that's why it's upset me so much.

ah, now we're getting to it OP.

Do you realise you are actually rather unusual there?

nothing false about a friendship that doesn't involve mutual wedding-going IMO

I'm not sure the OP is unusual in that respect, Lovely. Or if she is, I am too!

I have lots of friends who I mostly know through DH and the DC, who I am very happy to see as part of a group, chat in the school yard, would ask for a favour like a lift, hand down old uniform to etc etc. Then I have the friends who I make the effort to see in a smaller group or 1:1 basis, and they are the ones I share my secrets and my problems with (and they share with me too!). All of these would be on the invite list for a wedding or significant party, and I would be hurt not to be included on their gust lists unless it was a very very small do.

Nope, thats how I am as well. Friends are people who you'd invite to your wedding, anyone else is an acquaintance.

Op re the social media communications: please don't make insincere comments on the eventual FB photos. At best you will seem a mug, at worst passive-aggressive. Your friend WILL believe that she can get away with treating you shoddily.

Either defriend and close off completely, or be upfront and tell her how upset you are. Ideally do both, and then move on. At least you will both know where you are with each other.

Nope, not unusual at all - how does that meme I keep seeing popping up on SM - Why make people a priority, who inly make you an option - not quite right, but something along those lines

Everyone gets that wedding are stressful & its often impossible to invite everyone, but IMHO & as happens in my own circles, if you cant invite everyone of your friends, you at very least have the decency to explain to the friends that actually matter why they weren't invited. We've had that happen on a couple of occasions when we didn't even expect an invite & we did it ourselves too - its just good manners & thoughtful of others feelings.

Given the OPs situation, the lack of invite alone is bad enough, but the fact this "friend" still sees fit to contact & chat to the OP & even mention the upcoming wedding the OP isn't invited too, Wedding ir not, she sounds like a self absorbed thoughtless cow who has shown her true colours & lack of respect for the OP, so one "friend" I would personally be glad to be well shot of - life really is too short to waste time & energy on such people!

Just because someone doesn't invite you to their wedding doesn't make them a "false friend".

They aren't pretending to be your friend, they just don't regard you as one of their X closest friends.

If you regard them as closer, it's hurtful but it doesn't mean they've done anything wrong. They're just not that into you.

I think that the friend/acquaintance thing is slightly untrue.

The sheer cost of weddings these days means people really have to cull unless they are made of money and prioritize their very closest

In the case of the OP it reads as if she met the important criteria which suggests there's a backstory.

It's horrible to realise someone who you consider a A list friend only see you as a C Lister. I have 2 of them.

One of my best friends lives in NZ. We rarely see each other, we phone at Xmas and birthdays. Sometimes we connect via facebook.

When we do see each, about every five years, it's like we were never apart. I have a few friends like that and I feel blessed, they are true friends. One or two of the people I see regularly are true friends, most are really nice people whom I love, some are people I like well enough, and there's one I really struggle with. I wouldn't necessarily invite them all to my wedding though.

Rockin I think you're spot on.

Her 'see you on the other side' comment tells you everything. She's so arrogant and self centred that it's nothing to her to exclude you and to still assume that her wedding will be at the centre of everyone's thoughts.
I'd text her, 'On the other side of what?'

Rather than the "it's a shame we can't be there" message, which sounds as though you were invited but can't go, I would just tell her that you are hurt that you weren't invited as you assumed your friendship was closer than some of the guests, and that you are saddened to find out that isn't the case. If you present the facts in an honest way, then she will have to deal with them. Hopefully how she responds will help you decide what to do next. I've only ever made things worse by not being straightforward in friendships. Most things can be resolved, and if they can't be, it is better to know as much of the story as possible. Re the estranged friend I mentioned in my post above- I was upset with her about a number of fairly small things that I'd allowed to mount up and hurt my feelings, so I didn't have any contact with her for some time. She was so upset that she even saw a counsellor, I feel absolutely terrible about that now, I dealt with it really badly and had I been more frank and honest at the time then there wouldn't have been an estrangement. I feel very grateful that in the end we did resolve things and are close again. This took years!! What a waste of time. So just tell her the truth, then either she will regret hurting you and you can sort that out between you, or she will deal with it badly and you can distance yourself from the friendship.

" I would just tell her that you are hurt that you weren't invited as you assumed your friendship was closer than some of the guests, and that you are saddened to find out that isn't the case. If you present the facts in an honest way, then she will have to deal with them."

"just? ..."

if you really think this is ok, at least wait till after the wedding. you have no right to sound your horn prior to the event, your hurt feelings do not entitle you to sour up any aspect of someone else's wedding.

[but really, this is not ok, not at all]

Lovely, the OP did say she would wait until after the wedding, so I assumed that was a given, but that aside, why is it not ok to be honest with a friend when they have really hurt your feelings? Surely having a chance to hear the other side is better than just jacking in a good friendship of many years standing?

Agree don't say anything before the wedding. What would it achieve? If you were invited only after saying something, would you be cimfortable going knowing you gatecrashed/got a pity invite?

Unfortunately you learned a painful lesson but don't allow your words to be fuel for later gossip. Maintain your dignity.

well, there isn't really another side is there?

It's not like the mate has made a couple of thoughtless competitive parenting remarks.

She's gone through a guest list and made some decisions.

What's she going to do, have a second wedding and invite the OP? Say "oh, if I'd known it was important to you I'd have invited you" (actually bride that's quite a good idea....)?

The only thing the OP can control here is her reaction

OP has said that she doesn't know any of the other friends, but thinks they are less close than her, which suggests very strongly to me that although she may be close to the bride, and know the groom professionally, she isn't part of what they would consider their friendship circle when it comes to picking who to miss off the list. Say there are 10 families with whom they mix regularly, and they all know each other. Should they knock one of them off the list to accommodate OP and her family, even though they don't know her DH and don't mix with them socially as a couple?
I'm going to say it again OP: it isn't that she does not value your friendship, clearly. It is one party on one day with her husband and family friends. Do not lose a friendship you have both enjoyed on a snub which is not deliberate.