My grandson in danger of exclusion for biting

[Angiemm2016]

My grandson is in danger of being excluded for biting other children. His mum is a single parent who works hard to support him and is doing her very best to be a good mum. Although my son and she are no longer together, he does his best to support her and they are good friends - it was a teenage relationship and he is still in uni and she is now in another relationship. We have our grandson every weekend and he is a lovely boy and well behaved - although prone to the odd tantrum. The head has told her that he'd rather lose one child (our gs) than risk losing four pupil premiums which I feel is a very unhelpful thing to say - shouldn't he be seeking the help of other agencies and supporting our gs rather than threatening to expel? Any advice would be great as we're all worried sick - thanks

I maybe wrong, but I read somewhere that biting in NT children is often the sign of lack of(or child feels lack of) affection from parents, especially from mum. Young mum working hard, new boy friend, going back and forth from one parent to another.....maybe it's too much for 4 year old to handle?
He definitely needs help, not exclusion.

How is your grandson's communication? In many of the kids I've known to bite (one being DS 1 pre diagnosis and pre speech) it's a lack of being able to communicate that they need space and are struggling to cope. I know I tried pretty much everything, except biting back, but it was when speech therapy and pre 5 learning support got involved and his communication improved that it stopped. 7 years on and he's never bitten again.
Flip side being, DD and DS 2 go to nursery with a biter and it's heartbreaking when they come home with great big welts or in one awful case, actually broken skin which required treatment at the hospital. I can understand that the other parents are freaking out, but have the nursery come up with strategies/support for your grandson? Possibly temporary exclusion until these can be put in place is reasonable, permanent exclusion isn't until they've explored every avenue of options.

How old is he?

Is there a pattern to when he bites? Would offering for him to go part time help? Could you collect him before morning break initially and then slowly build up while at the same time pushing for SENCO, CAMHS, play therapy etc to try to work out why he does it. For the school the inclination is to call time as it is easier and if it is a popular school (I'm guessing here as only 10% on pupil premium)

For the school they can probably fill the space easily. Another option is to look for maybe a less popular school which may have more experience with challenging behaviour and will be able to support your gs more.

10 bites since starting Reception is a lot. I would expect most children to have grown out of biting by that age.

Have the school met with your GS's mum to try and work out a plan and strategies to help his behaviour together? Do they know what's triggering it? I agree that a proactive approach from the parents, as suggested by bumsex, sounds best.

From the other side - DS1 started Reception this term. He's been bitten by another child, hard enough to draw blood, so trip to the GP during school hours and precautionary antibiotics required. DS1 found this very upsetting, and is still talking about it on the way to school more than a week later ("will X bite me again today?", "I'm going to tell X never to bite me again", long descriptions of what led up to the bite, etc, etc).
I haven't complained to the school - I'm aware of some possibly relevant background issues X has, plus school are clearly aware and have spoken to X's parents about it - but I'm not happy about the whole thing, and I can understand why other parents would complain, especially if their child has been bitten more than once.

Is the biting a new thing?

Did he do it at nursery?
How did they deal with it?

Have you done all the obvious like a hearing test and an eye test?
How is his speech? Would he benefit from a referral to the speech therapist? Extreme violence in young children is often a form of communication as they haven't the skills or the maturity to be balise, let alone understand their thoughts and feelings

I don't blame the head, they will have had to tell parents ten times their child has been bitten. Maybe the threat of exclusion is needed to ensure the situation is taken seriously.
It really can't continue

At four he should know better and really he needs someone to yell at him and scare him from ever doing it again. Why should other children have to get bitten on the face because of his parents refusal to parent? I would be so livid if any brat did that to mine. There's no excuse.

There can be reasons. Finding out those reasons and having strategies that lead to the child not doing it will work better than yelling at someone and hoping scaring will work.

Ok, so he gets upset and bites when his friend plays with someone else.

I would try and get advice on how to deal with this specifically , and also about why he feels like this .

I think many of the concepts we try and encourage our kids in are quite vague, 'share', 'be kind' , and sometimes specific instructions help . Maybe show him with toy animals : if a friend plays with someone else, you can do x with y. Explain that in school people play with lots of friends, and then they come back. Look up social stories.

I don't think this can be solved in one easy story time, but he is having problems with socialisation , either because of his insecurity (can't cope when friend plays elsewhere ) or some other reason .

The Head should not have made the PP comment , obviously .

If yiur Gs is hitting to that extent he does have some Sen. It's behavioural, social and emotional. Whether it's because he has a diagnosable SN or whether it's because he's struggling with settling is questionable.

But the school have a duty to support him alongside a duty of care to other pupils.
It's very difficult and expensive for schools to exclude nowadays so I expect this is just a viewed threat right now as an attempt (and hope) your DIL and DS will read him the riot act and it will stop.
Get yiur DIL to email head and clarify the conversation.

