Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

[backtothegrindstone]

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

Hey op I know exactly how you feel! A "friend" of mine did exactly this. She even invited our mutual friends. I Facebook messaged her saying congratulations I hope she had wonderful day it's a shame she didn't want to share it with me. The I unfriended her on Facebook. It hurt, I had to have my say.

Oh stuff her op. Ditch her.

Exactly the same thing happened to me and the she invited me last minute through mutual friends. My conclusion to this happening to me is she's not my friend let alone close friend, I wished I had aired how I felt closer to the time because now things are very awkward. I get contacted for play dates and lunches a lot yet I was forgotten about. I know you don't want to spoil your friends after wedding celebrations, however it will affect your friendship if nothing is said.

I've had this happen to me. I thought we were good friends but in hindsight she did not think of me in the same way I thought of her.

One day she was showing me her wedding pictures and she said unprompted by any word or gesture from me 'I guess I should have invited you to the wedding'. It broke any feelings I had for her. Our friendship was over after that.

OP I am very sorry to read about this. How upsetting and disappointing for you. I experienced something similar years ago when a friend didn't invite my then BF who is now my DH despite knowing him and us being together 3 years at that point. I would have shrugged it off and not been hurt had not other friends' partners, not known to the happy couple, been invited. Numbers were limited which I understand. There just didn't appear to be consistency. It left me with a sour taste. Nevertheless I decided to rise above it, travel to the wedding and wish the couple well. But the friendship did cool as I made less effort after that.
I would suggest for you to be gracious, wish the happy couple well and then move on from the friendship, invest your energies into other friends and just make less effort with the happy couple from here on out. Keep your conscience clear. Sending you 🌺 Hope you feel better soon

I get why you're hurt, and think it's a very natural reaction.

I've just been left off the invitation list for a close relative's wedding, when my siblings are invited.

I'm not going to drop the bride like a stone, but equally I'm now clear where I stand with her, and so am only going to have contact with her when and how it suits me to do so, rather than occasionally putting myself out to suit her.

OP, i feel really bad for you - it's horrid being left out of something, whether intentionally or not. I've had similar with a group of friends, and seeing nights out on FB that you're not included in is a very public and deliberate rejection in my eyes. I was desperate to comment on it, but took the route of unfollowing them so I don't see it, and have literally stepped right back making no effort. Friendship should be natural, not hard work and if someone can hurt you like that without feeling any remorse, then you don't need them in your life. If you really feel you want to make a point, then unfriend them. This is 1 of the reasons that I absolutely loathe FB, and I stopped adding/accepting people that aren't close friends/relatives. Life is much simpler.

I agree with the prevailing wind here too. Very hurtful. But it happens, and has happened to a lot of us it seems. Hugs and good it fades soon xxx

Elspeth - perhaps we have the same friend, unless there are loads of women out there doing collages of their Bestest Women Friends?!

If it was me (and it has been) of course there's a "pang" - it does hurt

But then I'ld send a card and say something nice about the pics and see what happens next.

I am no ever closer than ever to some friends who didn't invite me to their weddings a few years ago, and in some cases no longer close at all…

Congratulate her and be interested and see if she responds or ingores before pulling the plug on the friendship

I am no ever closer
"NOW EVEN CLOSER"

Friendships wax and wane, just because you don't happen to be in the "inner circle" at the exact point in time when a wedding occurs, doesn't mean that the friendship won't be worth its weight in gold over your lifetime if you don't throw the towel in just over this

I can see why you'd be hurt

Sounds all very dramatic to me. You say you're her friend yet you don't seem happy or supportive of her at all. Plus you're willing to ditch the friendship forever after you've said your pointed remark on social media. If I were her friend I'd be thrilled she was getting married and hope she had the best day ever. Weddings are stressful enough without people getting over excited about invites etc. Leave her be.

I'd just go right in and ask. Imagine if your invite has been lost and you don't turn up. Then go on about if it's about numbers you totallly get it and no hard feelings. Then she doesn't have to feel bad and you can make a fully informed decision on your friendship from there

My husband has a huge family and we had to cut a lot of friends out. don't make her feel bad about it, just move on and be happy for her.

baby have you actually RTFT?! The OP was musing on posting on FB but very quickly changed her mind, has sent her friend a warm message despite being dropped like a lead balloon after a couple of decades of close friendship. I'm sure the OP was thrilled she was getting married until being cut out of everything for no reason.

I was in this situation OP. Was very hurt. Gave her a sincere congratulations over facebook and mine was the only message she didn't respond to in some way. Didn't say anything else to her, just deleted off facebook and that was it.

Baby- being excluded is never a nice feeling, especially when you have been inviting and including this friend through the years to find this gesture is not returned.

Well it's odd and upsetting but you'll feel better down the line if you rise above it now. Don't say anything pointed or mean. Treat yourself to something this weekend.

In the name of all that's holy, PLEASE can people stop saying 'maybe the invite got lost'.

A Save the Date email went out. The OP didn't get it.

The invitations went out. The OP didn't get one.

The OP had messaged the bride wishing her luck for the wedding. Bride has messaged back saying thanks. She hasn't said 'by the way, why did you never RSVP?' or similar.

The OP WAS. NOT. INVITED.

You see her from time to time. Do you not enjoy seeing her when you do? Is it a bit of a pita getting together with her. Does she bring nothing to your life?

If the answer to those questions is "no" then defriend her. If your answer to any of those is "yes", then just take on the chin and carry on as normal. You are not n a position to make judgements on how close she is to anyone you know. Your consideration of a mutual friend being less close to her than you are is clearly ridiculous

Double ffs

I agree, I would bring it up in a positive way that forces her to address the fact that she hasn't invited you. See what she has to say and it will most likely find out where you stand as friends.. try to have a positive reaction and see who's playing a good concert this weekend so to pretend you've had tickets for ages to attend, so you're glad that it didn't have to be awkward when you couldn't go to her budget forest wedding.. then if she's rude, tell her that you have taken Friday off work to rain dance all day ready for Saturday x

I would totally say that you would have loved to be there to share because when we got married (loose rustic garden wedding style) I sent 4 of my invites to the wrong address!!! 3 family in laws that DH doesn't see and FIL gave us the wrong addresses for!! Was very red faced when I contacted them two weeks before wedding to see if they where coming and they didn't get invite!!

The other was a friend, who I got address off different friend I talked to her about wedding etc and she'd been on my hen, she's a bit scatty too though so I assumed she had got it and forgot to reply! Then text her saying hope you've got your flights booked & she said what for and I was like my wedding!! She was like but you didn't invite me and was raging, I was like I sent it months ago!!! Checked address with her and Lo and behold I'd sent it to wrong number and her neighbor hadn't passed it on!! She made it though and we had a giggle about it!! Maybe triple check!!