Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

[backtothegrindstone]

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

I think I'd respond to the 'see you on the other side' by disingenuously checking that you definitely haven't missed an invitation because you're not sure if she means at the reception or not. You never know, she might mean the other side of the service clutches at straws

I am the only one of my family not invited to a cousin's wedding! Despite my mother interfering & speaking to my aunt who then said she'd sent it to the wrong address I still haven't received one! It's one of those things op. At least you weren't uninvited. Wish her luck if you have to say anything

Biggles - another one here who gets trimmed by my brother - it's VERY hurtful and I now un follow my sister in law in Facebook for this very reason - Fucking hurtful

OP - yes spend the money you would have spent on something lovely and fuck her to kingdom come

Please tell me you have u followed her at very least - that's an order !!!

There were loads of people I couldn't invite to my wedding due to numbers and we had 150 people (my husband's family is huge and made up 2/3 of the guest list).

You know she'll. Be stressed. Just leave it.

I'd be upset too tbh. I wouldn't make a comment on FB or anywhere else and it is especially awkward as you obviously see each other for kid's play dates.

Personally I'd take the high ground and wouldn't say anything. In my heart though, and I know this makes me quite petty, I'd be very hurt. I would not be available for more play dates but would decline by saying I had something on each time until the invitations naturally stopped.

I would unfollow her on FB so you don't have to see the photographs.

Out of interest who initiates meeting up?

some people are just crap. You have been friends with a crap person for too long. Try not to be too sad about it although much easier said than done. We have all been there and all have similar stories of being 'shut out'.
I would be fuming but there's little you can do. best delete then block on Facebook and any mutual aqaintances.

I had a similar situation with a friend. In my case it was her daughter's Christening. We had been friends for 18 years and our daughters were born close together. I'd introduced her to her DH. I still have no idea why she didn't invite me. She chose a close mutual friend as a Godmother, and my next door neighbour as a Godfather, the first I knew about the Christening was when I asked the NDN where he was going, all suited and booted. The close mutual friend had assumed that she would see me there. I have no idea why she didn't ask me, the only thing I could think of was that the mutual friend and I had become temporarily estranged. However I was terribly hurt that she hadn't even mentioned the Christening to me, or explained "I don't feel I can ask you and Godmother friend" or whatever. I would have felt far less upset if she had told me. It really was a shock to find out the way I did. I let the friendship lapse after that, there were other small things that hurt my feelings and I got the impression that she wasn't very interested in me. She had been a really good friend, and I thought we were very close, but in hindsight (this was 11 years ago) I can see that she wasn't as friendly towards me from the time she got together with her DH, and certainly from the time when we both got pregnant. I have no idea if I somehow upset her, but after the Christening thing I was too hurt to ever ask her why . Now I wish that I'd been more direct, at least I would know! I had one other incidence of a friend really hurting my feelings , but then I just blurted it all out, and although it did knock our friendship sideways for a while, we did get over it.

I really feel for you OP. I understand how you are feeling. I think in your place , I would tell her how hurt you are, and ask why you weren't invited. At least then you will know, which might allow the friendship to recover, or might mean you feel more solidly grounded in ending it.

I think in this situation where you had included her at your families important events you are within your rights to say you thought you would have been invited. For her not to have explained why herself is plainly rude and wrong.

Family's I mean!

I'm one of those who'd have to say something. You don't have to bare your soul and expose your hurt to her, just let it be known that you have noted her shitty behaviour and you are letting her go.

I think a "See you on the other side? What for? So we can skirt round the subject of you not inviting me to your wedding? Hardly! Did you think I wouldn't notice or wouldn't mind? how very odd"

You aren't friends any longer ... don't let her get away with acting like a tool.

OP - I really feel for you . Some people are, sadly, users. You've found out in a really horrid way, but at least you know now and see her for what she is. Cut your losses and drop her like a stone. ( mixed metaphors!) The vacancy can be filled with lovely, dear and new friends. Turn down future requests for play dates etc. She sounds imo rather thick-skinned and will probably not get the message for a while, but will, eventually. She has been unfriended already. Don't be bitter; feel relieved. Life is too short for false friends. Big hug xx

OP - you're allowed to feel hurt and upset. Don't do anything hasty, that last text from her doesn't need a reply. Take some time to think what you want to do, and leave the ball in her court to take the friendship forward.