"Dear HT

Further to our conversation on X date at y time with regards DS and his behaviour - mostly biting - I'd like to clarify a few points.

Can you clarify your stance that If DS continues to bite you will exclude him as you'd rather lose 1 pupil than another 4 that come with pupil premium?

You didn't inform me what strategies you are putting in place to support DS so could you clarify these so I can work with you to support DS.

Many thanks"

I'm not in anyway suggesting it's ok your GS bit someone on the face. But I assuming he didn't just calmly walk up and take a chunk out of the blue but that a situation was occurring where he got overwhelmed and this was the result?

I am genuinely shocked that people are suggesting BITING A CHILD in order to teach them that biting is wrong. That is completely messed up! They either learn that biting is ok because adults do it too, or that big people are "allowed" to hurt little people. Or just that they must be a horrible person because someone deliberately hurt them - and breaking a child's self esteem is a sure fire way to make them behave worse!!

Please no one ever "bite a child back" as a strategy to stop biting :(

OP this must be really difficult for everyone - but there needs to be a plan before exclusion - exclusion really should be the last resort. There are so many factors at play here - why is he biting, what is triggering it, does he know he is doing it (is it an aggressive reaction, is it impulsive, is it habit, frustration) - and his development in other areas should be considered.

The school should not be able to exclude a 4 year old after four weeks at school.

Have you met with the inclusion team?

What diagnosis do you think you are going to get on the basis of a 4 year old biting 10 times in a new and unfamiliar setting and nothing else? If the school think there are SEN involved they can refer to the Ed Psych because there's no way a GP is going to do much.

Does he ever bite outside of school? Was this an issue at nursery?

Go for two pronged approach. Go to school today, insist on a meeting with senco and teacher. Take note pad and write down questions you want to ask and so you can take notes. If he went to nursery/preschool, I would also have a chat with the them to see if this is new behaviour or something carrying on.

Today I'd also make an appointment with gp and push for a referral on NHS side - apart from school - do not tell the school you are doing this at the moment. Also speak to HV as they might have more of a clue.

You need to be proactive and get to the bottom of this, You need him seen by the right people to see if there's underlying issues.

At this stage your not looking for a diagnosis. Your looking to rule out any sen. He may need some anger therapy ect. No shame in that. Iv one ADHD boy and poss another and they have both benefitted from counselling to help manage and deal with their emotions. You gs might benefit from something like this even if he has no Sen envolvment.

There's some great kids books about coping with anger, set in really simple storylines.

When I mean you and mean you and his mum or you and her mum. It always help to have two when dealing with issues like this in school - support and second pair of ears

Although what your GS is doing is obviously wrong, I can't believe that the school are thinking of exclusion.

The tales I have read on here about bullying/threats/violence in 2ndry where kids should have much more self control & are given detention, if that!

Please people, read the thread properly.

OP isn't the DC's mother, so some of this advice is no use to her. It's the DC's parents who will have to go to the school.

Biting back only works if you do it right away

What's the right way to bite a four year old?

No but she can go with her son

The tales I have read on here about bullying/threats/violence in 2ndry where kids should have much more self control & are given detention, if that!

Maybe this school takes the zero tolerance policy seriously?

Maybe this school wishes to safeguard all the children

Maybe the biting is the only thing been mentioned - there maybe other issues

My son was a biter.

We dealt with it by apologising profusely to child & parents and removing him from the situation every time it happened.

So, one time he bit a random kid in the park. We left and went straight home. He bit a child at our house & was sent straight to his room. etc.

It sorted out the problem, however he was a bit younger than your DGS. He is now a charming 14 year old, channels any latent aggression into the rugby pitch.

Is there a consistent message across all the houses he lives in?

dS1 bit another child on his first day of Nursery class ( aged 4). The very experienced nursery teacher called me in to take him home straight away and gave him a non-shouty but very firm talk about it in front of me ( Which made me cry too!). He never did it again. dS1 had mild social and communication delays and occasionally bit when upset about sharing, turn taking etc.. I personally think he should have been removed from the class as soon as he bit and made to sit out but I presume supervision would be an issue. He needs a simple way of communicating his upset quickly and or releasing his tension, there are lots of accepted ways of doing this which the teachers should,know about, what have they tried?

We have our grandson every weekend and he is a lovely boy

That is irrelevant here. He has bitten 10 times - presumably at least 4 children have been bitten multiple times and at least one on the face. Out yourself in the shoes of those parents and think what you would feel.

Of course they need to sort out why your DGS is doing this and work out how to support him but they also have a duty to protect every other child in the class from your DGS.

His mother needs to go in for an honest talk with the head and any other relevant person.