Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

[backtothegrindstone]

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

You have behaved with dignity so far so dont make any passive aggressive remarks now, however I'd feel exactly like you do.
Wait for her to initiate contact after the wedding and then say no, you dont think so as you still feel hurt that she didn't value your friendship enough to invite you to the wedding. Then is the time to make it absolutely clear that it is over. Be polite but direct. But wait till she contacts you.

I actually want you to win the lottery now and plaster a big celebration all over FB. She'd be on the phone from the honeymoon suite.

I would feel really hurt and offended if someone treated me like this. I wouldn't say anything but would just decide that they are no longer a friend and would never get in touch with them again.

Agree with dowhat, leave it for now because even though she has hurt you (and I can totally see why you are hurt), I don't think she deserves feeling awful about not inviting you a few days before her wedding. BUT when she makes contact again afterwards then you can say you think you were mistaken about your friendship as you were very hurt not to be invited as you thought you were close friends. She can maybe then persuade you with lots of reasons why she couldn't invite you or you can walk away. Leave it for now.

I don't think your friend can redeem herself now, it's like being dumped and hurts like hell. I know you want an explanation from her, could you send a joke with a poke text? Hope all going well, lucky I didn't buy a new hat lol is everything ok with us just asking? Otherwise leave it, as one of the posters said an invitation sent now would be a guilty one. Block her news feed on fb, I did that and although you're still their "friend" you aren't tortured with her pics.

Ha ha winchester woman, wouldn't that be great?

Maybe its a mistake?

Or its sad for you if you felt you were more freinds than acquantainces

Good advice here to be graceful rather than spiteful

If you want to prove something to her, then prove that you are a good person, and congratulate and send best wishes for their future, and show that you are strong enough to still be kind hearted and good natured despite your personal disappointment

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Magiethemagpie hit the nail on the head. People do like to stick their head in the sand. Even if you have it out with her I doubt she'll give you a satisfactory answer. She'll be feeling embarassed as she knows you're hurt, but people rarely want confrontation. Take the high road and say nothing, it looks desperate to say 'congratulations' on Facebook or email, definitely don't send a present as she'll know you're giving this more headspace than it deserves. You'll still not have an invitation and I certainly wouldn't want one out of pity. It's time to back off from this relationship, she's made it clear that is what she is doing.

I don't blame you for being hurt by this. It's a crappy thing to do.

There's no point in messaging her anything though.
She probably won't even care that you're hurt and upset.
In her head, she's justified in not inviting you and has reasons. The fact that you're hurt won't change that. You may even come across as desperate and give her more of the 'upper hand'

Maintain your dignity. Just cut her out of your life.

Don't say anything OP!

You may get an ounce of satisfaction straight afterwards but then you'll feel worse because it will continue the cycle and she will have the power.

Disengage, unfollow right now. Move on to better people.

Why would her big day be ruined to hear that someone she didn't feel close enough to invite thought they would be invited? If she cared that much, OP would be invited. Fron what you've said I don't think you could be friends with her afterwards, so why not tell her you feel hurt and cut your losses now?
I don't think she's done anything wrong by inviting who she wants to her own wedding, but you feel how you feel. You were more of an acquaintance to her, whereas you considered her a friend. No one has done anything wrong, but it is unfortunate.

I''m late to this party ... got to page 9 and gave up

OP I'd be upset too. I wouldn't have even bothered to say Good Luck .. I'd have just ignored, unfollowed and defriended after the wedding. Whats the point in pretending you're ok with it? Life's too short to be friends with people who do not value the friendship. Honestly. Cut her loose and move on from her

I couldn't resist saying something either. Even it's just "sad not to be sharing your wedding day, but we'll be thinking of you" but I'd probably say more. I don't care if it's pathetic. The friendship sounds doomed anyway. Then I would remove her as a friend so as not to see the wedding pics. Though if you have mutual friends on Facebook you'll probably see them anyway.

This thread reminded me of something that happened to me recently. I met an old colleague/friend recently. I hadn't seen her in a long time but we had known each other years, called to each other's houses, borrowed and loaned kid's things from and to each other etc. She suggested meeting for coffee and during the course of the coffee meet up, felt the need to say that we weren't friends anymore. I don't think she was being nasty, just very matter of fact about it. I remember being dumbstruck as well as thinking how rude she was, and very very hurt by what she said. We are both in our forties and I thought how childish to categorise relationships so bluntly at our age.

On this thread somebody said that what one person considers a friendship, the other can consider an acquaintance. For that ex colleague, that was obviously the case. I unfollowed on FB and vowed never to meet and be humiliated like that again. As far as I'm concerned she isn't a friend and as far as she is concerned we probably haven't been for the last few years.

OP, don't get down to her level. Treat the omission with the contempt it deserves.
You are on the high moral ground; she is not.

The "it's a shame..." message just sounds like youre looking for a last minute invite!!!! Don't do it.

I'd go with the lovely comments on the 5000+ pictures that will no doubt appear but cut her off completely. Radio silence.

If she's a good enough friend for you to have expected an invitation, isn't she a good enough friend to call and ask why you weren't invited? You don't have to be angry or accusing, just say nicely that you were a bit surprised not to get an invite. It may be an awkward conversation, but at least you'll know if it was a mistake or not.

I think PP's reply to her friend saying "it's a shame you didn't want to share it with me" is better than saying it's a shame you can't be there. Put it back onto her.

I like Zucker's suggestion of nice comments on FB and then cut her off.

Sorry this happened to you OP - similar things have happened to me over the years. It really hurts w

If I didn't have anxiety about my wedding planning already, I do now!!! :(

Might just get DM & MIL to sort the guest list out for us.

I do hope you're not thinking of getting her a present. Or even a card.

Cancel the cheque!!!

OP I'd be furious. Is there any chance you can shag her fiancé before Saturday?

flora that's just odd why would someone suggest coffee and then say by the way we are not friends anymore, think she forgot what age she is.

OP I think you were just right to say good luck, her comment "see you on the other side" was just strange and the bitch in me would want to comment something back but I would leave it and just decline any future meet ups.

"If I didn't have anxiety about my wedding planning already, I do now!!! sad
Might just get DM & MIL to sort the guest list out for us. confused"

lol I actually did that!
It still backfired (dh's divorced parents went to war over it) but it really cured me of invitation-resentment! Even now16 years later I just have to think about wedding planning and my little- girl- left- out feelings are replaced with sympathy for the organizers ( usually)