Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

[backtothegrindstone]

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

If youre not close enough to her to be able to speak to her about it and explain that you were upset then maybe you arent actually that close after all??

Biggles50 please tell us if your brother and his girlfriend are still together.
OP. I'd be as hurt as you.
I'd send a card - Feck that.
Just disengage. Quietly.

OP in your shoes, I would completely cut this person out of your life. No more messages, no congratulations after the wedding... she isn't worthy of you, she doesn't value you... the sooner you can get her out of your life the better.

I had a friend who it turned out didn't value me as I did her, and I'm ashamed to say I pursued her for about a year after she snubbed me, hoping each time that I was wrong and she'd pick up our friendship where it left off. This was when my self esteem was lower than it was now, then again she'd been a good friend for 10 years or so I thought.

Eventually I admitted defeat and cut her off, I regret spending a whole year trying to change the situation and chase after her and lose my dignity further.

When I actually did cut her off, it was much easier than I thought it would be and I don't miss the friendship as there's not that much to miss now I realise how little to her I meant.

I do feel for you though, it's not a nice experience. The bride cannot be unaware of how you are feeling.. maybe she's on some sort of power trip? Maybe you unintentionally hurt her one time in the past and she's trying to get revenge? Who knows? As you'll never know, best to forget the whole sorry situation and move on.

I would've thought that the warm message the OP sent to the BTB and her reply makes it pretty obvious nothing is lost in the post!

This is all really odd. Are you absolutely 100% sure you are not invited as her responses are a bit ambiguous. I would just ask her "I just wanted to check if I am invited as my invite seems to have got lost in the post"? She will have to either admit she hasn't invited you (in which case you can cut off all contact) or she will say she did invite you and there will be an explanation.

Havalina1 - I am in identical situation! Spent over £250 on a hen do to find out I'm not invited to the wedding! Leaves a funny taste doesn't it

I am in the same boat as you OP.
My friend was one of my best friends up until she got engaged, ever since she hasn't bothered with me. I tend to be the one who makes plans with her for her to fail to turn up or ignore me when I message her an hour or so before to confirm!
I was the one who was there when she needs to get from A to B when she lost her driving license, also was the one who used to take my DD to see her every single week and she came to mine approx 4 times in 2 years (once she had her license back)... I was the one who her fiancé called for an opinion on the engagement ring etc.

I was at one point head bridesmaid, and now I'm not even one... Let alone sure whether I'll get an invite! She's booked the date and church etc and posted it all over Facebook.

you are in every right to be annoyed. But definitely say something because it may help you get to the bottom of things. It could just be a misunderstanding and an issue Coz of numbers or she intentionally forgot you. Better to ask than not at all x

Don't bother making yourself out to be a twat by making a fb status. Just take heart that you have saved a fortune on wedding attire and presents. I think you have had a lucky escape. Who really enjoys other peoples weddings? Ugh!!

Today I received an invitation to my cousins daughters wedding......Am searching for a good excuse not to go. I fucking hate weddings!

Obviously that would hurt. Only read page one, and I can't believe the snide unkind responses you got. You don't sound entitled. It's awful that moment when you realise that your friend doesn't view the friendship in the same way.

If the invitation had been lost then she'd be asked you why you haven't given a reply, surely? Maybe she thinks you don't want to go.

Ah reading people's experiences of being left out just makes me feel so sad. I mentioned earlier that I'd not been asked to be godmother to my brother and sis in law's child. The "new gf" of sis in law's brother was asked. Yes they're still together. Op I do feel bad for you and I hope it's helped in some way that other people have told you their stories. It hurts so badly when you realise you're not as valued as you thought you were. I know the hurt will linger for a while but it will go I promise and you can concentrate on your true friends,

Bless you, I really feel for you! I agree with the comments about wishing them well, though Facebook is a curse. My brother married abroad and was narked I couldn't afford to go. (His 2nd marriage) Then I put a lovely msg on Facebook genuinely wishing them well, as he was also having a big birthday. His ex-wife saw the message and fell out with me. Then like dominoes a whole branch of family and I are now permanently estranged.
So the lesson I have learnt is: say something short like "congratulations have a great day, will be thinking of you!"
then realise, that not all people are like us and try to shrug things off more. (Easier said than done I grant you!!)
Big hugs, you sound like a lovely lady/friend - her loss!!!

