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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My grandson in danger of exclusion for biting

191 replies

Angiemm2016 · 26/09/2016 22:57

My grandson is in danger of being excluded for biting other children. His mum is a single parent who works hard to support him and is doing her very best to be a good mum. Although my son and she are no longer together, he does his best to support her and they are good friends - it was a teenage relationship and he is still in uni and she is now in another relationship. We have our grandson every weekend and he is a lovely boy and well behaved - although prone to the odd tantrum. The head has told her that he'd rather lose one child (our gs) than risk losing four pupil premiums which I feel is a very unhelpful thing to say - shouldn't he be seeking the help of other agencies and supporting our gs rather than threatening to expel? Any advice would be great as we're all worried sick - thanks

OP posts:

Karoleann · 27/09/2016 13:24

DS had a little boy in his reception class who was also a biter. The little boy in reception was eventually diagnosed with ODD and had a full-time TA assigned to him. TBH is mother was not great, she was a single parent and responded to the guilt of having split up with his father and having to work full time by not providing boundaries. ODD is not helped by ineffective parenting.

You can suggest that your daughter goes on a parenting course. They can be really useful and suggest strategies to prevent poor behaviours. One of the young mums at the nursery I used to run transformed her daughters behaviour after attending some. We could refer direct in our area, it may be that the school can refer.

It may just be that your grandson is overtired, especially if he's having to go to breakfast club/after-school club. Could you suggest that you maybe pick him up earlier a couple of days a week, maybe your daughter could take some parental leave and he could just go part-time until he settles.

It may just be that he finds the playground too overstimulating.....especially if the biting wasn't an issue at nursery.

Good luck, I hope he settles down soon.

HeCantBeSerious · 27/09/2016 13:25

Pupil premium is paid regardless of the blanket free meals, and they'd be entitled to other help too, so the FSM status is still relevant.

AllwaysChangingLanes · 27/09/2016 13:26

Op have they tried chew/biting toys? Cheap disability aids website have a big selection that can often be bought cheaper on ebay/amazon. Just as another option if it's possible sen related. Your son & dil need to be working with the school on this issue though, & ask to see the senCo.

MatildaTheCat · 27/09/2016 13:27

I had a biter albeit at a younger age and it's a miserable and isolating experience. I've no doubt the OP and the child's parents have tried to work out why he's biting and stop it, hence the OP.

I found it was a response to any kind of frustration and entirely unpremeditated. So lots and lots of role play might help a 4 year old. Most certainly ask the school to offer support and work together.

As a possible intervention have you considered trying Chewelry as an attempt to divert the need to bite away from classmates?

Is this behaviour really new or has he never been in group settings before? It seems quite old to develop biting but that's just a thought.

On the positive side, my young biter grew out of it, is highly sociable and well liked and has no special needs at all. He was a nightmare toddler though.

MatildaTheCat · 27/09/2016 13:28

6 pages of comments and we've cross posted re biting toys.

Beeziekn33ze · 27/09/2016 13:29

At 4 there should be enough adult supervision to keep an eye on a child likely to hurt others. Is it happening at play times or in the classroom? At play times he could be put with the teacher on duty for a week, with a supervisor at dinner times. If it's in class a TA could watch for situations where he's getting emotional developing.
Is your grandson able to talk about what he does, who he bites and why he feels like doing it? Is he mature enough to see that biting will make children not want to play with him or get him having to stay with a supervising adult. Hope he settles and makes friends soon.Head sounds awful to say that to DiL, I'm guessing it's a fairly large primary school. His priorities are cash and sending problem children away for somone else to cope with!Can DiL talk to the teacher who has overall responsibility for the infant department?
Hope this can be properly dealt with soon. He's not feral but immature, angry and unhappy most likely. I'm wondering whether he has a fairly inexperienced reception teacher who has not come across physical aggression like this before. Sympathy for DiL and also for the bitten children and their parents. It won't do a four year old any good to arrive at another school halfway through the term with a reputation for hurting other children.