And be kind to yourself - it's almost like you need to grieve when you lose a close friendship

It's a shame she didn't invite you and it sounds like you've every right to be pissed off, but I'd maintain dignified silence. You might still want to be friends once you've got over the snub (if she makes an effort).

It's pretty insensitive to post loads of stuff about your wedding to all your Facebook friends if they're not invited. I didn't invite an old school friend to mine (albeit a friend I don't see often) and she put a bitter comment on our wedding album. I didn't appreciate it and won't be making the effort to see her in future! We didn't post stuff about the wedding all over Facebook, but we did put a small album of pictures up after the day.

Turn up at the wedding with a lovely gift I'm sure she is expecting you. Saying that though, have you congratulated her on the upcoming nuptials or even asked how the preparations are going You claim to be a friend, if you haven't done either of this then PLEASE stay home!

I have just had the same thing when it was announced I said sorry I missed the wedding but then she replied that I had not missed it, that was then and now she has got married my feelings are hurt but I will have to have big shoulders and say wish you all the luck in the world then not see her pics, which is perhaps what you should do, but I understand how you feel.

M-P

ALL - bar none - of the people who came to our wedding & then subsequently didn't invite us to theirs (including the best man!!) are now divorced. Karma Just sayin'...

I haven't got any advice. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you were upset. It is hurtful when things like this happen and you find out you are not as valued as you thought. Unfortunately some people are just takers and they are so hard to spot!!

I agree. It's rude. When she was invited to yours and you've known her for so long. I'd be very upset too. I would just unfriend and move on, but I don't deny I would be upset.

I'm trying to be dignified but really considering replying to her saying "it's a shame we can't be there to share it with you". Seems like an honest but dignified response. I don't want to deny my hurt or be dishonest with my feelings towards her by staying silent. I'm not sure she's sensitive enough to pick up on the issue otherwise. Im pretty sure the relationship has ended now anyway so I don't think I've got too much to lose. I don't want to be a complete bitch but I'm exploding inside to say something!

No that's weak. Do what I said.

I don't think this is the time. I honestly would just ignore. What good can come of you saying anything? Especially when she is in the midst of preparations. You will just come across as bitter.

I would leave the friendship. You can always say something later if she asks why you're not getting in touch any more.

If you really do consider her a friend why would you want to say something that would potentially upset her just before her wedding? What are you hoping to achieve - do you want a last minute invitation sent out of guilt? Or a reply saying that you weren't invited because she doesn't like you as much as everyone else she has invited? I would just leave it. It's one day that is all about her and not about your feelings.

Much as I would be desperate to say that, I would resist by sitting on my hands for eternity. I've just learnt the older I've got, that silence is more powerful. You can walk tall and know without fail you have not upset her before her wedding and you will get your chance. You might have to wait quite a while but I betcha she won't be able to resist sharing her wedding photos or something similar. Then is the time to make that comment.

I disagree. It is about the OP's feelings on this thread! Why is a friend's feelings totally discounted just because the other friend is going to be a bride? Everyone's feelings count and this is hurtful. Getting married doesn't give you carte blanche to be thoughtless and uncaring.

I would be a mixture of hurt and angry depending on my mood. But a kneejerk reaction you might regret.

OP, I wouldn't reply saying 'it's a shame we can't be there to share it with you' because it makes you look a bit desperate.

It's actually not a shame you can't be there to share it with her, because she's treated you quite shabbily and why would you want to share it with her now you know what she is like.

The only response I can think of is a dignified silence, if she wanted to engage in further explanations with you at this point she would have done so, the fact she is being so blase about it means that she doesn't really want to go there, she's probably feeling awkward because she knows that you'll be questioning why you weren't invited and usually in such situations people stick their head in the sand and hope the issue will go away.

IGNORE, OP

Keep the moral high ground.

I feel sorry for you, it must be devastating, but honestly ... walk away. If she wants to discuss, she can come after you, but I would suggest a phone call or face to face after the event when you can tell her you were hurt, nothing in writing that others might see.