Send her a lovely big congratulations on your wedding card wishing her all the best for her future. Then forget about the selfish bitch.

you are completely right about being upset. I personally hate this "I hope you have a great day" and then move on. It's totally double faced and coward. I would rather delete her from my Facebook without wishing her a "lovely party", "I hope you enjoy your big day" or anything like that. Be genuine to your feelings 😘

Weddings stir up so many emotions and can be so political but ultimately they are a numbers game and if she is having a smaller wedding that you did then that could be the reason for you not being invited. Whatever her reason, I'm sure it's not because she thinks badly of you so making any kind of comment or dig on Facebook is the last thing you should be doing. The only purpose it will serve is to put a big wedge between yours and hers friendship and if you are genuinely upset about it then the only way you should tackle this is face to face or on the phone and not over social media, you could lose your friendship over it. If I'm honest I don't think you should tackle it at all. You must know how stressful it is to plan a wedding and that you can't invite everyone, she may have agonised over whether to invite you or not and the last thing she needs is a guilt trip. I know it can hurt if you feel a sense of rejection but I think making this into something bigger than it is will only make you feel worse. Give it a few weeks and this wedding will be old news. Unfollow her if it will upset you to see photos and you can always follow her again when the dust settles and there is something new to talk about.

There's only downside for you if you post on FB - especially if it's a snide comment.
Obviously the way you and her regard your relationship is different. So what, we're not on the school playground any more - no need for tantrums. Move on.

Have to admit I would be a bit upset too... who wouldn't? But stay clear of comments on FB.
Just send her / drop off congratulations card saying wished you could have been there.

Nice to see the usual trolling on mumsnet of the faceless with nothing but venom to spew out. What vile individuals 😷

I feel your pain, the best thing is to offer congratulations and move on to be honest. Your so called friend is obviously totally heartless.

Me and my dd was uninvited to my niece's wedding by her mum and my brother. Didn't matter i had been in her life since she was a baby (she's 27!), that was in Jan, wedding was in August. She has pretty much avoided me and not even told me why I wasn't invited. The whole family has just ignored me! Funnily enough when I saw the wedding pictures on FB I felt pretty indifferent, certainly helped that I flew to New York for work on the day of the wedding!

I'd text her and say please can I come? If she doesn't answer or says no.... Delete her from your address book and expunge her from your mind x

Are you absolutely 100% sure you are not invited as her responses are a bit ambiguous

Sweet mother of God

Another here with a similar tale. Friend from uni, she was bridesmaid at my wedding, I did a reading at her first wedding and am godmother to her daughter. Live close by but not seen so much of her in recent years - kids, work, life.... Had been starting to feel a little resentful tbh as I always at least make the effort to send birthday cards, gifts for her kids etc and realised I haven't had a birthday card or anything for my DDs for the last couple of years - closest has been a message around Christmas saying she must drop gifts round - never got them though I left something round for her and her kids (she was out). Any attempt to meet up always instigated by me, and always hard to arrange so I'd kind of given up.

She doesn't use FB much herself but I was a little hurt to see pics via another FB friend's feed from what was clearly a hen weekend a few months back. So clearly she'd got engaged, not news I'd heard myself. But decided it probably wasn't my thing anyway - expensive with flights and hotel etc and not the sort of activities I'd enjoy. Fair enough.

Then a few weeks back, again via someone else's FB feed, pics of the wedding. About 3 miles away, looked like a sizeable venue, we could easy at very least have made it for evening drinks. But no invite. I also felt I didn't really even have the option of sending a card/gift - as far as she's concerned, I don't even know they were getting married never mind had the wedding! I guess around the time of the pics would have been the opportunity to say something though - not in a passive aggressive way, but just to send a card - definitely would be weird to send something now. And it now feels awkward even to text and say shall we meet up...

I feel for you OP. I had a similar situation - one of my best friends from Uni didn't invite me to her wedding. She was my bridesmaid at my wedding so I was quite upset. In the end I gathered she probably had her own difficulties and we were probably just better off not being friends any more. I did send her a brief message saying, I saw you got married recently and congratulations. She didn't respond.
It's still upsetting when I see her pops up in our mutual FB friend feed but I feel less so with time passed. I guess at the end of the day we'll have to accept that friendships have to be mutual and they don't always last a last time. Makes me treasure more the friendships I still have.

Why are people saying be nice? Darling she's not worth a card from poundland. She's not worth the time you would spend writing out a Facebook message. And she definitely not worth any of your headspace.

Although personally I would ignore the whole wedding thing, be nice and normal the next time she gets in touch, make an arrangement that requires as much effort and expenditure that you can squeeze out of her, preferably on a Saturday night, and then stand her up. And switch your phone off.

Winchester - I like your style !

OP - not read your updates but the gist seems like you are best to cut and disengage - onwards and upwards - hurtful though