AllwaysChangingLanes · 27/09/2016 13:32

Matilda I was just about to add that role play helped with my biter. We used ideas from the book playful parenting very successfully with biting. Unfortunately it hasn't much helped with her screaming.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/09/2016 13:37

What exclude him, and pass the issue to someone else tp deal with and do the hard work. The school need to have a meeting with your dil, SENCO, teacher to discuss reasons and stratergies. Mabey work is too hard, or he is finding reception difficult, he is only little and in other countries they don't start until much later. They need to be seen to have explored every avenue before excluding him, and to even do a managed move mabey to a PRU or duel access with a PRU if it is not working. I am shocked at some of the comments, he is still a very young boy, you just do not write off a child like that, and what school are doing are disgusting. They don't sound like they are working with the parents to help the boy which is what they should be doing.

IceIceIce · 27/09/2016 14:39

Sorry but I think the head isnt being totally unreasonable. Your son or the child's mother needs to be working with the school. Perhaps one of them could come in and supervise until the habit is broken. When I was in secondary we had our parents dragged in to supervise us if we couldn't behave.

honkinghaddock · 27/09/2016 15:20

Working with the school doesn't include coming into school to supervise.

DixieNormas · 27/09/2016 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMargie · 27/09/2016 18:00

I may not have the facts right but it seems his DM has a new man in her life, does the new man have a son? Not sure about that but DGS will be getting less attention from his DM. His DF is out of the picture now at uni (or is he skyping every day??)
He is attending reception every day (exhausting if this is new for him) and off to DGPs all and every weekend. Quite a lot for small boy. Does he understand who the new people in his life Are and where his DF has gone?

CodyKing · 27/09/2016 18:40

Maybe the head is saying it to grab the DIL attention rather than brush it under the carpet?

May DIL is thinking its not very important and kids will be kids?

Twogoats · 27/09/2016 18:54

Bite the headmaster? That'll teach him!

Bitlost · 27/09/2016 20:57

What's your son doing about it? He and his ex must have a strong word with your GS, agree on a course of action for when he bites (and stick to it), meet with the head and teacher to see how the school can help (and push for promises to be fulfilled when things will invariably fall behind) and take him to the GP. It's not just the school's problem. The solution starts at home with both parents presenting a united front even if they're Jo longer together. Sorry but I get the feeling your son has checked out...

BishopBrennansArse · 27/09/2016 21:24

Whilst it's not just the school's problem they are largely responsible for management whilst he's in school.

Parental support and back up are very important of course but the parents aren't actually there when it's happening which makes direct prevention impossible...

DixieNormas · 27/09/2016 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vikkijayne2507 · 27/09/2016 23:10

Do NOT bite a child, it's abuse from adult to child no two ways about it. ( former child protection social worker). I agree with others have gs checked by dr/ peads

Itsallgoodimtold · 27/09/2016 23:30

Sorry not read full thread, if someone has already said it I support asking the school to monitor him for triggers that occur before the bites. If they haven't done so already, they need to start recording what happened before each incident. It is not reasonable for them to say they don't know each time. I don't think they would have grounds for exclusion without this evidence (tho they may try it on). Is he biting others when not at school? If so, log triggers yourself and number if occasions, see GP. If not, school are failing him and this is a safeguarding issue. Good luck x

petitpois55 · 28/09/2016 09:33

Oh right O Dixie Whatever you say. still think Feral is a good description to describe the behaviour of a child who has bitten other children 10 times in a few weeks.
Actually another poster used feral before me. I just thought it was very apt.
I feel sorry for the parents of thehildren who have been bitten. They must feel helpless!

SoupDragon · 28/09/2016 09:36

I feel sorry for the parents of thehildren who have been bitten. They must feel helpless!

As, I imagine, do the parents of this boy whose behaviour has changed significantly in the new environment.

petitpois55 · 28/09/2016 09:46

Eh i don't think the OP has even been back a lot has she?certainly haven't seen anywhere where she mentions apologising to the other parents.
I would be mortified!
Childminders wouldn't continue to mind children like this who bite. They would lose all their other mindees i would imagine.
Schools have a duty to the other children. I'm with the HT.

BishopBrennansArse · 28/09/2016 10:16

Still being disablism, petit?

honkinghaddock · 28/09/2016 10:24

Petit - my son bit persistently at that age. He is not feral. He bit because he couldn't communicate and because he was overwhelmed. He bit because of his disability. You could have had a similar child but luckily you didn't.

petitpois55 · 28/09/2016 10:25

WTAF Disabilism In what universe have i been disabilist. Jesus wept!1
You have someone with a different opinion, (not just me by the way) and you shout disabilism..
How dare you. You do genuine disabled children no favours at all

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